Back to work

Maternity leave ended on Monday, so unfortunately it was back to work on Tuesday. It was a little surreal being back. My coworkers were very sweet and got me a box of my favorite cookies. Not good for the pudge but oh well. I managed however, to save the tears until I got home.

Wednesday was a lot tougher. I cried here at work. Reality is sinking in and it sucks. The nanny sent me a picture and Savannah looked grumpy. :-(. She didn't nap well Tuesday, but she slept well that night despite being cranky. I took her sleep positioner, the "Snuggle Nest" over to see if that helped on Wednesday and seems like it did. I thought maybe it would help her feel more at home. I also instucted the nanny to swaddle her. She didn't try that Tuesday, even though last week I mentioned to her that Savannah likes to be swaddled for sleeping.

It slightly bugged me that she didn't call or text to ask if there was anything that would help Savannah sleep. I don't want to come across as a controlling parent, but she's my baby. Plus, I know what she likes and doesn't like.

Wednesday night led to a lot of tears. All I wanted to do was snuggle her and kiss her and smell her. All Savannah wanted to was nurse all evening off and on, like she missed it. I was flattered of course, after all our struggling early on, now she seems to enjoy it. I just felt guilty. I waited for Savannah for almost three years and to just go place her with someone feels wrong.

I wish I would have known I'd feel this way. I thought I'd want to be a working mom with all my drive and determination. I thought I'd miss adult interaction. I didn't! I wish we'd made plans years ago. Actually though with the recession, even the best laid plans probably wouldn't have worked out.

I just hope this gets easier. Everyone says it will and I hope they aren't just saying that. I feel like I have the "baby blues" all over again.



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The Wii says...

The Wii says that I am down 4 lbs from the last weigh in which is 4 lbs down from even pre-pregnancy because I had already lost all the weight.

The Wii also says Savannah is 13.6 lbs. Way to go monkey!!!


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Good News & Bad News

Good news is that my pre-pregnancy work pants fit like a glove. I'm kind of amazed. I know I've lost the weight and have kept it off for awhile now, but my body is definitely "different". I'm pleased my pants fit. Some of them are actually a little big. Some are snug and if I were buying them today, I'd go up a size to be comfortable; but they will do.

Bad news is that 95% of my old shirts don't fit with my new boobs. This is a problem. I hope I can convince Justin to do a little shopping with me this weekend! Or let Savannah Banana and I go. She has a onesie that says, "Shopping with Mommy Makes Me Happy!" She's a momma's girl. I think all the smiles I can get out of her prove it. :)

We went to hang out with the nanny yesterday. It went well. I like her and she's good with kids....I just don't want to leave little S. :(

S is going to be spending time with another little boy who is 7 months old. He's so big compared to her and when we "introduced" them yesterday, the little Mr. C took a liking to Savannah, I think, because he leaned over and put his hand on her thigh! We both were like, "Cxxx!!!" I half jokingly told Justin he needs to start cleaning that gun. He's been saying for months now how he wants to get a gun, just to clean it when the boys come calling. He might need that sooner than 15 or 16 years from now!

Here's my little monkey in one of her many panda outfits. She was 11 weeks old yesterday.

Clarification

I wish (for Savannah's sake) I could quit my job but I really don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. To save my sanity, rather than look at the full three years or whatever we are looking at, I'm looking at things in six month increments-which will stretch out multiple times.

I like my job, I like the people I work with, but this little girl has rocked my world and rearranged my priorities unexpectedly. I should have seen it coming. Oh well. We have to make the best of it.

Hopefully Justin doesn't mouth off and get fired, I think that secretly he would love to be Mr. Mom. He's such a hands-on dad.

In other news, last week was the first week Savannah did not reject one single breastfeeding session! It only took ten weeks, but I think we are getting the hang of it!! She's becoming so interactive. We have hour long smile and stare sessions at each other and much to her daddy's dismay; she seems to be a momma's girl. She can track us moving, she turns her head to look for me when she hears my voice, she's got the smiling down great. She will grab hair and necklaces, as well as my shirt and her blankets, but she hasn't reached out for any toys yet. I can't believe how fast she's growing and I love watching her learn!



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One more week of maternity leave...

....and then its back to the "real world" for me. I'm dreading it.

I never thought I would feel so strongly about this, but I am ready to give up everything for her. I hate that we waited so long for her and are now dumping her off with a stranger. Fortunately, we found another couple with a nanny for their now six-month old little boy that was just itching to nanny-share, so she'll get a lot more one-on-one attention than at a daycare. She will also get to "socialize" with another baby, which granted, probably won't be all that much until she's older since she won't be all that interested. But still, its a little more personal for us. Nanny is from Brazil and speaks Portuguese and Spanish, as well as English of course, so Savannah will get to learn another language as she grows. If we knew someone who knew Mandarin, we'd have a well-rounded baby.

I'm changing my work hours from 9 am to 6 pm (or usually ended up being 7 pm) to 8 am to 4 pm without leaving for lunch. We'll see how that goes. I can tell you now that I'm not a fan. I really wish my boss was more flexible, but he's mentioned to a coworker who went to a part time schedule that he really wants us in the office every day. She's already locked up the part time option and I highly doubt he'd let two of us do that. I give it to the end of the year for Justin to either make more money and/or we get our credit cards paid down and we can re-evaluate our financial position. I don't make a boat ton of money, but I make a damn good amount and we're pretty used to our lifestyle....so we have to be comfortable with letting that go. Or maybe just have a heart to heart with my boss and negotiate something. I don't see why I couldn't work from home with the right equipment. Everything is submitted electronically these days, I feel like offices are becoming obsolete. I know though that he likes hollering out "Jennifer" from his office.... :-/

Anyway, on a happier note, in the past week, Savannah has really been smiling like crazy. She can't do much, but she can smile often and beautifully. It literally melts my heart and still brings tears to my eyes every now and then. The other day, we must have had an hour long session where she just laid next to me and we stared at each other and smiled over and over and over. I think she's becoming a Momma's girl because that same night, she wanted nothing to do with her daddy. He would hold her and she'd look around for me. Ha. I love it. I must be the luckiest person in the world. I'm sure every mom thinks that about their baby though. I am so thankful that she's healthy, appears to be happy, and that she's mine. She is perfect and I love her so much.