Here we are, a place that in a million years, never thought we'd be. We haven't hit the year mark, but because of my short whacko cycles have made it to 13 before May. I knew a year ago that we'd have some trouble...but I thought that meant we'd make it to 7, 8, maybe 9 before getting me knocked up. Boy, was I wrong.
I can't go into too much detail, I'm trying to write somewhat anonymously in the event someone we know stumbles across this but ten, fifteen, years ago - I didn't want kids. My brothers and sisters were born when I was eight. Yes, I used plurals. I was old enough to be the "helpful big sister"...I changed diapers, I fed bottles, I retrieved lost pacifiers. I think I must have changed more diapers in two years than more people change in their lifetimes. Anyway, I harbored a lot of bitterness, maybe not towards my parents or my brothers or sisters specifically, but towards just babies/kids in general. I couldn't go out and get a babysitting job like my friends did in jr. high and high school because well, I was needed at home. I was over the raising kids by the time I went away to college! Now, I'm like their younger hipper mom, and in some ways I have more affection for them in a motherly sort of way if that makes any sense. I'm so proud of the way they turned out and I think that's part of the reason I want kids now--look how great I helped them turn out! Anyway though, there was a period where the idea of babies or children that were spawned from me made me nauseous and wretchedly ill.
So, the original plan was to wait about 4 or 5 years to have kids. We both knew that we wanted them, we just didn't think we wanted them anytime soon. We both come from modest backgrounds and have been so fortunate to end up where we are at. We both ended up graduating from college with somewhat impressive degrees, we both have great jobs that probably pay a little too well for our ages, we've made some smart choices. Because my parents were busy raising our family and his parents were busy working on their college educations, we probably have a lot we need to that some other couples may already have achieved -- like we need to do some traveling and we need to do some saving (yeah, if that's not a conundrum how to do both). Come birthday #27, my clock started ticking. WTF did that come from? All of a sudden, I feel like an alarm went off loud and clear. The worst part was -- I kept trying to hit "snooze" and either I don't have one, its broken, or I kept missing the button. After multiple conversations and psyching ourselves up, we decide I can go off the Pill in May -- about 9 months into our wedding. We decide that you know, why not. We can give our kids the experiences that we didn't have and when we take vacations - a lot of times it will be the first for all of us and we can do it all together. Plus if we need to get away, his parents live in town and have made it more than clear that they were ready for grandchildren.
May, June, July, August go by. We were half-heartedly trying. I was charting, but we weren't using OPKs or anything. Looking back we had some damn good timed sex. But its ok...we weren't seriously TRYING. September brings our one year anniversary and the confidence that dammit, its going to be a great year. September, October, November goes by and I start to have a lot of spotting...oh well, everyone is entitled to a weird cycle every now and then and....well, I'm not pregnant by birthday # 28, but its ok. December, did I ovulate? Hmmm, what is going on now? I start to have ridiculously heavy periods...starting to last for 10 days or so. January, lots of spotting again. A call to the doctor confirms the suspicion I had started to have - I may have endometriosis. She thinks its worth having a laparoscopy to go in and see if there is anything going on in there that shouldn't be. Get it scheduled for early March. At this point, I'm convinced that I have it. It makes sense, my mom and cousin struggled with it.
Surgery is done and my worst fear is realized. I do have endo. Not only do I have endo, but I have a completely blocked left tube. A blocked tube. Meaning I have one tube that may work (and she said she can't guarantee that its in good condition). Because the tube on the left is shot, that ovary is worthless right now. I'm really sad about this. I have to ovulate from the right side to get pregnant, I have to have a tube in decent shape. Not only is the "normal" couple's chance of getting pregnant every month about 20% but what do you think these strikes make my chances? Not so hot. My gynocologist referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). She thinks that the endo will come back and that I either need to be pregnant or on hormone therapy (BCPs or other) to keep it at bay. She thinks that because we don't know how long that window is and because we've been at this for awhile with no luck, that its worth sending me to the RE. It took a couple days of crying because I never thought I'd have to do that, I always hoped that it wouldn't be me, it wouldn't be us.
I had high hopes for the first cycle after the lap. I hear that sometimes that is all some women with endo need - a little clearing out of things and they are as good as new. I decide to get hopeful and think that cycle #12 will be a success. Once again, I was notified that it wasn't. Here goes cycle #13 with our RE appointment on Thursday. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm sad. I know that 12 cycles pales in comparison with those that have been trying for 18, 24 plus cycles. I know that I'm not *there* yet, but there is already this ache in my heart. I'm worn out - emotionally & physically. I don't know that I can take another month of getting my hopes up and being let down again. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, I know by now...but I can't help it. There's always the "what if this was it?" only to be kicking myself later because I should have known.
As I sit here in the dawn of cycle #13, I feel like this hope that I have a love/hate relationship with is slipping away. We hoped a year ago that we could do this naturally. I am terrified of fertility drugs because of what resulted in my brothers and sisters. I can't handle THAT. The more I'm learning though, the more comfortable I'm getting with them. I can only HOPE that our problem is a simple one to solve and that maybe just one little thing is what is going to make all the difference. I read a line today that I'm adopting as my motto for awhile and that is what I will leave this entry with.
"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OKAY, IT'S NOT THE END."
Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like -Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
I can't go into too much detail, I'm trying to write somewhat anonymously in the event someone we know stumbles across this but ten, fifteen, years ago - I didn't want kids. My brothers and sisters were born when I was eight. Yes, I used plurals. I was old enough to be the "helpful big sister"...I changed diapers, I fed bottles, I retrieved lost pacifiers. I think I must have changed more diapers in two years than more people change in their lifetimes. Anyway, I harbored a lot of bitterness, maybe not towards my parents or my brothers or sisters specifically, but towards just babies/kids in general. I couldn't go out and get a babysitting job like my friends did in jr. high and high school because well, I was needed at home. I was over the raising kids by the time I went away to college! Now, I'm like their younger hipper mom, and in some ways I have more affection for them in a motherly sort of way if that makes any sense. I'm so proud of the way they turned out and I think that's part of the reason I want kids now--look how great I helped them turn out! Anyway though, there was a period where the idea of babies or children that were spawned from me made me nauseous and wretchedly ill.
So, the original plan was to wait about 4 or 5 years to have kids. We both knew that we wanted them, we just didn't think we wanted them anytime soon. We both come from modest backgrounds and have been so fortunate to end up where we are at. We both ended up graduating from college with somewhat impressive degrees, we both have great jobs that probably pay a little too well for our ages, we've made some smart choices. Because my parents were busy raising our family and his parents were busy working on their college educations, we probably have a lot we need to that some other couples may already have achieved -- like we need to do some traveling and we need to do some saving (yeah, if that's not a conundrum how to do both). Come birthday #27, my clock started ticking. WTF did that come from? All of a sudden, I feel like an alarm went off loud and clear. The worst part was -- I kept trying to hit "snooze" and either I don't have one, its broken, or I kept missing the button. After multiple conversations and psyching ourselves up, we decide I can go off the Pill in May -- about 9 months into our wedding. We decide that you know, why not. We can give our kids the experiences that we didn't have and when we take vacations - a lot of times it will be the first for all of us and we can do it all together. Plus if we need to get away, his parents live in town and have made it more than clear that they were ready for grandchildren.
May, June, July, August go by. We were half-heartedly trying. I was charting, but we weren't using OPKs or anything. Looking back we had some damn good timed sex. But its ok...we weren't seriously TRYING. September brings our one year anniversary and the confidence that dammit, its going to be a great year. September, October, November goes by and I start to have a lot of spotting...oh well, everyone is entitled to a weird cycle every now and then and....well, I'm not pregnant by birthday # 28, but its ok. December, did I ovulate? Hmmm, what is going on now? I start to have ridiculously heavy periods...starting to last for 10 days or so. January, lots of spotting again. A call to the doctor confirms the suspicion I had started to have - I may have endometriosis. She thinks its worth having a laparoscopy to go in and see if there is anything going on in there that shouldn't be. Get it scheduled for early March. At this point, I'm convinced that I have it. It makes sense, my mom and cousin struggled with it.
Surgery is done and my worst fear is realized. I do have endo. Not only do I have endo, but I have a completely blocked left tube. A blocked tube. Meaning I have one tube that may work (and she said she can't guarantee that its in good condition). Because the tube on the left is shot, that ovary is worthless right now. I'm really sad about this. I have to ovulate from the right side to get pregnant, I have to have a tube in decent shape. Not only is the "normal" couple's chance of getting pregnant every month about 20% but what do you think these strikes make my chances? Not so hot. My gynocologist referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). She thinks that the endo will come back and that I either need to be pregnant or on hormone therapy (BCPs or other) to keep it at bay. She thinks that because we don't know how long that window is and because we've been at this for awhile with no luck, that its worth sending me to the RE. It took a couple days of crying because I never thought I'd have to do that, I always hoped that it wouldn't be me, it wouldn't be us.
I had high hopes for the first cycle after the lap. I hear that sometimes that is all some women with endo need - a little clearing out of things and they are as good as new. I decide to get hopeful and think that cycle #12 will be a success. Once again, I was notified that it wasn't. Here goes cycle #13 with our RE appointment on Thursday. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm sad. I know that 12 cycles pales in comparison with those that have been trying for 18, 24 plus cycles. I know that I'm not *there* yet, but there is already this ache in my heart. I'm worn out - emotionally & physically. I don't know that I can take another month of getting my hopes up and being let down again. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, I know by now...but I can't help it. There's always the "what if this was it?" only to be kicking myself later because I should have known.
As I sit here in the dawn of cycle #13, I feel like this hope that I have a love/hate relationship with is slipping away. We hoped a year ago that we could do this naturally. I am terrified of fertility drugs because of what resulted in my brothers and sisters. I can't handle THAT. The more I'm learning though, the more comfortable I'm getting with them. I can only HOPE that our problem is a simple one to solve and that maybe just one little thing is what is going to make all the difference. I read a line today that I'm adopting as my motto for awhile and that is what I will leave this entry with.
"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OKAY, IT'S NOT THE END."
Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like -Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
2 comments:
Hi, I just came across your blog from the Nest's 6+ board. Just wanted to say hello. I look forward to reading more of your posts and I'll say a prayer that your challenges have a simple solution. Best of luck to you and your husband....
Another TTC 6month+er here.
Thank you for sharing. I hope that you find blogging to be a help. I've found it works wonders on my emotional well being just to get it out.
I hope that the tides start to change for you soon.
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