Worst Blogger Ever!

That's me!

I haven't been blogging, even though I really need to. I've been dealing with lots of things in my head, when I really should be writing about them to get them OUT of my head.

The husband and I have been having a really rough time lately and it has been mostly my fault. I feel awful about it. I 'm in this miserable depressed funk inside and outside I can fake it for only so long before the facade crumbles. I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that we might not have children for awhile...regardless of whether we choose to move forward with treatments or choose to go the adoption route.

I don't think that people understand how this makes a person feel. Scratch that, I KNOW that people don't understand. It sure looks simple from the outside, but now in the throes of IF, I realize that it's not black and white anymore.

I don't wish infertility on anyone, I would never want someone to go through wanting something so badly and not being physically able for it to happen. What I wish for is a little more understanding, rather than implying that we who suffer from IF are raging lunatics. (I'll admit, I have my moments!) Other than a long line of expletives I could choose to shout, I don't think those people will ever see my side. In fact, I hope you don't ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I think we feel bad enough as it is that we can't help but feel a little less than 100% overjoyed when someone else announces that they are pregnant. I would give anything to change that! You know what sister, it doesn't happen overnight. Why can't I have the right to feel a twinge of jealousy? Why can't I have the right to wonder "When's it my turn?"? Why can't I have the right to wonder why x, y, and/or z hasn't worked for me? None of those take away in my mind from the joy I do truly feel about some one's announcement--I'm glad that they get what they wanted. If the roles were reversed, I would EXPECT them to feel the same pangs and twinges and have those same thoughts. What most people won't understand is that you aren't necessarily grieving for what you don't have....you're sad about what may never be.

The dichotomy of these feelings are confusing - the fact that you can be happy for someone yet sad for yourself at the same time. It's possible and I know that it's not something that qualifies me for a "crazy" label. I have a laundry list of other issues that just may certainly make me a contender, but not this.

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
- Voltaire

I've been tagged!

PMarie tagged me. Shame on you. ;-) You'll now be spanked. And you'll have to like it.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:
1. I hate bananas.
2. I love chocolate chip cookies.
3. I'm somewhat terrified of flying.
4. I sleep with pit bulls and I like it. (Don't think anything dirty...that's gross!)
5. I love the Twilight series and feel like the biggest dork.
6. I'm not listening to the conference call I should be listening to right now.

Tagging:
Joyco
TXAggieBride06
LeahB
Chrys
Adkins
MrsMayT

Breakdown

I had a major "Category 5" breakdown the other night. It was one of those long overdue breakdowns....where you just can't hold it in anymore.

I was trying to get what I could (if you know what I mean) since DH was going out of town on his boys trip over the weekend. I couldn't get in the mood, I was ridiculously on edge and already about to crack from the pressure. Midway through, I lost it. I just started bawling--ugly, ugly, ugly tears. I'm so frustrated with forcing sex, with not enjoying it because we've had it for five straight days and I'm tired. For 16 cycles, I feel like we've been trying so hard and in vain. I'm exhausted because I feel like every month is a failure.

I feel like such a putz, I shouldn't complain about having sex with my husband--whom I love and adore. And I'm fine other times of the month! It's just around ovulation time that I just can't let myself enjoy it. I think that my brain has made this awful correlation between sex and disappointment. DH was so good about it. He usually just gets very uncomfortable when I have a ridiculously random outburst, but he put his arms around me and just listened.

As I talked through everything that was wrong, I realized that I just need to let go. I'm putting so much pressure on me and on us. I was angry because there is no way that we can afford to take the next recommended step -- surgery and then maybe --IVF. All our money is tied up in investments that we can't cash out of. I was angry because our insurance won't cover it for us. I'm angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm angry because I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I was angry because its not fair. I was angry because I wouldn't have gotten a new tattoo had I been knocked up right now! (I'll get to that later) I need to let go. I need to trust that this will all work out the way it should.

If you stalk my shitty chart, I regret to inform you that I am putting the thermometer away. I want to put the CBEFM away, but you may need to pry that little gizmo out of my cold dead hands. Since I ovulate all over the place, my LP has been pretty consistent since the surgery so it would be nice to have a general idea of when my period will arrive. The CBEFM only gets used for at most 10 days out of the month. However, it probably will not be used to time sex. Timing isn't the problem...I am convinced now after 6 months of the most perfect timing ever. We're just going to go with the flow. If we want to, we will, if we don't, no pressure. I need a break to save my sanity.

