I had a major "Category 5" breakdown the other night. It was one of those long overdue breakdowns....where you just can't hold it in anymore.
I was trying to get what I could (if you know what I mean) since DH was going out of town on his boys trip over the weekend. I couldn't get in the mood, I was ridiculously on edge and already about to crack from the pressure. Midway through, I lost it. I just started bawling--ugly, ugly, ugly tears. I'm so frustrated with forcing sex, with not enjoying it because we've had it for five straight days and I'm tired. For 16 cycles, I feel like we've been trying so hard and in vain. I'm exhausted because I feel like every month is a failure.
I feel like such a putz, I shouldn't complain about having sex with my husband--whom I love and adore. And I'm fine other times of the month! It's just around ovulation time that I just can't let myself enjoy it. I think that my brain has made this awful correlation between sex and disappointment. DH was so good about it. He usually just gets very uncomfortable when I have a ridiculously random outburst, but he put his arms around me and just listened.
As I talked through everything that was wrong, I realized that I just need to let go. I'm putting so much pressure on me and on us. I was angry because there is no way that we can afford to take the next recommended step -- surgery and then maybe --IVF. All our money is tied up in investments that we can't cash out of. I was angry because our insurance won't cover it for us. I'm angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm angry because I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I was angry because its not fair. I was angry because I wouldn't have gotten a new tattoo had I been knocked up right now! (I'll get to that later) I need to let go. I need to trust that this will all work out the way it should.
If you stalk my shitty chart, I regret to inform you that I am putting the thermometer away. I want to put the CBEFM away, but you may need to pry that little gizmo out of my cold dead hands. Since I ovulate all over the place, my LP has been pretty consistent since the surgery so it would be nice to have a general idea of when my period will arrive. The CBEFM only gets used for at most 10 days out of the month. However, it probably will not be used to time sex. Timing isn't the problem...I am convinced now after 6 months of the most perfect timing ever. We're just going to go with the flow. If we want to, we will, if we don't, no pressure. I need a break to save my sanity.
So there you go....until further notice, we are on a TTC break. I need to breathe. Of course we're going to continue to "try", just not so hard. We're going to Vegas to see some family at the end of the month and then we're going to Mexico for our anniversary. I'm very excited for both those trips, I know they will be good for me. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging. ::wink::
"When we come to the edge of all that we know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure: either God will provide something to stand on or we will be taught how to fly."