I am in Infertile Hell

I can't take it anymore.

I'm about to start to hyperventilate...which is demonstrative of how bad I can't take it anymore. Or seriously about to just up and leave work.

2 of my coworker's wives are/were pg. Baby #1 was born 4 weeks ago tomorrow (I won the baby pool we had here), baby #2 is coming any day now. Hopefully next Thursday, but that's beside the point. (Although, how ironic would it be for the infertile to win both baby pools?)

Well, said coworker's know about 11 other people that were due right around now and I sit outside one of their offices (down the hall from the other, which is just like sitting right outside because he's loud) and hear all the baby conversations. Its not only chatting with their new parent/about-to-be-new parent buddies, but coworker #1 talks about the baby and coworker #2 talks about the baby they are about to have to our business associates too. Out of all these baby conversations, I've heard them mention IF treatments very vaguely in reference to only one couple out of the bazillion others. I can tell they obviously don't know much about IF and it takes every bone in my body to not open my mouth and correct them.

I must hear about 5-6 HOURS worth of baby conversations in a given day lately--between people here in the office and them talking to other people on the phone. Today, both cw AND his wife sent me baby pictures.

I feel like I've really been such a trooper about the whole ordeal the past couple months but with the excitement a new baby AND a labor watch going this week, I really can't handle it. If this doesn't die down soon, I'm going to need to be committed...straightjacket and all. My method of coping has been to pretend to just not be interested in babies, which has of course has me coming across as a bit of a baby-hater. If they only knew that the real reason is I'm uninterested is because that its KILLING me. I'm seriously on the verge of tears typing this.

I need some distractions to keep me busy until August. I also think I need to somehow devise a way to work from home until then. :-(

I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people . -Grey's Anatomy

We have a plan!

First of all, I wish this blog was more exciting. I wish I could entertain the 4 or 5 of you that might actually read this with belly pics or ultrasound photos or pictures of the nursery. Sorry!

Alright, the plan that Justin and I agreed upon.....

We're going to Roatan the first week of April. As soon as we get back (and as soon as we can get it scheduled), I'll have a lap to fix my tube. We will do ONE "Hail Mary" cycle, unless the RE is convinced he did the trick. Then we are moving on to whatever Dr. V thinks can work, short of IVF for now.

Hey, at least its a plan right?

After some arguing and some pondering, that is what we agreed upon. This way, I should be able to scuba dive in Roatan, which long story, is the only reason I care to go at this point. I'm so excited to finally have a opportunity to move forward. It looks like Justin and I will both keep our jobs and make it through this shitstorm that is the economy. ::knocks on wood:: I now need to be distracted for the next 4 months.

I've been training for a 5K, so I have something to work towards and to focus on, rather than my misery. I don't have one in mind, but I figure I'll get comfortable with the distance and when one comes up, I'll sign up. :-)

My quote for this entry is a little random, but the reason it came to mind is because I actually have this old school song on my "Workout" playlist. I downloaded a lot of '90s rap to run to because it gets me going. It brings back memories of working out in high school, back when I could actually kick some ass, and brings back just happy memories...when things were simple and I thought I knew it all. I heard this today and it made me chuckle, I think that maybe 2pac did have an excellent point. Haha!

"There's gonna be some stuff you gonna see that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit." --2pac, Smile

I can't believe I've been neglecting this

I apologize.

I just wanted to say that we were a "Featured Couple" on TheBump.com last week.

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/ttc_stories/archive/2009/04/08/jennifer-l-923-s-ttc-story.aspx

We were chosen because we're awesome. Seriously though, I'm not sure why.

I need to get better about blogging.

There's not much new with me other than I did discover that our insurance will cover the lap to fix my tube!!! YAY!!!

The only thing holding me back though is this economy. I'm still nervous about my job and the state of things. I work in real estate finance....what two sectors have been hit pretty damn hard? Yeah, real estate and finance. :-(

Today though as I was leaving, my boss actually seemed enthused and encouraged that things are going to start to turn up here soon. That is fantastic! Not only did I have to take a pay cut off of my salary, which is worth it to simply keep my job, but because transaction bonuses make up about 50% of my total package and we've been dead--my income has taken a hit. We've made some cuts and have been really good about socking money away and paying down our debt....just in case.

I sure hope things do turn around. I'd feel better about my job, I'd feel better about having my surgery and moving forward!

Worst Blogger Ever!

That's me!

I haven't been blogging, even though I really need to. I've been dealing with lots of things in my head, when I really should be writing about them to get them OUT of my head.

The husband and I have been having a really rough time lately and it has been mostly my fault. I feel awful about it. I 'm in this miserable depressed funk inside and outside I can fake it for only so long before the facade crumbles. I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that we might not have children for awhile...regardless of whether we choose to move forward with treatments or choose to go the adoption route.

I don't think that people understand how this makes a person feel. Scratch that, I KNOW that people don't understand. It sure looks simple from the outside, but now in the throes of IF, I realize that it's not black and white anymore.

I don't wish infertility on anyone, I would never want someone to go through wanting something so badly and not being physically able for it to happen. What I wish for is a little more understanding, rather than implying that we who suffer from IF are raging lunatics. (I'll admit, I have my moments!) Other than a long line of expletives I could choose to shout, I don't think those people will ever see my side. In fact, I hope you don't ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I think we feel bad enough as it is that we can't help but feel a little less than 100% overjoyed when someone else announces that they are pregnant. I would give anything to change that! You know what sister, it doesn't happen overnight. Why can't I have the right to feel a twinge of jealousy? Why can't I have the right to wonder "When's it my turn?"? Why can't I have the right to wonder why x, y, and/or z hasn't worked for me? None of those take away in my mind from the joy I do truly feel about some one's announcement--I'm glad that they get what they wanted. If the roles were reversed, I would EXPECT them to feel the same pangs and twinges and have those same thoughts. What most people won't understand is that you aren't necessarily grieving for what you don't have....you're sad about what may never be.