So there you go....until further notice, we are on a TTC break. I need to breathe. Of course we're going to continue to "try", just not so hard. We're going to Vegas to see some family at the end of the month and then we're going to Mexico for our anniversary. I'm very excited for both those trips, I know they will be good for me. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging. ::wink::

"When we come to the edge of all that we know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure: either God will provide something to stand on or we will be taught how to fly."

Sunday Service

I was raised Catholic, I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until my junior year of college, when i transferred from a private Catholic university to a public university in my home state. That's about 15 years of Catholic School!! I've been bombarded and inundated with their belief system and you can imagine that cramming that down one's throat can cause a lot of internal conflict some of the time.

Anyway, today we went to mass as usual and were ecstatic to see that our favorite priest of the time being was going to performing mass. He's definitely younger, and you can tell in his messages. He says a lot of things that the "traditional" Catholic Church probably wouldn't love. His homily had three wonderful messages that I just needed to hear today. I think that someone was trying to tell me something, and I think I heard loud and clear.

Today's topic was about the Kingdom of Heaven and how you need to open your heart and your mind to see it all around you. I won't bore you with all the details, but here are the three things that stood out to me:

1) You could go to church every day and just "go through the motions" but its not going to put you any further ahead. You have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to open your heart. (I've believed this for YEARS, but no one has ever confirmed my thoughts.) He said, sure, going through the rituals is a nice start to open your relationship with God, but it shouldn't be all there is to it.

2) God is not a vending machine. God isn't going to up and give you what you want, just because you ask for it. He doesn't give you things. He's not going to give you the car you want, your dream job, he's not going to magically drop a husband/wife into your lap, nor a child. (This confirmed my inkling that God doesn't care what happens in specific uteri.)

3) God wants us to be happy. (You don't know how comforting that was to me.)

I trust with all my heart that God does want me to be happy.

I know that most people who haven't been through IF don't understand how much some little offhand comments about receiving a "gift" from God or being "blessed" can sting. Is God looking down at our houses saying "Sorry, ask again later." like Magic 8 Ball? I believe that God doesn't get involved in deciding who gets pregnant and who doesn't. No one is more blessed or deserves it more than the next person in God's eyes. It's all relative.

"I asked for strength...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom...and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity...and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage...and God gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for patience...and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love...and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors...and God gave me opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, he gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. My prayer has been answered."

Disclaimer

If you're reading this....it's *probably* not you who I'm venting about below. Just to avoid any paranoia, I thought I'd better say that.

I hate things such as....

1) Being an attention whore and forcing everyone to wonder when you're going to pee on something aka (POAS Watch). Seriously. We don't need the drama leading up to your positive or negative pregnancy test. Pee on something. THEN tell us what the result is. 9 times out of 10, if you're asking IF you should test, you're probably itching to test anyway, regardless of any input. Ooohh or baiting with a symptom, such as being tired, peeing a lot, being nauseous (hey welcome to my world). So just test. Get it over with. THEN tell people. I'll admit, when people ask, I sometimes have encouraged them to test--after glancing at their charts and comparing them to previous cycles. But sometimes I've also suggested that they should wait. What's funny is people get very irritated when you try to talk some sense into them! I don't mind BFP announcements, when I see one from someone I "know", I'll be happy to offer congratulations. I'm very happy for them. POAS Watches to me are equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. And please please please don't post pictures of your pee stick. Yuck.

2) I hate that AF symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are *so* similar. I wish there was some magic light outside your uterus that would go off the moment of implantation that would just definitively tell you--without having to think about it....without having to go days more of wondering.

3) I hate that there is such a thing as infertility. I hate that TTC can't be a level playing field. I hate that having no trouble getting pregnant once doesn't mean that it can be so easy again. I am fine with having a range, saying everyone should conceive in 1-12 months. That would be fine. Understandably, some people would get knocked up right off the bat and that it would take others some time....I'd be thrilled with that. As long as everyone who wants one would get one (or two!) My heart breaks for those that can't even have one.

