Thursday, June 17, 2010

Back to work

Maternity leave ended on Monday, so unfortunately it was back to work on Tuesday. It was a little surreal being back. My coworkers were very sweet and got me a box of my favorite cookies. Not good for the pudge but oh well. I managed however, to save the tears until I got home.

Wednesday was a lot tougher. I cried here at work. Reality is sinking in and it sucks. The nanny sent me a picture and Savannah looked grumpy. :-(. She didn't nap well Tuesday, but she slept well that night despite being cranky. I took her sleep positioner, the "Snuggle Nest" over to see if that helped on Wednesday and seems like it did. I thought maybe it would help her feel more at home. I also instucted the nanny to swaddle her. She didn't try that Tuesday, even though last week I mentioned to her that Savannah likes to be swaddled for sleeping.

It slightly bugged me that she didn't call or text to ask if there was anything that would help Savannah sleep. I don't want to come across as a controlling parent, but she's my baby. Plus, I know what she likes and doesn't like.

Wednesday night led to a lot of tears. All I wanted to do was snuggle her and kiss her and smell her. All Savannah wanted to was nurse all evening off and on, like she missed it. I was flattered of course, after all our struggling early on, now she seems to enjoy it. I just felt guilty. I waited for Savannah for almost three years and to just go place her with someone feels wrong.

I wish I would have known I'd feel this way. I thought I'd want to be a working mom with all my drive and determination. I thought I'd miss adult interaction. I didn't! I wish we'd made plans years ago. Actually though with the recession, even the best laid plans probably wouldn't have worked out.

I just hope this gets easier. Everyone says it will and I hope they aren't just saying that. I feel like I have the "baby blues" all over again.

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