I am in Infertile Hell

I can't take it anymore.

I'm about to start to hyperventilate...which is demonstrative of how bad I can't take it anymore. Or seriously about to just up and leave work.

2 of my coworker's wives are/were pg. Baby #1 was born 4 weeks ago tomorrow (I won the baby pool we had here), baby #2 is coming any day now. Hopefully next Thursday, but that's beside the point. (Although, how ironic would it be for the infertile to win both baby pools?)

Well, said coworker's know about 11 other people that were due right around now and I sit outside one of their offices (down the hall from the other, which is just like sitting right outside because he's loud) and hear all the baby conversations. Its not only chatting with their new parent/about-to-be-new parent buddies, but coworker #1 talks about the baby and coworker #2 talks about the baby they are about to have to our business associates too. Out of all these baby conversations, I've heard them mention IF treatments very vaguely in reference to only one couple out of the bazillion others. I can tell they obviously don't know much about IF and it takes every bone in my body to not open my mouth and correct them.

I must hear about 5-6 HOURS worth of baby conversations in a given day lately--between people here in the office and them talking to other people on the phone. Today, both cw AND his wife sent me baby pictures.

I feel like I've really been such a trooper about the whole ordeal the past couple months but with the excitement a new baby AND a labor watch going this week, I really can't handle it. If this doesn't die down soon, I'm going to need to be committed...straightjacket and all. My method of coping has been to pretend to just not be interested in babies, which has of course has me coming across as a bit of a baby-hater. If they only knew that the real reason is I'm uninterested is because that its KILLING me. I'm seriously on the verge of tears typing this.

I need some distractions to keep me busy until August. I also think I need to somehow devise a way to work from home until then. :-(

I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people . -Grey's Anatomy

Worst Blogger Ever!

That's me!

I haven't been blogging, even though I really need to. I've been dealing with lots of things in my head, when I really should be writing about them to get them OUT of my head.

The husband and I have been having a really rough time lately and it has been mostly my fault. I feel awful about it. I 'm in this miserable depressed funk inside and outside I can fake it for only so long before the facade crumbles. I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that we might not have children for awhile...regardless of whether we choose to move forward with treatments or choose to go the adoption route.

I don't think that people understand how this makes a person feel. Scratch that, I KNOW that people don't understand. It sure looks simple from the outside, but now in the throes of IF, I realize that it's not black and white anymore.

I don't wish infertility on anyone, I would never want someone to go through wanting something so badly and not being physically able for it to happen. What I wish for is a little more understanding, rather than implying that we who suffer from IF are raging lunatics. (I'll admit, I have my moments!) Other than a long line of expletives I could choose to shout, I don't think those people will ever see my side. In fact, I hope you don't ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I think we feel bad enough as it is that we can't help but feel a little less than 100% overjoyed when someone else announces that they are pregnant. I would give anything to change that! You know what sister, it doesn't happen overnight. Why can't I have the right to feel a twinge of jealousy? Why can't I have the right to wonder "When's it my turn?"? Why can't I have the right to wonder why x, y, and/or z hasn't worked for me? None of those take away in my mind from the joy I do truly feel about some one's announcement--I'm glad that they get what they wanted. If the roles were reversed, I would EXPECT them to feel the same pangs and twinges and have those same thoughts. What most people won't understand is that you aren't necessarily grieving for what you don't have....you're sad about what may never be.

The dichotomy of these feelings are confusing - the fact that you can be happy for someone yet sad for yourself at the same time. It's possible and I know that it's not something that qualifies me for a "crazy" label. I have a laundry list of other issues that just may certainly make me a contender, but not this.

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
- Voltaire

I hate things such as....

1) Being an attention whore and forcing everyone to wonder when you're going to pee on something aka (POAS Watch). Seriously. We don't need the drama leading up to your positive or negative pregnancy test. Pee on something. THEN tell us what the result is. 9 times out of 10, if you're asking IF you should test, you're probably itching to test anyway, regardless of any input. Ooohh or baiting with a symptom, such as being tired, peeing a lot, being nauseous (hey welcome to my world). So just test. Get it over with. THEN tell people. I'll admit, when people ask, I sometimes have encouraged them to test--after glancing at their charts and comparing them to previous cycles. But sometimes I've also suggested that they should wait. What's funny is people get very irritated when you try to talk some sense into them! I don't mind BFP announcements, when I see one from someone I "know", I'll be happy to offer congratulations. I'm very happy for them. POAS Watches to me are equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. And please please please don't post pictures of your pee stick. Yuck.

2) I hate that AF symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are *so* similar. I wish there was some magic light outside your uterus that would go off the moment of implantation that would just definitively tell you--without having to think about it....without having to go days more of wondering.

3) I hate that there is such a thing as infertility. I hate that TTC can't be a level playing field. I hate that having no trouble getting pregnant once doesn't mean that it can be so easy again. I am fine with having a range, saying everyone should conceive in 1-12 months. That would be fine. Understandably, some people would get knocked up right off the bat and that it would take others some time....I'd be thrilled with that. As long as everyone who wants one would get one (or two!) My heart breaks for those that can't even have one.

4) Pill pushing doctors. Hopefully this is self explanatory.

5) People that don't understand how their own body works. Or...those that don't need to.

6) Blocked tubes.

7) Crappy infertility insurance coverage. Boo hiss!

I love things such as.....

1) Having one of the world's most supportive husbands. I don't need to elaborate, I can't convey it in words.

2) Having two of the world's most supportive families, including extended families.

3) Getting crosshairs in Fertility Friend. For some reason, it brings so much gosh darn satisfaction!

4) Those who appreciate how lucky they are and how good they have it.

That's about all I can think of, and isn't that sad?

Anyway, update on me is that I'm 4DPO and my right boob hurts like a mo fo. Don't ask me what's up with that. I think the husband will be out of town this next cycle, so we're praying and hoping for a miracle. They happen to people every day....why can't one happen to me? This one?

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parent to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic...against all experience...like children....we never give up hope." -Grey's Anatomy