4) Pill pushing doctors. Hopefully this is self explanatory.

5) People that don't understand how their own body works. Or...those that don't need to.

6) Blocked tubes.

7) Crappy infertility insurance coverage. Boo hiss!

I love things such as.....

1) Having one of the world's most supportive husbands. I don't need to elaborate, I can't convey it in words.

2) Having two of the world's most supportive families, including extended families.

3) Getting crosshairs in Fertility Friend. For some reason, it brings so much gosh darn satisfaction!

4) Those who appreciate how lucky they are and how good they have it.

That's about all I can think of, and isn't that sad?

Anyway, update on me is that I'm 4DPO and my right boob hurts like a mo fo. Don't ask me what's up with that. I think the husband will be out of town this next cycle, so we're praying and hoping for a miracle. They happen to people every day....why can't one happen to me? This one?

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parent to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic...against all experience...like children....we never give up hope." -Grey's Anatomy

Sixteen

My chart taunted me earlier this month. And I should have known better....and I let it get my hopes up. My temps were higher than usual...and then they dipped. Monday, the day that stupid Fertility Friend wanted me to test, my temp spiked again! I totally actually for a few minutes thought, "Holy shit...this could be it!" So I tested and of course, "big fat holy hell no way are you pregnant" is what the test said to me. But then again, I expected it. So I went another 2 days past my usual LP...which is good news I guess, but still....big FAIL for cycle 15.

I started cycle 16 today and am hating being a woman. I felt so nauseous this morning that I called in sick to work. I have never called in sick for "lady troubles" but I couldn't force myself in. Part of it was probably mental and just the frustration of the past week had built up and just crushed me again. I was all ready to go, took the dogs potty, put them upstairs in their crates, and then started sweating like I was about to lose my cookies and started dry heaving. This is pretty miserable. The only thing that makes me feel better (other than crying) is eating...which in the long run...isn't good when you're trying to lose 10 pounds!

Today I'm sad, I'm sad not only for myself but everyone who is subjected to TTC-ing too long. It's not fair. There are some wonderful, wonderful women going through this and I know they will be amazing mothers. Yet there are women, girls sometimes, getting knocked up everyday that aren't ready for this, that won't make half as great mothers as some of these women. You can't help but question why this is. I'm so grateful (pretty sure my husband is too because I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about it all the time) that I've found a great support group from some women on the Nest. They get it. They know the same hurt, the same sadness, the same things I think day in and day out. I hope someday we all end up at the same place because there must be a reason we all are walking down the same road.

Speaking of going places together, we did all end up going to DisneyLand together...at least in spirit...thanks to Chrys! She put this on a shirt and rocked it for a picture there with our favorite Disney character, Ariel.

The only big news I have is that we are going to Mexico for our 2nd Anniversary in September! I'm super excited and its nice to finally have something to look forward too. :-)

I'm really going to try to get better at blogging. Really.

"When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones-- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up. As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don't lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end. Just keep your faith."

Sex and the City = Insensitive! (Spoiler)

Overall, I'd say the movie was GREAT! I'll bar any "big" spoilers for you (no pun intended). I'd give the movie a solid B+. It would have scored an "A" in my book except for a comment/comments Charlotte made. I honestly cannot believe that SOMEONE didn't catch this and maybe change it up a bit or cut it out completely. It seems very insensitive of everyone and anyone involved with the whole production to me.

Anyone who has dealt with IF or any T-TTC would understand. There really must have not been ANYONE who had been through that working on the movie. I hate that it portrayed this urban legend that when you "relax" everything just magically happens. That's bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I relaxed for about six months early on, we weren't even "trying". By that logic, I totally should have been knocked up long ago.

She throws out the relax comment and she says, "My doctor says that she knows a lot of people that his has happened to! After they stop thinking about it and adopt, they get pregnant." Ugh. I can't believe they went there.

Oooohhhh it jaded me for the rest of the movie. I had read about it beforehand though, so I was just waiting for it. And yup, absofuckinglutely pissed me off.

Bottom line, though, don't let it stop you from seeing it if you already hadn't! It was still as funny and as witty as ever.

