Ultrasound Results

Yesterday, I had my very first pregnancy ultrasound! There is a sac in the uterus, not in my tube!! I was beyond thrilled. My beta level rose to 7930 as well.

I was a little nervous when they didn't use the vag cam, but I guess we were just looking for a sac and weren't trying to date anything or see a heartbeat, they felt that the "normal" gizmo would work. I was surprised that it did, but the tech spotted the sac right away, right where it should be.

The one unsettling thing is that the sac was only measuring 4 and a half weeks. Based on my LMP, I thought I was more close to 5 and a half weeks. So great, they think I'm due a week later than what I thought, so maybe another week of 1st Tri! I guess I shouldn't worry about it if my levels are rising normally. At least, I try not to. I hope that maybe its just so small and they didn't get a good enough reading because they didn't use the vag cam. The ultrasound doctor wants to see me back August 12 to try to date the pregnancy then. It's a little frustrating to not have a due date, but I just hope the little one is growing and growing as well as can be expected. I don't think its possible that I didn't ovulate until the 10-15th, I just don't.

They want me to have another beta in the morning before we leave for Roatan on Sunday just for added reassurance. I've been a little nervous about the trip, but now that I know I shouldn't have a bursting tube, I've been feeling a lot better. I'm also nervous that because they wanted another beta, that they feel something might be wrong and aren't telling me. I would hope they'd prepare me for the worst. I've never known anyone to get four betas before. Maybe they are just taking me seriously like I wanted them to when I first called about the BFP.

I feel like time is crawling. I'm trying not to be stressed and trying to think very positive thoughts. I just want to be sure that this is going to be our miracle that we've waited for--I never imagined it would be so nervewracking. My symptoms seem to come and go. I get nauseous from time to time, things don't taste like I think they should, but no real morning sickness or food aversions yet. My boobs are extremely sore and I still have heartburn, so I'm going to celebrate that things still seem fine. :-) And the peeing! It's like my bladder shrank in the past week. It's possibly because that I'm so thirsty I'm drinking so much water, but man, that came on immediately.

I don't care. I'll take it. I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise, but I hope this little baby is nice and comfy in there. So far, so good!

(Gosh it seems so surreal to say. I don't know that its sunk in yet. It's starting to, but still sounds crazy.)

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.-- Orison Marden.

5 Weeks

So far (knock on wood), I feel pretty good. I had a spell of nausea this morning, but it went away after lunch. The worst thing today was the bloating. I didn't feel this "chubby" on Saturday, but man did it come in today. I've been battling headaches most of all. It's probably from caffiene withdrawals. They aren't bad and since I can still function, I don't really want to take anything. I can tough it out. And yes, I know a little caffiene here and there is ok. I allow myself one soda a day. I'm not a coffee drinker, so Coke/Pepsi are my vices. This morning, I didn't finish the can as I was nauseous and it wasn't sitting right.

The cramping is going away, I hope that's just normal and maybe the ute made enough room for now. I'm so scarred from this whole infertile experience that I want every symptom possible, but then I wonder if every twinge or borderline pain is normal. Thankfully the sharp pains do come and go and really are few and far between. I try to tell myself the nausea is a good sign; that this is "real", but it still worried me a bit because that's what I feel on CD1 usually....when I'm definitely NOT pregnant. I just want to be out of the 1st Trimester and I just want to know that everything is progressing normally and as well as can be expected with the baby. This is scary stuff.

Wednesday can't come soon enough. I really hope we can see the sac and give me peace of mind before we go to Roatan that its in the right spot. Justin and I have both had dreams that we can clearly see a sac in the uterus, so I really hope our inclinations are right.

Anyway, 90% of our family and friends already know. Justin's so excited that he can't contain himself. I don't blame him, we've waited 2 years for this, it's hard not to scream it from the rooftops. I'm much more cautious though and I hate that I probably come across to some people as not very excited. I'm just praying that you knowing doesn't jinx anything. Everyone has been thrilled and acted so happy and so supportive, it makes me feel so grateful for them and on the other hand feel so bad and guilty that because of my sadness, I probably was pretty distant at times. Everyone wants updates and promises to pray for good outcomes and hey, the extra prayers never hurt anyone, right? Besides, I'm sure people would find out next week while in Roatan as it would hard to hide it for a week. I know I'd be hit from every angle. "Jen, why aren't you going scuba diving? You were so excited about it last week." "Jen, don't you want a pina colada?" "Jen, don't you want some rum?" Yeah. It would be tough to cover up. Anyway, I hope that the only news we give people is more great news from here on out!

Here's a shot from today. Like I said, I wasn't bloated like this a couple days ago! It's crazy how things change already.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore

I might just believe in miracles!

Well, as most of you probably know.....I saw this on Tuesday night. CD 30 of Cycle #29.

