"Survivor's Guilt"

I have it.

I feel like I shouldn't ever complain about being pregnant. I am very sorry that I do. I waited 29 months to see those two pink lines and all the while, hated everyone who had gotten what I wanted and complained about it the whole time. I feel like a hypocrite when I complain and as we near the end, I do it a lot.

Before I got pregnant, it felt like a punch in the gut when someone would complain about being pregnant. I hated those who seemed to take this for granted, especially those who got pregnant way too easily.

I'm still bitter--its hard to get rid of or let go of. I used to have panic attacks just thinking about going into Babies R Us that I started having to order things online for people's showers as I drank a glass of wine and cried. There's still a breath I have to take before stepping into BRU. I almost forget for a second that there's a good reason I am going inside, that its for my baby, not someone else's for a change.

I wish I could make it happen for everyone still waiting and hoping. I really wish we could all go through this together. I wish we could all commiserate together about our aches and pains and weird stuff going on with our bodies. I wish infertility wasn't so unfair.

I try to be sensitive because I have been there. I know what its like, I know the frustrations and the tears, I know the feelings of hopelessness and anger. But I also slip up. Pregnancy isn't easy for me and I really hate that I don't just "enjoy" this more and want to be pregnant forever. I wanted this. I wanted this desperately. I didn't know it would be so hard, so uncomfortable. I'm not meant to be a breeder unfortunately.

I just want to apologize to all those out there who might read my blog from time to time and hate me for complaining.

Here's a more positive spin on my experience and things I love about being pregnant.

I love what its done to my hair and nails. They have never looked so fabulous. My hair has body it has never had before and my nails grow like crazy.

For some reason, I don't have to shave my legs as often. That has been nice!

I love watching my belly jiggle which it does more and more lately. It cracks me up every single time she rolls around and wiggles in there. I feel like Santa.

I love thinking about our outside baby, what she'll be like, what she'll look like, and how much we're going to love her, as well as how much we already do.


To those of you still in IF hell, I wish you nothing but good luck and I send big hugs from my side.