A happy SATC quote: "We had each other and then we had you, and then we had everything. Love Mommy and Daddy." -From Season 4, Trey's inscription on the Tiffany silver rattle he ordered for Charlotte/their prospective baby

Numb

Barring the results of my CD3 bloodwork, there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with us. My 7DPO bloodwork from last week checked out all fine. Husband's sperm are fine. A few aren't the prettiest, but overall there is no reason that they shouldn't be able to fertilize an egg. His count was even on the higher side! (Typical...when he does something sometimes he over does it. Heeheehee....)

Anyway, cycle 14 started a few days ago. It wasn't a surprise. At this point, its more expected than anything else. Who am I kidding, I can't get pregnant on my own anyway! It hurts, it hurts more and more every month. I can't cry anymore though, I think I used up the tears a few months ago, probably right around cycle 10 or 11. It's just a numbness I can't describe properly. Like you've hit yourself with a hammer one too many times and you can't feel it anymore.

My husband is starting to "get it" finally. A year after we stopped BCP, he's starting to understand. This is great, but now, I'm starting to feel inadequate. He's just as bummed as I am, ok, in all honesty, probably not AS bummed, but definitely bummed, when my period starts. He was so convinced that we had conceived this month, we did everything "right". Unfortunately, all those things are worthless when my own uterus is toxic to an embryo. He rubbed my belly and talked to whatever was going on in there. I can't give him a baby though, not right now. And I just don't understand why for some people, it has to be so hard and take so much work.

I teared up at church on Mother's Day. It really wasn't because I'm not a mother, it was because of what if I never get to be a mother. During the offeratory, they have baskets up at the altar to collect canned food donations and all the little children love to run up and put their can in the basket. I was watching all of them run back to their moms and dads with the biggest grins on their faces and their eyes fixated on their parents. Grins that said a million things behind them. I started to wonder if there will ever be a little child that looks at me like that, with so much happiness and joy and so much love to give. These days I'm not sure I'll ever be that lucky.

I'm bitter, I'm sad, and I'm disappointed. I can't concentrate on the rest of life. I feel like Meredith mentioned on Grey's Anatomy once, something to the effect of, "I'm so miserable, I can't be around normal people because I'm afraid I'll infect them". I try to remind myself of all I have to be thankful for on a daily basis. This week I'm thankful that the storms that came through our area Wednesday didn't cause any damage to our home or our cars.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday to see if I'm going to ovulate from the right ovary again. Here's to hope, right? Let the hoping and praying begin! Wish us luck and above all, wish that I can believe that miracles can happen to us.

"There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowards and afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter those words is God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is 'no'." -Desperate Housewives

Testing...1...2...3

Last Thursday began the first round of our testing to see WHAT ELSE we could be up against, we were having his semen analysis and part of my bloodwork done. I think my husband had a little pent-up frustration you could say after our moratorium on sex for a few days. Actually, after the previous week, I think it would have happened anyway, however, you know how you want to do something only because you know you can't? Yeah, that made it a little difficult on BOTH of us.

Anyway, nothing exciting happened, I made it to the lab with the little cup in the RE issued brown paper bag without a hitch. I was worried I'd get caught in traffic or something else dramatic would foil our plans and we'd have to repeat the test much to our disappointment. I was a little embarrassed walking in with my little paper bag, but four vials of blood out of my right arm later, I had survived.

There was a pregnant girl in there with her boyfriend/husband/baby daddy whatever. They were dressed like Nirvana fans would in the early 90s or if we were in say, Seattle maybe? She was taking the glucose test and I heard her say something about having done that before. She couldn't have been older than I am, if so, not by much. So she possibly could have 2 kids or more and here I am, late in Cycle #13 and can't get pregnant.

Neigther one of them seemed very happy or excited -- maybe it was just a bad day, I don't know. In the hour I sat there, I didn't ever catch a single smile out of the two of them. I know its completely irrational to expect anyone pregnant to be estatic every minute of every day, but I don't know what drives me crazier - sad pregnant women, or obnoxiously happy pregnant women! I guess both are a punch to the babymaker in their own ways.

"But the struggles make you stronger...and the changes make you wise. And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time....life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride." - Gary Allen, Life Ain't Always Beautiful

This is GREAT!

