I am in Infertile Hell

I can't take it anymore.

I'm about to start to hyperventilate...which is demonstrative of how bad I can't take it anymore. Or seriously about to just up and leave work.

2 of my coworker's wives are/were pg. Baby #1 was born 4 weeks ago tomorrow (I won the baby pool we had here), baby #2 is coming any day now. Hopefully next Thursday, but that's beside the point. (Although, how ironic would it be for the infertile to win both baby pools?)

Well, said coworker's know about 11 other people that were due right around now and I sit outside one of their offices (down the hall from the other, which is just like sitting right outside because he's loud) and hear all the baby conversations. Its not only chatting with their new parent/about-to-be-new parent buddies, but coworker #1 talks about the baby and coworker #2 talks about the baby they are about to have to our business associates too. Out of all these baby conversations, I've heard them mention IF treatments very vaguely in reference to only one couple out of the bazillion others. I can tell they obviously don't know much about IF and it takes every bone in my body to not open my mouth and correct them.

I must hear about 5-6 HOURS worth of baby conversations in a given day lately--between people here in the office and them talking to other people on the phone. Today, both cw AND his wife sent me baby pictures.

I feel like I've really been such a trooper about the whole ordeal the past couple months but with the excitement a new baby AND a labor watch going this week, I really can't handle it. If this doesn't die down soon, I'm going to need to be committed...straightjacket and all. My method of coping has been to pretend to just not be interested in babies, which has of course has me coming across as a bit of a baby-hater. If they only knew that the real reason is I'm uninterested is because that its KILLING me. I'm seriously on the verge of tears typing this.

I need some distractions to keep me busy until August. I also think I need to somehow devise a way to work from home until then. :-(

I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people . -Grey's Anatomy

We have a plan!

First of all, I wish this blog was more exciting. I wish I could entertain the 4 or 5 of you that might actually read this with belly pics or ultrasound photos or pictures of the nursery. Sorry!

Alright, the plan that Justin and I agreed upon.....

We're going to Roatan the first week of April. As soon as we get back (and as soon as we can get it scheduled), I'll have a lap to fix my tube. We will do ONE "Hail Mary" cycle, unless the RE is convinced he did the trick. Then we are moving on to whatever Dr. V thinks can work, short of IVF for now.

Hey, at least its a plan right?

After some arguing and some pondering, that is what we agreed upon. This way, I should be able to scuba dive in Roatan, which long story, is the only reason I care to go at this point. I'm so excited to finally have a opportunity to move forward. It looks like Justin and I will both keep our jobs and make it through this shitstorm that is the economy. ::knocks on wood:: I now need to be distracted for the next 4 months.

I've been training for a 5K, so I have something to work towards and to focus on, rather than my misery. I don't have one in mind, but I figure I'll get comfortable with the distance and when one comes up, I'll sign up. :-)

My quote for this entry is a little random, but the reason it came to mind is because I actually have this old school song on my "Workout" playlist. I downloaded a lot of '90s rap to run to because it gets me going. It brings back memories of working out in high school, back when I could actually kick some ass, and brings back just happy memories...when things were simple and I thought I knew it all. I heard this today and it made me chuckle, I think that maybe 2pac did have an excellent point. Haha!

"There's gonna be some stuff you gonna see that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit." --2pac, Smile

I can't believe I've been neglecting this

I apologize.

I just wanted to say that we were a "Featured Couple" on TheBump.com last week.

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/ttc_stories/archive/2009/04/08/jennifer-l-923-s-ttc-story.aspx

We were chosen because we're awesome. Seriously though, I'm not sure why.

I need to get better about blogging.

There's not much new with me other than I did discover that our insurance will cover the lap to fix my tube!!! YAY!!!

The only thing holding me back though is this economy. I'm still nervous about my job and the state of things. I work in real estate finance....what two sectors have been hit pretty damn hard? Yeah, real estate and finance. :-(

Today though as I was leaving, my boss actually seemed enthused and encouraged that things are going to start to turn up here soon. That is fantastic! Not only did I have to take a pay cut off of my salary, which is worth it to simply keep my job, but because transaction bonuses make up about 50% of my total package and we've been dead--my income has taken a hit. We've made some cuts and have been really good about socking money away and paying down our debt....just in case.

I sure hope things do turn around. I'd feel better about my job, I'd feel better about having my surgery and moving forward!