I was floored. I dipped the test in the cup, washed my hands, went to the bedroom to grab my phone and note the time. I was going to wait the full 3 minutes as the directions state, but I thought I'd see yet another plain old single line on the test so I figured a peek wouldn't hurt.

I peeked....and there were two lines there right away...and a very dark test line. I started shaking and couldn't breathe so I had to sit down. I called Justin because he was conveniently in Houston to let him know.

Me: "Holy sh!t....there are two lines."

Him: "Is that good?"

Me: ::face palm:: "Yes it's good. I'm pregnant."

Him: "OMG that's amazing!!"

I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I was so shaken up...in a good way of course.

Let's back up a bit now. Last week, I thought was like any other PMS-y week. I was tired, grumpy, crampy, and had started spotting as usual. I spotted a bit on Wednesday and a bit on Thursday, but then it stopped and completely went away. I noticed that was odd. I expected AF to arrive on Saturday since my last couple cycles had been 26 days...that would have been CD26. Well, Saturday came and went with only cramps, nothing else. Odd. Usually cramping is accompanied by spotting for me....but I've so given up on the whole TTC thing that I didn't even consider the alternative. I just assumed AF was just messing with me at a nice convenient time, especially since we were leaving for Roatan in two weeks and I wanted her out before Justin's birthday this Friday. Sunday....nothing. Monday....nothing. I joked with Justin that maybe I was pregnant. Tuesday....I felt like AF was arriving at any second all day. I kept going to the bathroom....nothing. I thought it wouldn't hurt to pick up a test....Justin was asking me to anyway. He was a POAS pusher all evening via text...I kept putting it off because I figured it would just be negative, again.

Well, it wasn't. I never in a million years imagined this would happen without any help. Of course, I'm freaked out that its made itself cozy up in my good tube. If what the RE was saying is true, I can't believe it might be in the right spot. It will be a miracle if it is, but I already think that its a miracle there's something going on in my ute after 29 cycles.

I went for b/w Wednesday morning, my progesterone was 30 (which they said was super) and my beta was 543. I broached the ectopic subject with the nurse I spoke to and she blew me off a bit, which I didn't appreciate.

Yesterday I made the mistake of googling ectopic pregnancies and that was a really bad idea. I ended up freaking myself out. Two of the four major risk factors are endometriosis and tubal issues (blocked, damaged, misshapen, etc.) They did say that a pretty telling sign would be the beta not doubling, and the progesterone would be a lot lower. I think only 13% of pregnancies with a progesterone level of over 25 turn out to be ectopic. So there are good things going for me, but some bad things too.

We've had a vacation planned to Roatan for months now and there is not an emergency room on the island. I don't need my good tube to burst while I'm there. This wasn't the best time for me to get knocked up, but I don't even care. I'll take it.

Today, I went in for my second beta and turns out it didn't double, it tripled in 48 hours! It was 1699. Even I was impressed. I was just shooting for 1000. That makes me feel a lot better with the strong showing of the levels and can breathe a little bit more. The nurse I spoke to today was fabulous and was concerned about my concerns so she got me another beta for next Wednesday and got me in for an early ultrasound to try to rule out an e/p. If I can clear this massive hurdle, I swear I will settle down and breathe and try to enjoy this.

I couldn't even tell you when I ovulated, that's how much I had given up. Usually I've at least been monitoring my CM to get a general idea of when I O'd. I thought I ovulated prior to 4th of July weekend, however it could have been after. I definitely couldn't tell you when we conceived either! Not a clue.

I hate to beg, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that the little one is in the right spot. I desperately want this so bad, I don't know when we might get another chance.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

I am in Infertile Hell

I can't take it anymore.

I'm about to start to hyperventilate...which is demonstrative of how bad I can't take it anymore. Or seriously about to just up and leave work.

2 of my coworker's wives are/were pg. Baby #1 was born 4 weeks ago tomorrow (I won the baby pool we had here), baby #2 is coming any day now. Hopefully next Thursday, but that's beside the point. (Although, how ironic would it be for the infertile to win both baby pools?)

Well, said coworker's know about 11 other people that were due right around now and I sit outside one of their offices (down the hall from the other, which is just like sitting right outside because he's loud) and hear all the baby conversations. Its not only chatting with their new parent/about-to-be-new parent buddies, but coworker #1 talks about the baby and coworker #2 talks about the baby they are about to have to our business associates too. Out of all these baby conversations, I've heard them mention IF treatments very vaguely in reference to only one couple out of the bazillion others. I can tell they obviously don't know much about IF and it takes every bone in my body to not open my mouth and correct them.

I must hear about 5-6 HOURS worth of baby conversations in a given day lately--between people here in the office and them talking to other people on the phone. Today, both cw AND his wife sent me baby pictures.

I feel like I've really been such a trooper about the whole ordeal the past couple months but with the excitement a new baby AND a labor watch going this week, I really can't handle it. If this doesn't die down soon, I'm going to need to be committed...straightjacket and all. My method of coping has been to pretend to just not be interested in babies, which has of course has me coming across as a bit of a baby-hater. If they only knew that the real reason is I'm uninterested is because that its KILLING me. I'm seriously on the verge of tears typing this.

I need some distractions to keep me busy until August. I also think I need to somehow devise a way to work from home until then. :-(

I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people . -Grey's Anatomy

We have a plan!

First of all, I wish this blog was more exciting. I wish I could entertain the 4 or 5 of you that might actually read this with belly pics or ultrasound photos or pictures of the nursery. Sorry!

Alright, the plan that Justin and I agreed upon.....

We're going to Roatan the first week of April. As soon as we get back (and as soon as we can get it scheduled), I'll have a lap to fix my tube. We will do ONE "Hail Mary" cycle, unless the RE is convinced he did the trick. Then we are moving on to whatever Dr. V thinks can work, short of IVF for now.

Hey, at least its a plan right?

After some arguing and some pondering, that is what we agreed upon. This way, I should be able to scuba dive in Roatan, which long story, is the only reason I care to go at this point. I'm so excited to finally have a opportunity to move forward. It looks like Justin and I will both keep our jobs and make it through this shitstorm that is the economy. ::knocks on wood:: I now need to be distracted for the next 4 months.

I've been training for a 5K, so I have something to work towards and to focus on, rather than my misery. I don't have one in mind, but I figure I'll get comfortable with the distance and when one comes up, I'll sign up. :-)

My quote for this entry is a little random, but the reason it came to mind is because I actually have this old school song on my "Workout" playlist. I downloaded a lot of '90s rap to run to because it gets me going. It brings back memories of working out in high school, back when I could actually kick some ass, and brings back just happy memories...when things were simple and I thought I knew it all. I heard this today and it made me chuckle, I think that maybe 2pac did have an excellent point. Haha!

"There's gonna be some stuff you gonna see that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit." --2pac, Smile

I can't believe I've been neglecting this

I apologize.

I just wanted to say that we were a "Featured Couple" on TheBump.com last week.

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/ttc_stories/archive/2009/04/08/jennifer-l-923-s-ttc-story.aspx

We were chosen because we're awesome. Seriously though, I'm not sure why.

I need to get better about blogging.

There's not much new with me other than I did discover that our insurance will cover the lap to fix my tube!!! YAY!!!

The only thing holding me back though is this economy. I'm still nervous about my job and the state of things. I work in real estate finance....what two sectors have been hit pretty damn hard? Yeah, real estate and finance. :-(

Today though as I was leaving, my boss actually seemed enthused and encouraged that things are going to start to turn up here soon. That is fantastic! Not only did I have to take a pay cut off of my salary, which is worth it to simply keep my job, but because transaction bonuses make up about 50% of my total package and we've been dead--my income has taken a hit. We've made some cuts and have been really good about socking money away and paying down our debt....just in case.

I sure hope things do turn around. I'd feel better about my job, I'd feel better about having my surgery and moving forward!

Worst Blogger Ever!

That's me!

I haven't been blogging, even though I really need to. I've been dealing with lots of things in my head, when I really should be writing about them to get them OUT of my head.

The husband and I have been having a really rough time lately and it has been mostly my fault. I feel awful about it. I 'm in this miserable depressed funk inside and outside I can fake it for only so long before the facade crumbles. I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that we might not have children for awhile...regardless of whether we choose to move forward with treatments or choose to go the adoption route.

I don't think that people understand how this makes a person feel. Scratch that, I KNOW that people don't understand. It sure looks simple from the outside, but now in the throes of IF, I realize that it's not black and white anymore.

I don't wish infertility on anyone, I would never want someone to go through wanting something so badly and not being physically able for it to happen. What I wish for is a little more understanding, rather than implying that we who suffer from IF are raging lunatics. (I'll admit, I have my moments!) Other than a long line of expletives I could choose to shout, I don't think those people will ever see my side. In fact, I hope you don't ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I think we feel bad enough as it is that we can't help but feel a little less than 100% overjoyed when someone else announces that they are pregnant. I would give anything to change that! You know what sister, it doesn't happen overnight. Why can't I have the right to feel a twinge of jealousy? Why can't I have the right to wonder "When's it my turn?"? Why can't I have the right to wonder why x, y, and/or z hasn't worked for me? None of those take away in my mind from the joy I do truly feel about some one's announcement--I'm glad that they get what they wanted. If the roles were reversed, I would EXPECT them to feel the same pangs and twinges and have those same thoughts. What most people won't understand is that you aren't necessarily grieving for what you don't have....you're sad about what may never be.

The dichotomy of these feelings are confusing - the fact that you can be happy for someone yet sad for yourself at the same time. It's possible and I know that it's not something that qualifies me for a "crazy" label. I have a laundry list of other issues that just may certainly make me a contender, but not this.

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
- Voltaire