I came across this in another Nestie's blog, I can't believe I missed it on the boards. I want to post it over here so I can re-read it when I need to.

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: just relax and you’ll get pregnant, or adopt and you’ll get pregnant, of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan; maybe God never meant for you to have children. The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life? It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is; a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled. I’ve gained more compassion, deeper courage, greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice; I’ll say “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”

(Thanks MrsMeyer9206!)

Is Knowing Better than Not Knowing?

Last week, we had our first RE appointment. I'm still not sure how I feel about the man, but oh well, his job is to get us pregnant, not tell me everything is fine and hold my hand. I was glad though to hear him say what I've been thinking the past couple weeks that the husband just.doesn't.get: "Something should have happened by now."

The good news....he agreed that I do ovulate on my own. The bad news...the blocked tube may be causing more problems than I was aware of. I naively thought that maybe when I was ovulating from the right side and now that the endo is cleared up, that my chances of getting pregnant were close to "normal". In reality, because of my blocked tube, that knocks my chances down to about 2/3 of what would be your normal 20% chance per cycle...assuming I ovulate from the right ovary. There's a good chance that there is fluid that can't drain out that side that is just washing back in to my uterus and either flushing things out or creating little "pools" of fluid in my uterine lining that make it difficult for an embryo to implant. That's a bummer. Even if the little egg gets fertilized, there is a possibility that it can't get all comfy and cozy for a nine month stay.

I don't know if its just my RE, but I feel like he's very aggressive...which maybe would be good if my two options weren't surgery to fix/remove the tube or IVF. I'm not quite fond of either idea just yet, mainly because I just had a laparoscopy not even two months ago for the endo. The husband isn't quite fond of the IVF idea because he's all about doing things "naturally". (Freaking hippie). We're going to back fill all the other testing that I haven't done to see what else we are dealing with but the RE sounds confident that everything else is fine. That means I don't know whether to smile or frown.

Today was meeting #2 with the RE to see what side I will ovulate on and the great news is that it will be on the right side! Our chance will be more than zero! Ahem, guess what we will be doing this weekend (wink, wink).

Anyway, now on to the normal hoping and praying for the next few weeks.

I think right now what I'm comfortable with, is that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the summer, we'll go forward probably with the surgery. In the long term, that may be our best bet. This is going to be our last summer sans a kiddo (not if...it will BE) and if I can enjoy my pina coladas, then I'm going to enjoy them and enjoy the last few months of being "just" a wife. I'll be a mommy someday...and for the rest of my life hopefully!

Side note: I just found out this past week that orchids are good fertility joojoo. Ummm, this baffles me. I first fell in love with orchids before our wedding and used them in what I could, I love, love, love them. I now have acquired two plants since we've been married and what is ironic about this whole "being good for fertility" is that 13 cycles later, I'm still not pregnant, and I am so botanically challenged that I'm beyond amazed that these are the only two plants that I have EVER been able to keep alive. Seriously. Any other potted plant anyone has ever given me, I have successfully killed.

Bloodwork to be done next Thursday along with the husband's semen analysis.

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true, but it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and it's enough to break your heart." -Nicholas Sparks

Cycle #13

Here we are, a place that in a million years, never thought we'd be. We haven't hit the year mark, but because of my short whacko cycles have made it to 13 before May. I knew a year ago that we'd have some trouble...but I thought that meant we'd make it to 7, 8, maybe 9 before getting me knocked up. Boy, was I wrong.

I can't go into too much detail, I'm trying to write somewhat anonymously in the event someone we know stumbles across this but ten, fifteen, years ago - I didn't want kids. My brothers and sisters were born when I was eight. Yes, I used plurals. I was old enough to be the "helpful big sister"...I changed diapers, I fed bottles, I retrieved lost pacifiers. I think I must have changed more diapers in two years than more people change in their lifetimes. Anyway, I harbored a lot of bitterness, maybe not towards my parents or my brothers or sisters specifically, but towards just babies/kids in general. I couldn't go out and get a babysitting job like my friends did in jr. high and high school because well, I was needed at home. I was over the raising kids by the time I went away to college! Now, I'm like their younger hipper mom, and in some ways I have more affection for them in a motherly sort of way if that makes any sense. I'm so proud of the way they turned out and I think that's part of the reason I want kids now--look how great I helped them turn out! Anyway though, there was a period where the idea of babies or children that were spawned from me made me nauseous and wretchedly ill.

