I've been tagged!

PMarie tagged me. Shame on you. ;-) You'll now be spanked. And you'll have to like it.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:
1. I hate bananas.
2. I love chocolate chip cookies.
3. I'm somewhat terrified of flying.
4. I sleep with pit bulls and I like it. (Don't think anything dirty...that's gross!)
5. I love the Twilight series and feel like the biggest dork.
6. I'm not listening to the conference call I should be listening to right now.

Tagging:
Joyco
TXAggieBride06
LeahB
Chrys
Adkins
MrsMayT

Breakdown

I had a major "Category 5" breakdown the other night. It was one of those long overdue breakdowns....where you just can't hold it in anymore.

I was trying to get what I could (if you know what I mean) since DH was going out of town on his boys trip over the weekend. I couldn't get in the mood, I was ridiculously on edge and already about to crack from the pressure. Midway through, I lost it. I just started bawling--ugly, ugly, ugly tears. I'm so frustrated with forcing sex, with not enjoying it because we've had it for five straight days and I'm tired. For 16 cycles, I feel like we've been trying so hard and in vain. I'm exhausted because I feel like every month is a failure.

I feel like such a putz, I shouldn't complain about having sex with my husband--whom I love and adore. And I'm fine other times of the month! It's just around ovulation time that I just can't let myself enjoy it. I think that my brain has made this awful correlation between sex and disappointment. DH was so good about it. He usually just gets very uncomfortable when I have a ridiculously random outburst, but he put his arms around me and just listened.

As I talked through everything that was wrong, I realized that I just need to let go. I'm putting so much pressure on me and on us. I was angry because there is no way that we can afford to take the next recommended step -- surgery and then maybe --IVF. All our money is tied up in investments that we can't cash out of. I was angry because our insurance won't cover it for us. I'm angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm angry because I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I was angry because its not fair. I was angry because I wouldn't have gotten a new tattoo had I been knocked up right now! (I'll get to that later) I need to let go. I need to trust that this will all work out the way it should.

If you stalk my shitty chart, I regret to inform you that I am putting the thermometer away. I want to put the CBEFM away, but you may need to pry that little gizmo out of my cold dead hands. Since I ovulate all over the place, my LP has been pretty consistent since the surgery so it would be nice to have a general idea of when my period will arrive. The CBEFM only gets used for at most 10 days out of the month. However, it probably will not be used to time sex. Timing isn't the problem...I am convinced now after 6 months of the most perfect timing ever. We're just going to go with the flow. If we want to, we will, if we don't, no pressure. I need a break to save my sanity.

So there you go....until further notice, we are on a TTC break. I need to breathe. Of course we're going to continue to "try", just not so hard. We're going to Vegas to see some family at the end of the month and then we're going to Mexico for our anniversary. I'm very excited for both those trips, I know they will be good for me. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging. ::wink::

"When we come to the edge of all that we know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure: either God will provide something to stand on or we will be taught how to fly."

Sunday Service

I was raised Catholic, I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until my junior year of college, when i transferred from a private Catholic university to a public university in my home state. That's about 15 years of Catholic School!! I've been bombarded and inundated with their belief system and you can imagine that cramming that down one's throat can cause a lot of internal conflict some of the time.

Anyway, today we went to mass as usual and were ecstatic to see that our favorite priest of the time being was going to performing mass. He's definitely younger, and you can tell in his messages. He says a lot of things that the "traditional" Catholic Church probably wouldn't love. His homily had three wonderful messages that I just needed to hear today. I think that someone was trying to tell me something, and I think I heard loud and clear.

Today's topic was about the Kingdom of Heaven and how you need to open your heart and your mind to see it all around you. I won't bore you with all the details, but here are the three things that stood out to me:

1) You could go to church every day and just "go through the motions" but its not going to put you any further ahead. You have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to open your heart. (I've believed this for YEARS, but no one has ever confirmed my thoughts.) He said, sure, going through the rituals is a nice start to open your relationship with God, but it shouldn't be all there is to it.

2) God is not a vending machine. God isn't going to up and give you what you want, just because you ask for it. He doesn't give you things. He's not going to give you the car you want, your dream job, he's not going to magically drop a husband/wife into your lap, nor a child. (This confirmed my inkling that God doesn't care what happens in specific uteri.)

3) God wants us to be happy. (You don't know how comforting that was to me.)

I trust with all my heart that God does want me to be happy.

I know that most people who haven't been through IF don't understand how much some little offhand comments about receiving a "gift" from God or being "blessed" can sting. Is God looking down at our houses saying "Sorry, ask again later." like Magic 8 Ball? I believe that God doesn't get involved in deciding who gets pregnant and who doesn't. No one is more blessed or deserves it more than the next person in God's eyes. It's all relative.

"I asked for strength...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom...and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity...and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage...and God gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for patience...and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love...and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors...and God gave me opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, he gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. My prayer has been answered."

Disclaimer

If you're reading this....it's *probably* not you who I'm venting about below. Just to avoid any paranoia, I thought I'd better say that.

I hate things such as....

