I was raised Catholic, I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until my junior year of college, when i transferred from a private Catholic university to a public university in my home state. That's about 15 years of Catholic School!! I've been bombarded and inundated with their belief system and you can imagine that cramming that down one's throat can cause a lot of internal conflict some of the time.
Anyway, today we went to mass as usual and were ecstatic to see that our favorite priest of the time being was going to performing mass. He's definitely younger, and you can tell in his messages. He says a lot of things that the "traditional" Catholic Church probably wouldn't love. His homily had three wonderful messages that I just needed to hear today. I think that someone was trying to tell me something, and I think I heard loud and clear.
Today's topic was about the Kingdom of Heaven and how you need to open your heart and your mind to see it all around you. I won't bore you with all the details, but here are the three things that stood out to me:
1) You could go to church every day and just "go through the motions" but its not going to put you any further ahead. You have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to open your heart. (I've believed this for YEARS, but no one has ever confirmed my thoughts.) He said, sure, going through the rituals is a nice start to open your relationship with God, but it shouldn't be all there is to it.
2) God is not a vending machine. God isn't going to up and give you what you want, just because you ask for it. He doesn't give you things. He's not going to give you the car you want, your dream job, he's not going to magically drop a husband/wife into your lap, nor a child. (This confirmed my inkling that God doesn't care what happens in specific uteri.)
3) God wants us to be happy. (You don't know how comforting that was to me.)
I trust with all my heart that God does want me to be happy.
I know that most people who haven't been through IF don't understand how much some little offhand comments about receiving a "gift" from God or being "blessed" can sting. Is God looking down at our houses saying "Sorry, ask again later." like Magic 8 Ball? I believe that God doesn't get involved in deciding who gets pregnant and who doesn't. No one is more blessed or deserves it more than the next person in God's eyes. It's all relative.
"I asked for strength...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom...and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity...and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage...and God gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for patience...and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love...and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors...and God gave me opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, he gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. My prayer has been answered."