The dichotomy of these feelings are confusing - the fact that you can be happy for someone yet sad for yourself at the same time. It's possible and I know that it's not something that qualifies me for a "crazy" label. I have a laundry list of other issues that just may certainly make me a contender, but not this.

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
- Voltaire

I've been tagged!

PMarie tagged me. Shame on you. ;-) You'll now be spanked. And you'll have to like it.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:
1. I hate bananas.
2. I love chocolate chip cookies.
3. I'm somewhat terrified of flying.
4. I sleep with pit bulls and I like it. (Don't think anything dirty...that's gross!)
5. I love the Twilight series and feel like the biggest dork.
6. I'm not listening to the conference call I should be listening to right now.

Tagging:
Joyco
TXAggieBride06
LeahB
Chrys
Adkins
MrsMayT

Breakdown

I had a major "Category 5" breakdown the other night. It was one of those long overdue breakdowns....where you just can't hold it in anymore.

I was trying to get what I could (if you know what I mean) since DH was going out of town on his boys trip over the weekend. I couldn't get in the mood, I was ridiculously on edge and already about to crack from the pressure. Midway through, I lost it. I just started bawling--ugly, ugly, ugly tears. I'm so frustrated with forcing sex, with not enjoying it because we've had it for five straight days and I'm tired. For 16 cycles, I feel like we've been trying so hard and in vain. I'm exhausted because I feel like every month is a failure.

I feel like such a putz, I shouldn't complain about having sex with my husband--whom I love and adore. And I'm fine other times of the month! It's just around ovulation time that I just can't let myself enjoy it. I think that my brain has made this awful correlation between sex and disappointment. DH was so good about it. He usually just gets very uncomfortable when I have a ridiculously random outburst, but he put his arms around me and just listened.

As I talked through everything that was wrong, I realized that I just need to let go. I'm putting so much pressure on me and on us. I was angry because there is no way that we can afford to take the next recommended step -- surgery and then maybe --IVF. All our money is tied up in investments that we can't cash out of. I was angry because our insurance won't cover it for us. I'm angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm angry because I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I was angry because its not fair. I was angry because I wouldn't have gotten a new tattoo had I been knocked up right now! (I'll get to that later) I need to let go. I need to trust that this will all work out the way it should.

If you stalk my shitty chart, I regret to inform you that I am putting the thermometer away. I want to put the CBEFM away, but you may need to pry that little gizmo out of my cold dead hands. Since I ovulate all over the place, my LP has been pretty consistent since the surgery so it would be nice to have a general idea of when my period will arrive. The CBEFM only gets used for at most 10 days out of the month. However, it probably will not be used to time sex. Timing isn't the problem...I am convinced now after 6 months of the most perfect timing ever. We're just going to go with the flow. If we want to, we will, if we don't, no pressure. I need a break to save my sanity.

So there you go....until further notice, we are on a TTC break. I need to breathe. Of course we're going to continue to "try", just not so hard. We're going to Vegas to see some family at the end of the month and then we're going to Mexico for our anniversary. I'm very excited for both those trips, I know they will be good for me. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging. ::wink::

"When we come to the edge of all that we know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure: either God will provide something to stand on or we will be taught how to fly."

Sunday Service

I was raised Catholic, I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until my junior year of college, when i transferred from a private Catholic university to a public university in my home state. That's about 15 years of Catholic School!! I've been bombarded and inundated with their belief system and you can imagine that cramming that down one's throat can cause a lot of internal conflict some of the time.

Anyway, today we went to mass as usual and were ecstatic to see that our favorite priest of the time being was going to performing mass. He's definitely younger, and you can tell in his messages. He says a lot of things that the "traditional" Catholic Church probably wouldn't love. His homily had three wonderful messages that I just needed to hear today. I think that someone was trying to tell me something, and I think I heard loud and clear.

Today's topic was about the Kingdom of Heaven and how you need to open your heart and your mind to see it all around you. I won't bore you with all the details, but here are the three things that stood out to me:

1) You could go to church every day and just "go through the motions" but its not going to put you any further ahead. You have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to open your heart. (I've believed this for YEARS, but no one has ever confirmed my thoughts.) He said, sure, going through the rituals is a nice start to open your relationship with God, but it shouldn't be all there is to it.

2) God is not a vending machine. God isn't going to up and give you what you want, just because you ask for it. He doesn't give you things. He's not going to give you the car you want, your dream job, he's not going to magically drop a husband/wife into your lap, nor a child. (This confirmed my inkling that God doesn't care what happens in specific uteri.)

3) God wants us to be happy. (You don't know how comforting that was to me.)

I trust with all my heart that God does want me to be happy.

I know that most people who haven't been through IF don't understand how much some little offhand comments about receiving a "gift" from God or being "blessed" can sting. Is God looking down at our houses saying "Sorry, ask again later." like Magic 8 Ball? I believe that God doesn't get involved in deciding who gets pregnant and who doesn't. No one is more blessed or deserves it more than the next person in God's eyes. It's all relative.

"I asked for strength...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom...and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity...and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage...and God gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for patience...and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love...and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors...and God gave me opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, he gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. My prayer has been answered."