1) Being an attention whore and forcing everyone to wonder when you're going to pee on something aka (POAS Watch). Seriously. We don't need the drama leading up to your positive or negative pregnancy test. Pee on something. THEN tell us what the result is. 9 times out of 10, if you're asking IF you should test, you're probably itching to test anyway, regardless of any input. Ooohh or baiting with a symptom, such as being tired, peeing a lot, being nauseous (hey welcome to my world). So just test. Get it over with. THEN tell people. I'll admit, when people ask, I sometimes have encouraged them to test--after glancing at their charts and comparing them to previous cycles. But sometimes I've also suggested that they should wait. What's funny is people get very irritated when you try to talk some sense into them! I don't mind BFP announcements, when I see one from someone I "know", I'll be happy to offer congratulations. I'm very happy for them. POAS Watches to me are equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. And please please please don't post pictures of your pee stick. Yuck.

2) I hate that AF symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are *so* similar. I wish there was some magic light outside your uterus that would go off the moment of implantation that would just definitively tell you--without having to think about it....without having to go days more of wondering.

3) I hate that there is such a thing as infertility. I hate that TTC can't be a level playing field. I hate that having no trouble getting pregnant once doesn't mean that it can be so easy again. I am fine with having a range, saying everyone should conceive in 1-12 months. That would be fine. Understandably, some people would get knocked up right off the bat and that it would take others some time....I'd be thrilled with that. As long as everyone who wants one would get one (or two!) My heart breaks for those that can't even have one.

4) Pill pushing doctors. Hopefully this is self explanatory.

5) People that don't understand how their own body works. Or...those that don't need to.

6) Blocked tubes.

7) Crappy infertility insurance coverage. Boo hiss!

I love things such as.....

1) Having one of the world's most supportive husbands. I don't need to elaborate, I can't convey it in words.

2) Having two of the world's most supportive families, including extended families.

3) Getting crosshairs in Fertility Friend. For some reason, it brings so much gosh darn satisfaction!

4) Those who appreciate how lucky they are and how good they have it.

That's about all I can think of, and isn't that sad?

Anyway, update on me is that I'm 4DPO and my right boob hurts like a mo fo. Don't ask me what's up with that. I think the husband will be out of town this next cycle, so we're praying and hoping for a miracle. They happen to people every day....why can't one happen to me? This one?

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parent to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic...against all experience...like children....we never give up hope." -Grey's Anatomy

Sixteen

My chart taunted me earlier this month. And I should have known better....and I let it get my hopes up. My temps were higher than usual...and then they dipped. Monday, the day that stupid Fertility Friend wanted me to test, my temp spiked again! I totally actually for a few minutes thought, "Holy shit...this could be it!" So I tested and of course, "big fat holy hell no way are you pregnant" is what the test said to me. But then again, I expected it. So I went another 2 days past my usual LP...which is good news I guess, but still....big FAIL for cycle 15.

I started cycle 16 today and am hating being a woman. I felt so nauseous this morning that I called in sick to work. I have never called in sick for "lady troubles" but I couldn't force myself in. Part of it was probably mental and just the frustration of the past week had built up and just crushed me again. I was all ready to go, took the dogs potty, put them upstairs in their crates, and then started sweating like I was about to lose my cookies and started dry heaving. This is pretty miserable. The only thing that makes me feel better (other than crying) is eating...which in the long run...isn't good when you're trying to lose 10 pounds!

Today I'm sad, I'm sad not only for myself but everyone who is subjected to TTC-ing too long. It's not fair. There are some wonderful, wonderful women going through this and I know they will be amazing mothers. Yet there are women, girls sometimes, getting knocked up everyday that aren't ready for this, that won't make half as great mothers as some of these women. You can't help but question why this is. I'm so grateful (pretty sure my husband is too because I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about it all the time) that I've found a great support group from some women on the Nest. They get it. They know the same hurt, the same sadness, the same things I think day in and day out. I hope someday we all end up at the same place because there must be a reason we all are walking down the same road.

Speaking of going places together, we did all end up going to DisneyLand together...at least in spirit...thanks to Chrys! She put this on a shirt and rocked it for a picture there with our favorite Disney character, Ariel.

The only big news I have is that we are going to Mexico for our 2nd Anniversary in September! I'm super excited and its nice to finally have something to look forward too. :-)

I'm really going to try to get better at blogging. Really.

"When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones-- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up. As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don't lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end. Just keep your faith."

Sex and the City = Insensitive! (Spoiler)

Overall, I'd say the movie was GREAT! I'll bar any "big" spoilers for you (no pun intended). I'd give the movie a solid B+. It would have scored an "A" in my book except for a comment/comments Charlotte made. I honestly cannot believe that SOMEONE didn't catch this and maybe change it up a bit or cut it out completely. It seems very insensitive of everyone and anyone involved with the whole production to me.

Anyone who has dealt with IF or any T-TTC would understand. There really must have not been ANYONE who had been through that working on the movie. I hate that it portrayed this urban legend that when you "relax" everything just magically happens. That's bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I relaxed for about six months early on, we weren't even "trying". By that logic, I totally should have been knocked up long ago.

She throws out the relax comment and she says, "My doctor says that she knows a lot of people that his has happened to! After they stop thinking about it and adopt, they get pregnant." Ugh. I can't believe they went there.

Oooohhhh it jaded me for the rest of the movie. I had read about it beforehand though, so I was just waiting for it. And yup, absofuckinglutely pissed me off.

Bottom line, though, don't let it stop you from seeing it if you already hadn't! It was still as funny and as witty as ever.

A happy SATC quote: "We had each other and then we had you, and then we had everything. Love Mommy and Daddy." -From Season 4, Trey's inscription on the Tiffany silver rattle he ordered for Charlotte/their prospective baby