So, the original plan was to wait about 4 or 5 years to have kids. We both knew that we wanted them, we just didn't think we wanted them anytime soon. We both come from modest backgrounds and have been so fortunate to end up where we are at. We both ended up graduating from college with somewhat impressive degrees, we both have great jobs that probably pay a little too well for our ages, we've made some smart choices. Because my parents were busy raising our family and his parents were busy working on their college educations, we probably have a lot we need to that some other couples may already have achieved -- like we need to do some traveling and we need to do some saving (yeah, if that's not a conundrum how to do both). Come birthday #27, my clock started ticking. WTF did that come from? All of a sudden, I feel like an alarm went off loud and clear. The worst part was -- I kept trying to hit "snooze" and either I don't have one, its broken, or I kept missing the button. After multiple conversations and psyching ourselves up, we decide I can go off the Pill in May -- about 9 months into our wedding. We decide that you know, why not. We can give our kids the experiences that we didn't have and when we take vacations - a lot of times it will be the first for all of us and we can do it all together. Plus if we need to get away, his parents live in town and have made it more than clear that they were ready for grandchildren.

May, June, July, August go by. We were half-heartedly trying. I was charting, but we weren't using OPKs or anything. Looking back we had some damn good timed sex. But its ok...we weren't seriously TRYING. September brings our one year anniversary and the confidence that dammit, its going to be a great year. September, October, November goes by and I start to have a lot of spotting...oh well, everyone is entitled to a weird cycle every now and then and....well, I'm not pregnant by birthday # 28, but its ok. December, did I ovulate? Hmmm, what is going on now? I start to have ridiculously heavy periods...starting to last for 10 days or so. January, lots of spotting again. A call to the doctor confirms the suspicion I had started to have - I may have endometriosis. She thinks its worth having a laparoscopy to go in and see if there is anything going on in there that shouldn't be. Get it scheduled for early March. At this point, I'm convinced that I have it. It makes sense, my mom and cousin struggled with it.

Surgery is done and my worst fear is realized. I do have endo. Not only do I have endo, but I have a completely blocked left tube. A blocked tube. Meaning I have one tube that may work (and she said she can't guarantee that its in good condition). Because the tube on the left is shot, that ovary is worthless right now. I'm really sad about this. I have to ovulate from the right side to get pregnant, I have to have a tube in decent shape. Not only is the "normal" couple's chance of getting pregnant every month about 20% but what do you think these strikes make my chances? Not so hot. My gynocologist referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). She thinks that the endo will come back and that I either need to be pregnant or on hormone therapy (BCPs or other) to keep it at bay. She thinks that because we don't know how long that window is and because we've been at this for awhile with no luck, that its worth sending me to the RE. It took a couple days of crying because I never thought I'd have to do that, I always hoped that it wouldn't be me, it wouldn't be us.

I had high hopes for the first cycle after the lap. I hear that sometimes that is all some women with endo need - a little clearing out of things and they are as good as new. I decide to get hopeful and think that cycle #12 will be a success. Once again, I was notified that it wasn't. Here goes cycle #13 with our RE appointment on Thursday. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm sad. I know that 12 cycles pales in comparison with those that have been trying for 18, 24 plus cycles. I know that I'm not *there* yet, but there is already this ache in my heart. I'm worn out - emotionally & physically. I don't know that I can take another month of getting my hopes up and being let down again. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, I know by now...but I can't help it. There's always the "what if this was it?" only to be kicking myself later because I should have known.

As I sit here in the dawn of cycle #13, I feel like this hope that I have a love/hate relationship with is slipping away. We hoped a year ago that we could do this naturally. I am terrified of fertility drugs because of what resulted in my brothers and sisters. I can't handle THAT. The more I'm learning though, the more comfortable I'm getting with them. I can only HOPE that our problem is a simple one to solve and that maybe just one little thing is what is going to make all the difference. I read a line today that I'm adopting as my motto for awhile and that is what I will leave this entry with.

"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OKAY, IT'S NOT THE END."



Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like -Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes