Waiting on the Baby Carriage

Bennett Miles

2011-09-14T17:35:00.008-05:00

Here's my little boy:

Brand new!!

So far, baby brother is a hit.

My mom and sister probably have better pics on their camera, I haven't been too focused on taking pictures. :-/ I need them to send me theirs!

Bennett's Nursery

2011-09-14T17:13:00.003-05:00

It's not done yet....still a work in progress, but here's how it is coming:

The art is from Pottery Barn Kids--the "Surf Plaques" for 2011. The bucket comes from PBK as well. We bought the oar at Academy and Justin painted it similar to the one PBK had.

The blocks came from Etsy seller OhMyButtonsAndBows and they match Bennett's bedding - the Jackson sheets from PBK.

The shark mobile came from PBK as did the stuffed shark on the dresser. The life preserver came from Hobby Lobby, but I think I need to keep my eyes peeled for a bigger one if it's going to stay in that location. The wire shark came from PB Teen and it is AWESOME. It's my favorite part of the room.

All the furniture is the Peyton line from Bonavita. It's the same set that Savannah has, just in a different color. I thought if we need to switch out someday due to decor or something, it would not be a big deal.

Bennett's Birth Story

2011-09-13T17:16:00.004-05:00

Bennett Miles arrived August 28, 2011 at 11:25 am. He weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce and was 20 and ¾ inches long. Here is the story of his arrival:

At my 37 week appointment, I was giddy with excitement. I was 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced (from 20% the week before), and baby had dropped to a 2 station (from a 3). He was measuring 7 lbs, 4 oz. I asked the doctor to look into his crystal ball about when the baby would be coming and he said it was probably only a 50/50 chance he’d arrive that week, but said there is probably a 90% chance we wouldn’t make it to 39 weeks—which was August 28^th. In that case, he said bring on the vbac, things were looking VERY favorable. He had been a little iffy up to that point on encouraging me to go for the vbac, so that was the first time he was cheering me on.

The following week, at my 38 week appointment on August 23^rd, the doctor declared that I was almost 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. He thought I would be going into labor in the next day or so. That was fantastic news—I could have him on the 24^th and both my kids would have birthdays on the 24^th—Savannah in March, Bennett in August. He thought I was pretty much almost as far as I can be before its impossible to not be in active labor. Baby Bennett was actually measuring right at 8 lbs, 1 oz, but the nurse thought that was probably overestimating since his tummy seemed full and that was throwing the measurements off. The exam made me bleed so they hooked me up to do an NST and everything looked good, I was having some little contractions and was praying they would materialize into something more. I almost didn’t go into work since he made it seem like I’d be going into labor at any minute. If I was still pregnant on Friday, they wanted me back to do another check and NST before the weekend.

That night, I started having some serious contractions that were coming anywhere from 2 to 8 minutes apart, and then…..they just fizzled out and stopped. Talk about disappointed!

Wednesday came and went. Thursday came and went. Everyone at my office was shocked I kept showing up every morning based on my “diagnosis”. Friday came and back I went to the doctor.

Friday is one of his surgery days so I saw one of his nurse practitioners. She put me at 5 cm dilated, extremely thin cervix, and said she could feel the baby’s head. She asked, “How are you still pregnant?” I laughed…and felt like a freak. “Shouldn’t you explain that to me?” The NST was fine, but I had no contractions during it. Her guess was again, any minute now, but I wasn’t too hopefully, the doctor had said that on Tuesday! She instructed me to go home and lie down. I asked, “Shouldn’t you tell me to go walk or something? She said, “No, you’re so far along already you don’t need to try.”

(Being August and hot as hell, I couldn’t go for a walk outside because it would be miserable and I might die. We tried a couple times earlier in the month and I swore those off.)

Saturday came and went, I had been having contractions off and on all day. We went to eat buffalo wings—the goal was to chase him out with spicy food, it had seemed to be semi-working since I’d been going for wings pretty much weekly and was making good progress. My brother and sister-in-law had come to visit Savannah and us anyway. They had hoped to meet Bennett too, but that chance was looking slimmer and slimmer—to me anyway!

Saturday night, I was really tired—nothing new though, I was permanently exhausted this pregnancy. I decided to go to bed and “sleep while I can” instead of staying up with everyone to watch a movie. I thought it was only wishful thinking, but I guess something told my brain that was a good idea.

Sunday morning, I woke up around 3:30 am with contractions, not sure if the first one was what woke me up or if I had been having them for a while. Somehow after the first three, I knew it was probably go time. I started timing them, they were coming every 3-6 minutes and regardless of the side I laid on or standing up. I went to put my contacts in and brush my teeth. I woke Justin up at 4:40 am, by saying, “Honey, I think I’m in labor and I’m calling the doctor in ten minutes, but you should get up and start moving because we probably need to head to the hospital.” Of course, it took him a good minute to process all this, but then he got moving and dealt with the dogs while I finished packing up some things. I called the after hours line and the on call doc, whom I had never met, called me back right away. He said to "just come in in the next hour or so to see". Um, I’ve been walking around at least 5 cm dilated since Friday afternoon, I’ll come now. Besides, it would take a good twenty minutes to get there and my contractions were getting pretty intense. I was worried that I’d have a super fast labor. I know those stories about the unintentional home births or car births are not the norm, but seriously, I’m not emotionally prepared for that kind of thing.

I probably should have gone ahead and eaten some toast or something, but I elected to forego that little luxury. I wanted to go kiss Savannah, but I didn’t want to wake her up of course. I blew a kiss to her on the monitor, told her I loved her, and apologized for taking her “only child” status away that day. I was glad my brother and sister-in-law were there—perfect timing—because we didn’t have to take her with us to meet Justin’s parents at the hospital or wait for them to get to our house. I would have been FREAKING my freak.

My water had not broken yet, so as Justin was throwing our stuff in the truck, I asked him to grab some towels. I was shocked when he said, “Why?” Because my water hasn’t broken yet and we need the towels, just in case! “Oh. Good call.” Men.

We got to the hospital at 5:30 am. Contractions were getting very intense and coming quickly; and seriously, I was ready for the epidural. :-/. The nurse checked me; decided I was about 6.5 cm and having real contractions. They got a room ready, admitted me, and wheeled me over to my L&D room-- #7. I was hoping that was a good sign.

They asked me if I had a birth plan, and really, I did not. I said, “The only plan is to get this baby out safely and preferably-vaginally.”

At this point, I was so ridiculously uncomfortable -I was really rethinking the vbac plan. I was contracting hard while trying to initial the twenty lines on the vbac consent form I had to sign and almost chickened out due to the pain. I just didn't want to go through a hard day of labor and still end up with a c/s—like what had happened with Savannah. If I opted to go with a c/s, I'd have a baby by noon and could take it “easy” the rest of the day.

I decided to plow ahead, I had been hoping I’d go into labor on my own and I was getting what I wished for. We had to wait for my labs to come back and get through a bag and a half of fluids to get the epidural. I was having back labor and freaking that he was OP like his sister was. Justin ended up rubbing my back for an hour straight as the contractions were just coming and coming, but after getting the epidural at 7:30 and it kicking in by 8 am or so, I was feeling better. Muuuuch better. I declared that I wanted to marry the epidural. Poor Justin. ;-)

They checked me again and I was at 7 cm. I was pretty disappointed that those tough contractions hadn't done much more than that. The doctor who would be delivering Bennett came in at 8:30 and declared I was at a 9 and probably start pushing in half an hour. “OMG! I had hoped to get a nap in, I'd been up since 3:30 am!!!” Of course I was disappointed my OB wouldn’t be delivering me, but this guy seemed very nice and I was happy he didn’t question the vbac attempt. I had heard another doctor in this practice had given another patient a hard time about attempting a vbac, so I was a little worried about it.

At this point, I had a foot in my lungs and could feel that for sure. Below belly button, no feeling. Above belly button, ouch, ouch, ouch. I think Bennett was trying to get some leverage to push his way out. I put on some Zac Brown Band tunes to relax and lay on my sides—switching every 15 minutes or so. My L&D nurse, Sarah, was a freaking godsend. I don't think I could have done it without her. I was trying to zone out, get ready to do what I wanted, and was trying to put off the inevitable. Sarah convinced me to let her check me at about 9:40 and said it was go time. The doctor came in to give me a pep talk and I started pushing. He warned me he didn't want me pushing too long.

The first half hour of pushing was pretty worthless, I was too numb still, but about 10:30 things stared working out a lot better and I started making progress. Sarah put the oxygen mask on me and instead of freaking out like I did with Savannah, I took it in stride. For me, the pushing was tough in all honesty, and Sarah went to bat for me when the doctor came in to see how things were going. She insisted I was making enough progress and I was going to do it and he ended up agreeing. He did caution that they might need to use the vacuum at which I tried not to flip out about. Sarah was an amazing coach and so was Justin and soon enough, I could feel Bennett crowning. She asked if I wanted to see, but I declined. No need to see my lady bits about to be torn to shreds. Thankfully, the epidural was still holding good so I didn’t feel the “ring of fire” but the pressure was intense! Sarah called doctor and he came in, as did all the other necessary peeps, and I was like holy effing shit I've got this—this is really going to happen. It was very odd with my feet up in the stirrups and spread eagle for the world to see, but I guess this is childbirth for you! Pushed once, head was out, pushed again and then, the most relief I've ever felt in my life was happening and there was a baby placed on my stomach!!

I started bawling tears of joy, so much different from the tears I cried when they pulled S out through my stomach. It had to be the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. Justin started crying too. They cleaned him off and whisked him over to the baby warmer get all his stats. At this point, I noticed the doctor sewing me up. “Did I tear?” I asked cautiously. He said, “Oh no, I made a very tiny cut so you wouldn’t.” I probably would have cared any other time, but in the moment, I didn’t. I’m the silly one without the birth plan, remember? J Everyone thought I was a rockstar, I know I felt like one, and even the doctor himself said he hadn't had a successful vbac like this in awhile. I’m very glad he kept that little tidbit of information to himself until then.

I high fived Justin. I was incredibly proud of myself. They brought Bennett back over and left us alone so we could breastfeed and bond. He latched on right away and has been a boob man ever since. Justin went and got Savannah from the waiting room and introduced the two of them. After about 45 minutes, they took him to the nursery. They kept the monitoring devices on me and turns out my pulse was racing for quite awhile afterwards. It was hovering around 110, but shooting up into the 120s/130s quite frequently and even getting as high as 150. I thought it was just adrenaline, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. They decided to keep me in L&D and took my blood to see if I was having any problems. My blood work came back perfectly normal, so they thought it was safe to get me cleaned up and help me to the bathroom. After all, it had been about two hours and I’d been able to feel my legs and move them completely for the past hour or so.

Well, that didn’t go so well. As soon as I got stood up, I felt dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed for about three minutes. I was feeling better, so Justin and a new nurse helped me to the bathroom. I thought that was going well, but after sitting on the toilet, I ended up passing out. Justin said I started shaking as well and he was worried I was having a seizure or something. I came to with the nurse waving gauze soaked in rubbing alcohol under my nose and two other nurses in the tiny bathroom with the three of us. They got me in the wheelchair and took me back to bed. I instantly felt better, I felt like I had gotten a power nap in! Regardless, they hooked me back up to all the monitors—pulse and blood pressure—and left me again.

They did let my family come in and that was nice, but it was pushing three hours since I had seen Bennett. His bath and tests obviously should be done by then! I asked a few times and was finally told it was “policy” that they couldn’t bring him to me. What? I guess I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Finally, after pleading my case and insisting there were multiple people there to hold him and I would not until I was cleared—they brought him back.

Finally, my pulse started to level out in the high 90s, and I made it to the bathroom with some help—and no fainting--and they discharged us to my postpartum room—at 7 pm that night. The worst pain I was in was due to the awesome hemorrhoids that cropped up more so than anything else. There was nothing else that a few ice packs couldn’t fix.

The following day, I felt amazing. I cannot stress or put in to any other words how great I felt, especially in comparison to the c/s last time. It was so nice to be literally bouncing around the room and be self-sufficient. Last time, poor Justin had to take care of both Savannah and I for the first couple days and this time, I know he was relieved that I felt so good. Anyway, this time my nurses were all fantastic, I have no complaints about them.

I was scared of a vbac pretty much the entire pregnancy, but once I did my homework; I was glad it was an option. Of course now, I do not regret my decision one bit---it’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My entire experience was night and day from round one. If childbirth were guaranteed to be as amazing and as relatively uncomplicated always, I'd pop out 15 more. ;-)

I'll post nursery photos and baby photos as soon as I can, hopefully tomorrow!

Rough Couple of Weeks

2010-09-02T20:23:00.001-05:00

Before I get into all the negatives, Savannah has been awesome. No complaints with her.

She's sleeping through the night every night, we've got her on a semi decent schedule. She's laughing, babbling, squawking, and giggling. We had her baptized last weekend and the deacon asked if she was always that good. We said "Yes and we know we are lucky!". She laughed as he poured water on her head. I've never had another baby but if they all were this incredible I'd sign up to have ten more! Fortunately to save my ute from the trouble, my brain and gut scream that they aren't all like this. Good thing that I have planned to just enjoy her for awhile. She's growing so fast and I'm trying to savor every second.

We started cereal last weekend and she hasn't seemed to be a big fan. The rice cereal seemed to make her gassy and she doesn't seem to like the taste of the oatmeal as much. I think that once her highchair arrives (scheduled for tomorrow), we are going to jump on over to veggies and see how that goes.

Now, time for complaints! Two weekends ago, I got an extremely painful clogged duct. It was clogged for a few hours and it absolutely killed my supply. I had to try and squeeze in extra pump sessions at work. Thankfully my boss was gone and wasn't hounding me every fifteen minutes. Monday I was getting maybe 2 ounces out of normally 5-6 ounce sessions. I was freaking out and hoping it wasn't permanent. No need for all the tears, my supply was back up by the end of week.

The next week rolls around and lo and behold, I cannot get a letdown to save my life during my middle of the night pump. I try for 45+ minutes two nights in a row and nothing. Barely get an ounce. I end up grabbing S to feed her for fear of getting another plugged duct. What is strange is that I could pump at work just fine. It was extremely frustrating. I found my trick after a few nights, I went down a size of flanges and finally ended up taking only fifteen minutes to get a let down. That night I pumped out ten ounces. I felt like old Jen again! Ever since I had dropped the middle of the night pump and picked it back up again, I wasn't getting that much. I also had J bring the glider back downstairs because I suspected my boobs had gotten used to my feet being propped up like I have them at work. They are getting fickle.

Then the weekend came and I got another plugged duct. I'm still not 100% sure how or why this one popped up. Luckily I caught it quickly and was able to get S to work it out. This one didn't have any affect on my supply this time, which I am thankful for.

I'm pretty over breastfeeding, I'm really ready to have my body back. The biggest problem is that I feel guilty quitting when I obviously can feed her and keep her mostly satisfied. Some women would kill for that. The other thing is that she's doing so well on breast milk, I mean, would you look at those cheeks, those thighs, and those rolls?? I also love the benefits for me, I'm still losing weight and can eat what I want. Take that Jillian!! I've lost over 40 lbs since giving birth and I'm under where I started by now.

My goal was six months, now it's a year. I swear though, if I get many more of these plugged ducts, I'm done. I don't love breastfeeding but it's cheaper than formula!!

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Sleeping in her own room = Fail!

2010-08-02T19:56:00.000-05:00

Since we got home from the hospital, Savannah has been sleeping in our room in her pack-n-play (PNP). This weekend we decided to move her up into her wonderful nursery. I went out and got a breathable bumper last weekend in anticipation of the day we were putting off. Saturday we were cleaning and Justin packed up the PNP and even moved the rocker upstairs. "No turning back now!!" as Justin said.

Saturday night was tough for me. I nursed her upstairs for the first time in her room and read her a story. I put her down in the crib, turned on the monitor, turned off the lamp, and walked out.

She did fantastic! She fell asleep right away. Us? Not so much! When I finally fell asleep, I slept pretty well surprisingly. Justin? Not so much. He apparently spent most of the night watching the monitor and watching her breathe. When he did doze off, he woke up in a panic. He was useless on Sunday because of the little sleep he got.

Sunday night, I let Justin have a turn at putting her to bed. He took her upstairs and we were trying to adjust the monitor because he had moved it's position on the crib. He said, "I can't do this. I need my sleep and I like her downstairs with us.". Next thing I knew, he had brought Savannah downstairs and headed back up to retrieve the PNP. She slept down in our room again and I suspect that's where she will for awhile now!

Paranoid parents? That's us!!

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Location:Golden Gate Park,Austin,United States

I love my baby girl!

2010-07-28T18:46:00.002-05:00

I love, love, love my baby girl so very much!

I am so completely and utterly amazed by everything she does, every smile she smiles. They still melt my heart.

I've been such a slacker at blogging yet again, but life has been getting in the way. When I get home from work, I want to spend every waking moment with S. I have to pay her daddy some attention too and spend time with him. I also, somehow, have to make time for ME. I feel pulled in a lot of different directions. But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mother.

Savannah started sleeping all through the night a few weeks ago. Hallelujah!! Not that she was difficult with one feeding at night. She is a phenomenal sleeper. I guess being prepared for the worst makes everything a little easier to handle. I would pump while Justin would give her a bottle. We'd be up and everyone would be back to sleep within 30 minutes. You won't get a complaint about that at all from me!
We went to Oregon to visit Justin's family and that did throw her off her schedule a bit, but towards the end of the trip, she was sleeping through the night again and has since we've been home. Can you believe she even lets us sleep in on weekends? I feel blessed to have the most easy-going baby ever. I guess after already "mothering" four babies, the big guy upstairs maybe felt I did my time.

Anyway, the plane rides were a success. I was so nervous to be THAT person with the screaming baby on the plane, but S was a champ. I think she liked the white noise of the plane and slept through most our flights. I also had to become more comfortable with nursing in public. I'm such a prude, I have a hard time doing it. I hate that people might be looking at me in disgust or even otherwise. We survived though!

While in Oregon, S had some firsts! She rolled over a couple times from her back to her tummy, she saw mountains and snow, she took her first trip to the zoo, and she met her daddy's cousins and aunts and uncles. I think she had a blast and enjoyed the cooler weather. I don't blame her, Texas gets hot as the sun sometimes in the summer.
Yesterday was her 4 month appointment. She's 25.5" tall (89 percentile) and 14 lbs, 11 oz (72 percentile). I don't know how, but I am growing a big girl! She's going to take after her daddy and tower over me by the time she's 8 or something. I secretly really hope that she slows down a bit on this. Everything is great with her. She's grabbing things here and there, but right now really just prefers to munch on her hand. She gets about 7-8 fingers in her mouth at one time and just chews away. I've tried to replace her hands with a teether and she's just not interested yet. She also babbles all the time. She's getting to be very noisy! She's FINALLY started to really like her swing and she's started to enjoy being in her jumparoo and bouncing.

She's so much fun now and I know its only going to get better! I'm a little sad that she's not my tiny little infant anymore, but don't read between the lines, I'm far from anxious to have #2!

Back to work

2010-06-17T09:52:00.000-05:00

Maternity leave ended on Monday, so unfortunately it was back to work on Tuesday. It was a little surreal being back. My coworkers were very sweet and got me a box of my favorite cookies. Not good for the pudge but oh well. I managed however, to save the tears until I got home.

Wednesday was a lot tougher. I cried here at work. Reality is sinking in and it sucks. The nanny sent me a picture and Savannah looked grumpy. :-(. She didn't nap well Tuesday, but she slept well that night despite being cranky. I took her sleep positioner, the "Snuggle Nest" over to see if that helped on Wednesday and seems like it did. I thought maybe it would help her feel more at home. I also instucted the nanny to swaddle her. She didn't try that Tuesday, even though last week I mentioned to her that Savannah likes to be swaddled for sleeping.

It slightly bugged me that she didn't call or text to ask if there was anything that would help Savannah sleep. I don't want to come across as a controlling parent, but she's my baby. Plus, I know what she likes and doesn't like.

Wednesday night led to a lot of tears. All I wanted to do was snuggle her and kiss her and smell her. All Savannah wanted to was nurse all evening off and on, like she missed it. I was flattered of course, after all our struggling early on, now she seems to enjoy it. I just felt guilty. I waited for Savannah for almost three years and to just go place her with someone feels wrong.

I wish I would have known I'd feel this way. I thought I'd want to be a working mom with all my drive and determination. I thought I'd miss adult interaction. I didn't! I wish we'd made plans years ago. Actually though with the recession, even the best laid plans probably wouldn't have worked out.

I just hope this gets easier. Everyone says it will and I hope they aren't just saying that. I feel like I have the "baby blues" all over again.

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The Wii says...

2010-06-11T18:12:00.001-05:00

The Wii says that I am down 4 lbs from the last weigh in which is 4 lbs down from even pre-pregnancy because I had already lost all the weight.

The Wii also says Savannah is 13.6 lbs. Way to go monkey!!!

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Good News & Bad News

2010-06-10T16:01:00.003-05:00

Good news is that my pre-pregnancy work pants fit like a glove. I'm kind of amazed. I know I've lost the weight and have kept it off for awhile now, but my body is definitely "different". I'm pleased my pants fit. Some of them are actually a little big. Some are snug and if I were buying them today, I'd go up a size to be comfortable; but they will do.

Bad news is that 95% of my old shirts don't fit with my new boobs. This is a problem. I hope I can convince Justin to do a little shopping with me this weekend! Or let Savannah Banana and I go. She has a onesie that says, "Shopping with Mommy Makes Me Happy!" She's a momma's girl. I think all the smiles I can get out of her prove it. :)

We went to hang out with the nanny yesterday. It went well. I like her and she's good with kids....I just don't want to leave little S. :(

S is going to be spending time with another little boy who is 7 months old. He's so big compared to her and when we "introduced" them yesterday, the little Mr. C took a liking to Savannah, I think, because he leaned over and put his hand on her thigh! We both were like, "Cxxx!!!" I half jokingly told Justin he needs to start cleaning that gun. He's been saying for months now how he wants to get a gun, just to clean it when the boys come calling. He might need that sooner than 15 or 16 years from now!

Here's my little monkey in one of her many panda outfits. She was 11 weeks old yesterday.

Clarification

2010-06-07T11:44:00.001-05:00

I wish (for Savannah's sake) I could quit my job but I really don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. To save my sanity, rather than look at the full three years or whatever we are looking at, I'm looking at things in six month increments-which will stretch out multiple times.

I like my job, I like the people I work with, but this little girl has rocked my world and rearranged my priorities unexpectedly. I should have seen it coming. Oh well. We have to make the best of it.

Hopefully Justin doesn't mouth off and get fired, I think that secretly he would love to be Mr. Mom. He's such a hands-on dad.

In other news, last week was the first week Savannah did not reject one single breastfeeding session! It only took ten weeks, but I think we are getting the hang of it!! She's becoming so interactive. We have hour long smile and stare sessions at each other and much to her daddy's dismay; she seems to be a momma's girl. She can track us moving, she turns her head to look for me when she hears my voice, she's got the smiling down great. She will grab hair and necklaces, as well as my shirt and her blankets, but she hasn't reached out for any toys yet. I can't believe how fast she's growing and I love watching her learn!

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One more week of maternity leave...

2010-06-04T13:24:00.002-05:00

....and then its back to the "real world" for me. I'm dreading it.

I never thought I would feel so strongly about this, but I am ready to give up everything for her. I hate that we waited so long for her and are now dumping her off with a stranger. Fortunately, we found another couple with a nanny for their now six-month old little boy that was just itching to nanny-share, so she'll get a lot more one-on-one attention than at a daycare. She will also get to "socialize" with another baby, which granted, probably won't be all that much until she's older since she won't be all that interested. But still, its a little more personal for us. Nanny is from Brazil and speaks Portuguese and Spanish, as well as English of course, so Savannah will get to learn another language as she grows. If we knew someone who knew Mandarin, we'd have a well-rounded baby.

I'm changing my work hours from 9 am to 6 pm (or usually ended up being 7 pm) to 8 am to 4 pm without leaving for lunch. We'll see how that goes. I can tell you now that I'm not a fan. I really wish my boss was more flexible, but he's mentioned to a coworker who went to a part time schedule that he really wants us in the office every day. She's already locked up the part time option and I highly doubt he'd let two of us do that. I give it to the end of the year for Justin to either make more money and/or we get our credit cards paid down and we can re-evaluate our financial position. I don't make a boat ton of money, but I make a damn good amount and we're pretty used to our lifestyle....so we have to be comfortable with letting that go. Or maybe just have a heart to heart with my boss and negotiate something. I don't see why I couldn't work from home with the right equipment. Everything is submitted electronically these days, I feel like offices are becoming obsolete. I know though that he likes hollering out "Jennifer" from his office.... :-/

Anyway, on a happier note, in the past week, Savannah has really been smiling like crazy. She can't do much, but she can smile often and beautifully. It literally melts my heart and still brings tears to my eyes every now and then. The other day, we must have had an hour long session where she just laid next to me and we stared at each other and smiled over and over and over. I think she's becoming a Momma's girl because that same night, she wanted nothing to do with her daddy. He would hold her and she'd look around for me. Ha. I love it. I must be the luckiest person in the world. I'm sure every mom thinks that about their baby though. I am so thankful that she's healthy, appears to be happy, and that she's mine. She is perfect and I love her so much.

Blogging from the iPhone

2010-05-15T20:25:00.001-05:00

This might be easier for me. I'll be able to blog while I'm nursing.

We still have thrush/yeast infection. We are both taking Diflucan for 7 days. I'm not in much pain anymore but her mouth still has white patches in it. It's so frustrating since I can't freeze any milk--I'm making plenty of it. Pedi said I can't while taking Diflucan.

We survived two graduations this weekend. S was so well behaved. Such a little angel! My little brother graduated from Texas A&M with a 4.0. He was one of only 27 kids in a class of 6500. I'm so proud of him, he's a smart kid. We also made the trek to my future sister-in-law's graduation from Baylor with a nursing degree.

I realized that I have to go back to work in a month from today. I'm dreading it. I never imagined that I would love being a mom so much. I'm not looking forward to missing out on all her firsts. I'll likely miss her first word, first crawl, first step, etc. Maybe I'll luck out and she will save the good stuff for the weekends. Regardless, I think I'll just have to tell the nanny to not tell me if she does something new so I get to think that I'm watching her first time. Of course, I know I'm just the kind of person that would wonder in the back of my mind if she's done that before. I'm going to have to suppress those thoughts!

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Tough Time

2010-05-10T14:59:00.003-05:00

We've been having a tough time with breastfeeding. It's not easy. It's not easy AND I'm making plenty of milk. That's not the trouble--the trouble is that I have a yeast infection and it feels like knives in my nipples. Pleasant huh?

I'm taking Diflucan to try and clear this up. Savannah has thrush and she's taking Nystatin. I also was potentially developing mastitis and they gave me antibiotics for that, plus a nipple cream. I'm washing my nipples in a vinegar mixture after breastfeeding. I'm sterilizing her paci and bottles nightly. I'm washing the bibs, burp cloths, my tanks and bras, the boppy cover, etc. in hot water nightly. I've been doing this for almost a WEEK now and don't feel like we've made much progress. I'm so frustrated. I can't freeze any of the milk I've been pumping and I can't bring myself to total up all that I've sent down the drain. It sucks. So much for building a good size freezer stash before I have to go back to work.

I feel like we're back to the first couple weeks. My nipples hurt all the time. She's fussy while nursing. I'm so frustrated and I think about quitting multiple times a day now. But I can't.... She needs this and she needs me to plow through it. She's growing like a weed, last week at six weeks she was 11 lbs, 13.5 oz. I try to remind myself that she's thriving being breastfed and that this is the best thing I can do for her. Selfish me wants my boobs back. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. When I feel like quitting, I commit to one more day and it gets me through to the next day.

One day at a time.....

Otherwise, I still love this little girl more than life itself. She's growing so fast and becoming more and more alert every day. I love watching her take in the world. I'm so lucky that she's mine.

Such a Slacker!

2010-04-25T13:21:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I've been such a slacker on the blog front. I will blame it on just being busy! For awhile there, my posts probably would have been fairly depressing and full of complaints about breastfeeding--the one part of being a mom that I was having the worst time with. I also was slightly hormonal and crazy for a few weeks there and totally felt like an inadequate mom. I wouldn't say it was depression, it was the fact that sheesh, I couldn't think right with all these hormones dumping out of my body. I cried no less than three times a day. 90% of the time though I was crying happy tears. I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with this beautiful little girl that we waited for for way too long. She's perfect and actually a pretty easy baby and I would do everything all over again if I had to for her. Other times I'd cry because I didn't feel like a good mom and would feel guilty over all sorts of stupid things. It was hard....but I've been loving most every minute of it.

Savannah turned a month old yesterday and I can honestly say that just now, I'm finding my groove as a mom and she's learning more about me. We're clicking. She's getting on a schedule. I'm getting on a schedule. Breastfeeding is getting easier. I can't count the times I wanted to give up on it. It's painful, it's time-consuming, it's tough. But we're getting it. She's latching on better so its not so uncomfortable, I'm figuring out what works for the both of us. I knew it would be tough, but its a lot tougher than I thought it would be. If Justin had it his way, I'd exclusively pump. It's easier on me, it's more efficient, we can see how much she's eating, it would let him be more involved, etc. etc. I didn't want to exclusively pump, I wanted that mother-baby bonding experience you hear so much about. However, I'm still waiting on that. I guess I can't expect much from a 4-week old, she still nurses half-asleep or closes her eyes while she eats a lot. I'm so lucky to have the support of many of my friends from the Nest that have been along for the ride of dealing with infertility and then having their baby (or babies). They've been very sympathetic and encouraging and they've been right too - it's getting easier. You've just got to stick it out for six weeks or so. I wouldn't say that we've mastered breastfeeding yet, but its definitely gotten so much better than it was.

Otherwise, I love being a mom. I never thought I'd love the newborn stage so much, I've never been a "baby person", I was always looking forward to the toddler years, but I love her this small already. She's growing so fast though and I know there is so much to look forward too. I'm trying to enjoy this while I can and she makes it easy to enjoy since she's an easy baby. Maybe I just am so scarred from growing up with quads in the house, but one is so much easier than four. However, one is still time consuming. I don't know how my parents didn't end up committed in an asylum or something.

We had some rough nights with sleeping, but overall, it's going well too since the first week. She lets us sleep about 7+ hours most every night which I think is awesome for a newborn. I was expecting more like six max. Last night we got about 9 hours! ::knocks on wood:: I hope it continues. Now granted, we have to do about a million things to ensure that quality of sleep, but its worth it. She's in the pack-n-play down in our room. We have a sleep positioner (the "Supreme Snuggle Nest"), we swaddle her up tight, turn on the giraffe that has a heartbeat noise, turn on her night light (it's cute and looks like a puppy), make sure her binkie is nearby, and turn on the classical music on my iPhone. She's finally getting a hang of the routine and the past few nights has been closing her eyes as soon as we get all our lights turned off and all her things set up. Like, "Alright, I know the drill now, I'll try to go to sleep". We're lucky that she's a really good sleeper, once she gets to sleep. She would fight it for awhile. I'm sure we're up for more rough nights still, but I think they'll start to get more rare.

Long story short, we're doing great and loving every minute with her - even in the middle of the night when she's fussy.

Our Beautiful Baby Girl

2010-04-12T17:57:00.001-05:00

We are so in love with our sweetheart.

Here are more shots of our little baby doll.

Savannah

Newborn Photo Sneak Peek

2010-04-05T17:26:00.002-05:00

We had newborn photos done last Wednesday at one week. We're still waiting on the proofs, but we got a sneak peek at one of the photos. We had one of our pitties, Peyton pose with Savannah since he's been so good with her already and because he's very well trained to pose.

Look at how fantastic it turned out!

Savannah & Peyton

Peyton is a mama's boy and my lap dog. He's taken the addition of Savannah to our "pack" quite well. I try to pet him and love on him while Justin's spending time with Savannah so we can still get our "Mommy and Me" time in. I hope things continue to go well with the dogs, but so far, so good.

Savannah's Birth Story

2010-04-03T12:33:00.007-05:00

This is a little late, obviously, but I've been busy with a newborn. She's fantastic though, and I'll post pictures later. ;-)

March 24, 2010

We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 am, as they requested for a 6 am induction and checked in. We had to sit in the waiting room and didn’t get an L&D room until after 8 am because our assigned nurse had not arrived and our assigned room wasn’t clean. Things didn’t seem to be getting off to a good start as that made me pretty cranky from the lack of sleep.

8:40 am – Penicillin IV got started (because I was GBS+) and was checked for progress. 4 cm dilation, still about 80% effaced….Baby was at -1.

8:50 am – Doctor broke water. Ick, ick, ick!

Contractions didn’t start coming regularly or with any intensity until about 11 am. They went from 0-60 immediately. I started walking around the room and standing up to try to get baby to drop. It must have strengthened labor too as contractions got really intense. They were still manageable though. Justin was an awesome husband/coach and tried to rub my back to take my mind off the pain. They started getting strong so at 11:30, I went ahead and asked for the epidural since they said to ask about 20 minutes before I’ll really want it.

In the meantime, contractions got really bad and I felt all of them in my back at my tailbone. I felt excruciating pain to the point where I was screaming for the drugs and got really grouchy and irritable. There was no sense in holding out any longer….even though I was probably going to end up slowing down labor, I couldn’t take it—it felt like I was being stabbed in my back and I’d have to say that was some of the worst pain I’d ever felt. I’d had kidney surgery before and that recovery was painful and rough, and I have a tattoo on my back ribcage, which was very painful, but this was above and beyond any of that.

12:45 pm – FINALLY got epidural (an hour+ after requested) and was at 8 cm dilation. I felt relief immediately, knowing I was getting close and that the pain was gone. The epidural was the weirdest thing ever. My legs tingled like they were asleep and I could feel when DH put his hand on them, but I didn’t feel any pain nor could I move them.

We spent the next few hours hanging out—my parents, Justin, and his mom. The afternoon was a blur. I tried to relax and take a nap, but I was so hopped up on adrenaline that I couldn’t sleep. I was so excited, I had been waiting for this for so long—counting all the months we tried and the whole pregnancy, I was so ready to meet her. Around 4:00 or so, I started to feel pressure a lot lower than where I had felt before so I asked to be checked again. 9.5 cm. So close!

I started to get the urge to push at about 5 pm. I was at 10 cm finally (a full freaking day’s work) and the L&D nurse said we could start pushing. She got my doc on call and got everything set up so I started pushing. My epidural started to wear off, which was worrying me, but the nurse sounded like that was better so I could feel more and push better. It wasn’t too terrible at that point. I didn’t know how long of a haul I was in for, but I was optimistic it wasn’t going to take too long to get her out. So I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. And pushed more. An hour later, I was worn out and baby was still in posterior position and hung up on my pelvic bone…and the nurse was getting concerned about her heart rate. It was mostly steady but it would drop at times and she didn’t like it. (This was where details started to get fuzzy……) They put an oxygen mask on me and called my doc in. By now I was starting to be in pain. My nurse’s shift was over so someone else came in to take over the delivery. This switch meant my third nurse of the day!

My doc came in, told me the baby was stuck and that they’d let me push for another hour. She would inform the on-call doc what was going on, but she told me there was a 50-50 chance that I would need a c-section. At this point, I’m worn out, emotional, confused, so I started crying. I knew then and there that I’d need a c-section. I just knew it. I know I might have joked around about wanting one early on in my pregnancy, but when it came down to it, that’s the absolute last thing I wanted. I wanted to deliver my baby vaginally like most other people can, I didn’t want to deal with a c-section recovery, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do one of the most difficult things I’d ever have to do. I also felt ditched by my doctor. I’m not sure if because she wasn’t on call that she didn’t have OR rights that night, but if she was already there, why not just stay and deliver my baby? Why did I need to push for another hour? Why didn’t she make the executive decision to proceed with the c-section? She was so excited for me when she found out I was pregnant and earlier in the month, she wanted me to hold out for another week so I wouldn’t deliver while she was on spring break. With that comment, I assumed she wanted to be the one to deliver my baby. She didn’t really give a reason for leaving other than hinted that it was time to go home-- I guess it was about 6:30 pm by this point. (Needless to say, I’m pretty ticked and we have some things to discuss at my six-week postpartum check. I think I’m going to have a different OB for #2 –this really disappointed me).

Justin’s freaking out as he’s already seen me in so much pain, I’m bawling, Justin calls my mom in for a pep talk. I thought she asked to come in, but reading his text messages later (shhhh! I was curious what he said.), I think he was completely freaked and didn’t know how to deal. They didn’t cover this in our childbirth class. I’m pretty sad that I don’t remember exact specifics, but it was the best damn pep talk I’ve ever had and boy, did I need it. She calmed me down about the c-section possibility and gave me motivation to push for a while longer provided it was safe for me and safe for the baby. Nurse #3 assured me I was in good hands and that they were monitoring both of us. Nurse called the anesthesiologist to get me another round of an epidural since the first one had worn off. I ended up taking a break for about 30 minutes between my doc coming in and my mom’s pep talk and we start up on round #2 of pushing.

I gave it a go for another 50+ minutes and didn’t make much more progress than I had the first hour of pushing. Nurse makes the call to get the OR ready and things set up. At this point, the room becomes slightly chaotic with everyone coming in to get us prepped and ready for the surgery. I’m not quite sure what all they gave me, but whatever it was, it knocked me out. I was in and out of consciousness at times and I was shaking uncontrollably. I was slightly cold, but even when they gave me a warming blanket, I was still shaking. They cart me in to the OR, its bright as the sun compared to the nice dim lights in my L&D room. I don’t remember much, as like I said, I wasn’t fully all there, but I remember the pressure when they pulled her out, I remember hearing her cry (it was more like a cute squawk), and I remember them saying what a big girl she was. They took her over to the warming bin (which had “Panda Warmer” stickers all over it, I guess that’s a brand or type of warmer, not sure) to get her cleaned off. Justin said that he was afraid to touch her until the nurses gave him the ok, which of course they did right away and she grabbed his finger instantly and wouldn’t let go.

They were still working on me and I felt them staple me up. It didn’t hurt, but I heard the stapler and felt the pressure every couple seconds. Justin brought the baby over to me and I remember he asked if he should go with her to the nursery or if I wanted him to stay with me, I told him to go with her; I’d be ok with the doctors and nurses. I asked how big she was – 8 lbs, 4 ounces and 21 inches long! How did that ever fit in 5’2” me? I remember giving her a kiss before they took her off and she was wide awake and alert and not crying. She had her big eyes open and looked right at me. It was the most precious thing I’d ever seen. I started crying again…or maybe just kept crying.

They finished me up and wheeled me off to recovery. At this point, I felt the drugs wearing off again and I felt a lot of pain at the incision site. My nurse kept asking if they should bring the baby in and I felt so bad, but I wasn’t ready to see her yet. I couldn’t function other than continue to cry. Justin came in to tell me about her, he was so excited and I could tell that he was already in love. I wanted to meet her so bad, and I can’t explain it, but there was this urge to just be at my best for her and I couldn’t do that just yet. My mom came in and they gave me enough drugs to make me comfortable. I think I spent an hour in recovery before they kicked me out to my postpartum room where I finally got to meet my beautiful daughter, Savannah Jane. It was the crazy instant connection that I always heard about. I didn’t even know her but loved her and would do the entire day all over again in a heartbeat if that’s what it took.

We had a rough first night; she wasn’t born until 8:56 pm, so she was bent out of shape a bit trying to adjust to being an outside baby. I was stuck in bed and exhausted so Justin had to try to comfort her (and me) all night. Poor thing. I feel really bad, but he handled it like a champ and was so great at being the father and husband we needed him to be. We finally asked the nurses to take her to the nursery because we needed some rest after the long day—even though that wasn’t the plan EVER. Well, she was inconsolable and we wanted to hold out on giving her a pacifier, so they brought her back…..twice. Justin though stayed up and held her, because even I couldn’t make her feel better.

The rest of our hospital stay was better, but she ended up dropping a lot of weight in two days because apparently she got dehydrated. We had no choice but to start supplementing with formula—our pediatrician said we didn’t have other options. However, our pedi is AWESOME and everything she has suggested or told us has worked out for the best. Thanks to the Austin nesties for recommending Dr. Cepeda. We’ve been patients for a little over a week and already love her.

My milk came in pretty quickly which helped, but the first couple days were rough. We used the SNS tube thing which gets taped above my nipple to help her try to latch on, but we really struggled there for awhile. We got to go home on Sunday of that week, after having Savannah Wednesday night and it really helped us all coming home and being able to relax. My recovery is going pretty well, I’m getting around well, and the lingering pain is getting more manageable. Breastfeeding is slightly rough, but she’s getting it. It seems to get easier and easier as we both get the hang of it.

Now she’s a week and a half old and we’re all smitten!! She’s a pretty easy baby and very alert when she’s awake, just watching the world around her. She doesn’t cry much at all, but when she does, it’s usually because of an easily solved problem—she’s hungry, she needs a diaper change, or she needs to burp. I’ve enjoyed being a mom more than I ever imagined, not that I didn’t know I‘d love it, but I thought I’d despise the newborn phase and not be able to wait until she was a toddler. I love her like this and already dread her growing up. Like I said, I’d already do it all over again for her.

And oh yeah....

2010-03-23T19:24:00.002-05:00

I'm having a baby tomorrow - March 24!!!

Doc and PA think I should be induced because my blood pressure is rising steadily and the swelling is just getting worse. At last week's appointment, I was at 3.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced, only slight progress from 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced the previous week. PA did say, "I'm quite surprised to see you again, this baby should have fallen out by now." Contractions have decreased actually and seems like progress is stalling out. Who knows how long this could go on....But thanks (note sarcasm) to the pre-e symptoms, they think it is better to go ahead and induce now, rather than wait another two weeks. I had high hopes that it would happen on its own between then and now, but it hasn't.

In the meantime, I'm either coming down with a cold or suffering from allergies. Sucks. I did so good for 9 months and then bam, Sunday I came down with a sore throat and runny nose. :-( Wouldn't ya know, before I need to be on my "A game". I think it could be allergies, as it seems to be all in my head. I feel "ok" otherwise, which is a relative statement for being 39 weeks pregnant, right?

So tomorrow should be the big day. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. It hasn't even sunk in yet that we're finally going to meet our baby tomorrow. Our baby. The one we've been waiting to meet for almost THREE YEARS.

I'll update with pics and a birth story when I can. I hope its a smooth positive one and not some of the nightmares I've heard about.

Since I've been slacking, here's a couple last belly pics.

38 Weeks, 3 days:

And from today, 39 weeks, 2 days:

Updated Nursery Pics

2010-03-23T19:08:00.002-05:00

Added some more stuff on the walls.

(Still need to get the hutch for the dresser)

(Note the birds on the wall above the door and closet)

37 Weeks, 3 Days

2010-03-10T20:49:00.002-06:00

Second progress check today.

I am 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Doctor thinks baby could be coming "soon". I'm impatient.

36 Weeks, 4 Days = First Progress Check

2010-03-08T20:16:00.004-06:00

36 Weeks, 4 Days

I had my first progress check last Thursday. OMG that hurt ridiculously bad. Good news is that I'm already 2-3 cm dilated and my cervix is definitely "thinning". I didn't get an effacement percentage. I saw the PA again since my doctor had to go deliver a baby and she said that things could happen that night or over the weekend...or....I could still make it to my due date.

Well, I'm still pregnant as of Monday night....so obviously, I didn't hit the that night or over the weekend target. I reached 37 weeks yesterday, so this little girl is officially full term. I've been having contractions off and on and they feel more real than Braxton Hicks, but I guess that could be all they are since they don't seem to get more regular or progress. I also feel like I have a bowling ball resting on my bladder. I've had to ditch my rings. My clothes don't fit. I'm very ready to be done....albeit terrified to actually give birth.

Justin's terribly excited and impatient, well we both are, but I have more reasons I suspect.

My second progress check is on Wednesday and I am really not looking forward to another internal. I might actually prefer labor to avoid another one of those.

Catching up

2010-03-08T20:13:00.003-06:00

35 Weeks, 2 Days

Nursery Pics

2010-02-23T19:41:00.003-06:00

Here are some nursery pics. It's close to being done, but I still need to add wall decor and some curtains. The ones I ordered from Land of Nod aren't long enough and not sure I want to wait until late March for the longer ones to ship out. Plus, I have a feeling the longer ones are going to be too long!

Here is a close up of the closet dividers that I made.

The decal came from etsy seller loladecor.

The birdhouses are from Hobby Lobby (like $6 each!). The chandelier came from Lowe's.

Has she dropped? Has she dropped?

2010-02-18T18:14:00.002-06:00

I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore. I feel bad that I can't just enjoy it, but the aches and pains, the worries that she's ok, it just makes me crazy. I also want to blame IF for just wanting to "rush" through the pregnancy. All I wanted was this baby when we started our journey in May 2007. It's 2010 now and I'm STILL waiting on her and I'm getting IMPATIENT!!! I know she needs to be in there a few more weeks, but I'm terrified of giving birth vaginally to a 9 lb baby. I'm not a big girl. "Things" hurt when something goes in my body....and its nowhere NEAR 9 lbs (sorry honey, but its not).

Baby is head down and she's been doing this thing where she kicks out on the left side of me, so I feel little feet way over above my hip on my side and then she pokes her butt out the right side of me. The little bugger is stretching me out side-to-side!!! If I'm going to get stretch marks from it ::shakes fist::, we're going to have to have a talk.

Here I am at 34 Weeks, 4 days.

Dropping is wishful thinking, huh? I feel like maybe a tiny bit compared to last week. I am definitely feeling more pressure down low and sometimes feel like I get punched on the hips, its a very weird sensation. The ribcage pain has DEFINITELY gotten a lot better over the past couple weeks. However, I still have moments where its hard to breathe.

My boobs have started leaking at night. They are getting big! (Hip hip hooray!) Well, big relative for what I'm used to looking down and seeing or looking in the mirror at. I wish this big ol' belly wasn't around, I was drooling over the new swimsuits in the Victoria's Secret catalog and imagining how great some of them would look on my new boobs. I really hope I luck out and they stick around, because that would definitely be a welcome change. Belly, go away (see you next time), Boobs, you stay!

My boss's wife threw me a little shower for our group, she made the most delicious chicken and dumplings for lunch. YUM. They gave me the breast pump I registered for (Medela PISA). Awkward..... Can you tell my boss wants me back? Apparently he told her that was embarrassing, but she was like, "Well she needs it and she registered for it!" She pulled me to the side and said I didn't have to open it in front of everyone, but all but one of my coworkers (and boss) have had kids in the past couple years (some are on pg #2) so they know about these. I also got our monitor, some bottles, some blankets, some clothes. All very cute stuff!!

My other shower is Saturday and I'm excited to see all my girlfriends who I don't see enough of!

Numbers Numbers Numbers

2010-02-09T21:22:00.002-06:00

I had an ultrasound and doctor's appointment this morning. The best news is that her kidney looks great! There's no evidence of any dilation in her right kidney so seems like the doctor was right--she did outgrow it all on her own! All appears to be well.

She's measuring 5 lbs, 8 oz already....at 33 weeks! The tech showed us on a graph, she's definitely above the average curve, but is still within normal range. I'm a little afraid of how big she may get. I'm only 5'2" so seems like she's taking after her 6'2" daddy. Eeek! We may have a volleyball player on our hands.

Here's a picture from today:

Isn't she chunky???? I've started calling her my chunky monkey. ::pats belly:: (I'm not sure she likes that.)

At my doctor appointment, I am measuring a week ahead of schedule....finally. I had been measuring "perfectly" on time until now. As she measured me, the PA said, "Hmmm, you're running out of room here aren't you?" Ummm yes....I don't know that I can make it another 7-9 weeks. 9 weeks because the conversation we had last appointment was that they would let me go two weeks past my due date if there wasn't any progress before they would induce. Today, she sounded open to the idea of inducing me before 42 weeks if my growth picks up, but I think we're hopeful that I've got some progress going by my 36 week appointment. She said that if someone has shown some progress at their 36 appointment, they will rarely make it to their due date. I sure hope she's right! I would love to meet this baby in 4-5 weeks!

My total weight gain stands at 24 pounds. I still only have 2 tiny stretch marks on my left boob. Absolutely none on my stomach, I got 2 compliments on how good my stomach looks this morning from the medical professionals. What can I say, I was blessed in that department at least. My mom never got any with me or with the quads...which sounded impressive. She said at 27 weeks, she was measuring as if she were 46 weeks.

Here I am at 33 weeks, 2 days.

Come on baby, start making plans to pack up and move out here soon!

Almost Done!!!!!!

2010-02-08T20:19:00.001-06:00

Just need to get all the decor arranged and walls decorated, but basically the construction and painting is done. Well, with the exception of inside the closet.

Ultrasound and doctor appointment tomorrow. I'm curious to see how big we both have gotten!

Heartburn Sucks

2010-02-04T19:46:00.003-06:00

Last night, I woke up with miserable heartburn and couldn't fall back asleep until I got my lazy bum out of bed and went in search of Tums. Almost immediate relief after I chowed a couple down. I have made the mental note to take the Tums to bed with me tonight.

Next Tuesday we have another ultrasound and a doctor appointment. Thursday we have a breastfeeding class and a "meet and greet" with pedi #2.

Here's this week's pic @ 32 weeks, 3 days.

Nursery Progress....Weekend #2

2010-02-01T18:55:00.003-06:00

Here is how it looked Saturday, after most of it was primed.

Here is the construction zone formerly known as our upstairs. Embarrassing, but wanted to show the work being put into this room.

And....here is the beginning of the pink.

I hope she likes all the work her daddy is putting in this room. I also hope the pink doesn't give us all headaches. :-)

I cannot wait for this to be DONE!!!!

60 More Days!!!

2010-01-27T20:04:00.000-06:00

Sixty more days and this little lady gets served an eviction notice if she isn't here yet. This is what 2 more months looks like on me.

I had my first experience with cankles last week. Thursday and Friday my feet and ankles swelled up big time - it looked like I had two sprained ankles. That was unpleasant, and from my perspective, crazy. Thankfully, I haven't had any major swelling this week. I got an empty Office Depot paper case and stuck it under my desk to use as a foot rest. I know that you should prop your feet up higher, but that's all we had around the office. I do think its helped as I've been able to use it more this week and haven't seen the swelling again. Hopefully it won't return.

We had our first childbirth class last Thursday. I am feeling a little better about the process. We watched a video about the basic stages of labor and I thought it was helpful to see what is in store--see what women go through, how they feel, etc. Justin wasn't too enthusiastic about it, but I thought the class certainly ended with a major WIN as a massage therapist came in to teach the men some massage techniques to help us relax. Tomorrow night is our second and last class. We're also taking a breastfeeding class on February 11.

This past weekend, I FINALLY decided what I wanted to do in the nursery. After perusing Roomzaar for hours on end, I decided I wanted paneling/molding or wainscotting. I thought that would decrease the obnoxiousness of having a bright pink nursery and make it look a little more grown up. Saturday and Sunday, Justin was in there sawing, nailing, caulking away. He complained a bit, even though he liked the idea, and I calmly told him that I'm carrying our little girl for 9 months, the LEAST he could do is spend a couple weekends slaving away to make her nursery fit for a little princess (even though I gagged at that "princess" phrase). We're doing paneling and picture frame molding on the bottom half of the room, which will be painted white. The top half and ceiling will be painted bright pink -- I still need to nail down a color. If it all looks as good in my head, I'm going to love it. I'd like to just wow you with the big reveal when its done, but you need something to compare it to. So here are some pictures of the current "construction zone". The paneling and molding is done, the room needs to be cleaned (of course) and primed and painted.

Here are pictures of "Weekend 1":

Please excuse Fudge's butt.

Now, I won't be able to do the tree decal I like, but I've found some branches with birds that will work. I'm very excited to get the furniture back in and start decorating and "nesting".

I super puffy heart Etsy right now. I could surf that site all day.

"Survivor's Guilt"

2010-01-18T19:40:00.000-06:00

I have it.

I feel like I shouldn't ever complain about being pregnant. I am very sorry that I do. I waited 29 months to see those two pink lines and all the while, hated everyone who had gotten what I wanted and complained about it the whole time. I feel like a hypocrite when I complain and as we near the end, I do it a lot.

Before I got pregnant, it felt like a punch in the gut when someone would complain about being pregnant. I hated those who seemed to take this for granted, especially those who got pregnant way too easily.

I'm still bitter--its hard to get rid of or let go of. I used to have panic attacks just thinking about going into Babies R Us that I started having to order things online for people's showers as I drank a glass of wine and cried. There's still a breath I have to take before stepping into BRU. I almost forget for a second that there's a good reason I am going inside, that its for my baby, not someone else's for a change.

I wish I could make it happen for everyone still waiting and hoping. I really wish we could all go through this together. I wish we could all commiserate together about our aches and pains and weird stuff going on with our bodies. I wish infertility wasn't so unfair.

I try to be sensitive because I have been there. I know what its like, I know the frustrations and the tears, I know the feelings of hopelessness and anger. But I also slip up. Pregnancy isn't easy for me and I really hate that I don't just "enjoy" this more and want to be pregnant forever. I wanted this. I wanted this desperately. I didn't know it would be so hard, so uncomfortable. I'm not meant to be a breeder unfortunately.

I just want to apologize to all those out there who might read my blog from time to time and hate me for complaining.

Here's a more positive spin on my experience and things I love about being pregnant.

I love what its done to my hair and nails. They have never looked so fabulous. My hair has body it has never had before and my nails grow like crazy.

For some reason, I don't have to shave my legs as often. That has been nice!

I love watching my belly jiggle which it does more and more lately. It cracks me up every single time she rolls around and wiggles in there. I feel like Santa.

I love thinking about our outside baby, what she'll be like, what she'll look like, and how much we're going to love her, as well as how much we already do.

To those of you still in IF hell, I wish you nothing but good luck and I send big hugs from my side.

29 Weeks

2010-01-13T21:16:00.000-06:00

OMGosh. I feel like I am being stabbed in the ribs. Not with a foot, but with a knife. It stings so bad. I also can't breathe. I'm very uncomfortable and I really hate that I'm not enjoying this more.

Doc appointment on Friday. Signed up for a breastfeeding class today. Childbirth class next two Thursdays (after this one). Have to pick a pedi. Have to start the nursery. Have to fill out FMLA stuff. Feeling overwhelmed.

Here's today's belly pic.

And look from the front. My belly looks so weird! My belly button is all stretched out and gross looking.

28 Weeks

2010-01-06T20:50:00.000-06:00

My bedding came in!!!! I think I love it. It's bright, but that's what I wanted. Nothing else is new really....just trying to plan out the nursery.

I'm trying to decide on name decals for over her crib....I see something new I like every time.

Here are some of my favorites (all from Etsy):

I think the second one is my favorite, but I like the simple name in the third one.

Fun, fun!!

I think this is the tree decal I'm going with for one of the corners. If we go with the pink walls, which we probably will, I was going to put some green and aqua birds in the tree and possibly on a branch in another location to add some more color.

And the highlight of my blog today...me (@ 28 weeks and 2 days)!

I Love Her

2010-01-04T22:40:00.000-06:00

As uncomfortable as she makes me, I love her. I think more than she'll ever know or realize. We're so excited to meet her that we can't contain ourselves.

And that's all the mush you get for today folks. :)

Happy New Year!!!!

2010-01-03T19:21:00.000-06:00

The first redeeming quality of 2009 was that I got pregnant. The second redeeming quality of 2009 is that we both escaped with our jobs in tact. Otherwise, 2009 can suck it.

I feel much more excited about what 2010 holds in store for us, I just have a giddy, excited feeling. I'm sure much of it has to do with getting to meet this little lady currently playing trampoline on my bladder. I've never been so excited, except maybe when I went away to college. There's that same nervous excitement, mostly confident at tackling a new stage in life, yet still uncertain on if I/we're going to get through it unscathed.

I think we're going be ok....I'm looking at it as a new adventure.

The best news of the week is that my bedding shipped! After receiving an email from Target saying my bedding was delayed until at least January 29 earlier last week, Thursday I woke up to another email from Target saying they shipped the bedding! Confused? Me too, but I'll take it. Looks like we'll be able to at least paint the nursery this weekend and arrange the furniture so I can see where we can put some decals and get those ordered. After doing some "old school" photoshopping on a Target Baby Catalog, I think if this is the bedding I want to go with when it gets here, we're painting the room a bright pink. Will it be a lot of pink? Probably. But I think the white and green I'm throwing in with it will break it up a bit. Plus our furniture is a dark espresso and will add another element of color. So sue me on the pink overload. It might be my only chance to have a pink room and dammit, I'm taking advantage of it. When she's old enough to have an opinion on some "big girl" decor, she might want purple, green, teal, brown, who knows!

In other news, this rib pain is killing me. Do I really have 12 weeks to go? ::cries:: Sometimes its hard to breathe too. Having some crazy dreams too. Last night, I dreamt about breastfeeding. Apparently I produced Gatorade before my milk came in--just the lemon lime and orange flavors. I wonder what's in store tonight.....

Third Trimester....Whooooohoooo!!!

2009-12-28T16:33:00.000-06:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated on our progress. I knew I had been slacking, but didn't know how bad. I apologize!!!!! Please forgive me. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!

We have officially made it to the third trimester and I am so excited that we made it to this milestone. If she had to come early, I'm feeling ok about it. Obviously, I hope she stays in there for the time being and we make it to 38-40 weeks until she gets her eviction notice. (Dear Baby Girl....I'm good with you arriving around March 15. You don't have to wait until March 28th.)

Let's see, what's new....my last doctor appointment was almost two weeks ago by now, just after my last blog entry. Official weight gain at 25 W 3 D was 17 pounds. My biggest complaint is this pain in my left rib. I hate it. Doc says I'm pretty much S.O.L. until she comes. :-( There's nothing to do for it. She said that I can't take any muscle relaxers or use any of the sports cremes for muscle pain because they are aspirin based. It pretty much hurts when sitting. Walking or standing helps, but then I get tired of being on my feet. Sleeping is good too, but sometimes still uncomfortable. It gives me a good hour or so in the morning before the pain comes back.

Thankfully, I'm not having any swelling anywhere yet. Breathing is starting to get hard. There's just no room here already. Sleeping is hit or miss. I have good nights and bad--bad is where I have slight panic attacks in the middle of the night. The latest one was that she doesn't have enough clothes yet and what if she comes before my shower and we're not ready??? My mind starts racing and it makes me want to get out of bed and take some kind of action to make myself feel better. Usually though there's been nothing I can do at that very moment other than try to clear my head and fall back asleep.

We had a full 3d/4d ultrasound the Friday before Christmas. There was a place running a "Holiday Special" on one of their packages. We ended up sticking one of the pictures in a frame and giving to the grandparents as one of their presents. We managed to keep the u/s a secret so we could surprise them with the picture. I was a little disappointed as she wasn't very cooperative. She had been very active all morning and wouldn't you know, just as soon as I got there, she chilled out. She was breech and hanging out on the right side of my ute. I could tell that morning before I got there, my stomach was very lopsided and funny looking.

She did keep trying to show us her feet, showing Justin that she takes after me already--that she is ready for cute shoes. "Shoes in this size please guys. Thx." She also kept pointing to her ears. (Ummmm I wasn't planning on piercing those for you dear. Not for awhile. You'll have to wait on those diamonds. But hit daddy up for the both of us, will ya?)

Here's the photo we gave the grandparents:

Here are a couple more:

I actually had an ultrasound today to look at her kidney again. These pictures aren't as good and I'm too lazy to get them scanned in. She looked about the same, but sort of grumpy....like it was too early to be taking her photo? Anyway, the kidney was still a bit dilated, but they said the good news is that is isn't getting worse. So, next step is simply to come back in another six weeks to measure again. She was measuring 2 lbs, 7 oz....which is surprising to me. The tech said that was normal, to me that sounds big considering 7 weeks ago she was only 12 oz. But its good she's putting on weight and it's not just me.

And, what you've all been waiting for......me! Haha.

(27 weeks, 1 day)
Clothes on:

My super sexy (not) maternity jeans:

And ba-boom...full nekkid belly:

I thankfully have the week off of work and would love to work on the nursery....however my freaking bedding isn't here yet. I give it until the end of January and then I'm going with plan B. I hopefully will be able to get the closet dividers and mobile made and I'll post pics once I've gotten them done or far enough.

Growing, growing, growing

2009-12-14T21:31:00.000-06:00

Thankfully, I passed the 1 hour Glucose test. The orange drink wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that great either. My iron levels were low though, so I have to add an iron supplement to my rotation of daily pills and try to eat more spinach and red meat.

I feel enormous, but as of this morning I was down a pound for an unofficial total weight gain of 14 at 25 weeks, 1 day. I'm curious to see what the official number is on Wednesday at my appointment.

I have to post some pictures of some super cute stuff I got for the baby girl. Wait, I have to take them first......

Anyway, here's a picture from late last week at 24 weeks, 5 days.

23 Weeks

2009-11-30T19:19:00.000-06:00

Warning: This is a whole bunch of randomness.

I think the mood swings have kicked in. I feel like I am PMSing....like I could cry at the drop of a hat. :( Not a fan.

I am also not a fan of this pain in my left ribcage. Doc thinks its a pulled muscle from my ribs stretching to accomdate the baby, but dear God, its killing me. It hurts more and more every day. It started only occuring at the end of a long day of sitting at my desk, but this morning it started hurting when I got in the car to go to work.

Other than those complaints, that's all I got. It was Thanksgiving last week and we certainly had a lot to be thankful for. We went down to Brownsville to spend the holiday with my family and we'll spend Christmas here in Austin with Justin's. My little sister, my mom, and my dad all got to feel the baby move and that was exciting for them. My dad is ready to be a grandpa, my mom is ready to be a grandma, except she doesn't want to be called grandma or grandmom or grammy or grandmother. ::eye roll:: Okay mom, you figure that one out. Needless to say, I probably packed on about 5 pounds that I didn't need to pack on between all the turkey and tacos I ate. Last week's appointment had me at +14!!!

Anyway, my little sister gave me her gently used Canon Powershot XS10 for my birthday and I was psyched. We had been talking about getting a newer nicer camera before the baby came and while its probably not the exact one I might have gone with, its a free awesome camera to learn on! She gave me a crash course on its operation while we were down. Now the pups get to be my subjects for the next few months. Muahahaha!

As far as any baby preparations have gone, I ordered some bedding to see if I like it. This is what I got - the Bananafish Lily collection.

I think I want to go with brighter colors for her room. I ordered two variations of the bumper, a sheet, and the crib skirt. I'll keep you posted!

Here's me tonight...large and in charge...ok so maybe not quite....but I feel it.

Very Exciting Development!

2009-11-18T20:05:00.001-06:00

Last night, I was sitting on the couch and felt some rumbles in my ute. Stronger than I've felt before. I lifted up my shirt to see if I could feel her from the outside, but before I could move my hand, a little area on right side of my stomach poked out!

"Oh my God!!" I exclaimed. Justin was in the kitchen and heard me laugh and squeal and thought something was wrong. "No!" I said, "She's moving big time!"

He finished up washing his dishes while I saw another jab in my stomach. He came over, got to see another one, and then placed his hands on my stomach to try to feel her. She stopped making such big movements. :-(

"I'm not crazy, you saw that too, right?!?!" He said he saw it, so I'm not completely crazy.

She's been really active today now and I was able to feel a kick down low from the outside. It's crazy how I went from feeling little flutters or rumbles to feeling full fledged movement AND seeing it from the outside. It's so exciting and strange, I love it. I've waited for what feels like forever to feel this.

On another note, I'm seeing numbers on the scale I've never seen before. I officially crossed over 140 for a total weight gain at 21 weeks of 10 pounds. And it's only just begun huh? ::side eyes scale:: Slow down there scale.

Here's my latest picture, 21 weeks, 3 days.

Tomorrow night, I get to evoke the fifteen year old girl that resides inside of me at the midnight premiere of New Moon. Hopefully I can stay awake!!

Great Deal!

2009-11-18T19:50:00.000-06:00

Sunday, we went to wander around and look at baby stuff. We ended up at Buy Buy Baby where we found the glider (by Best) I've been drooling over on sale. It was slightly damaged in shipping, but nothing that a furniture pen couldn't cover up. I don't blame the people for returning it, I would too if we paid full price for it. But their return was our gain! It was about $120 off, plus they let us use our 20% coupon on it...for a savings of almost $200, making the cost a whole lot more reasonable.

It looks a little green in the picture, but the upholstery is a light chocolate brown.

We are now trying to agree on bedding. I'm trying to go with a pink/green color combo with birds and trees either on the bedding or on the wall. Justin wants to go pretty girly, but to me, some of it is just "too much". Decisions, decisions!

20 Weeks, 4 Days

2009-11-12T19:29:00.001-06:00

It's a..................

2009-11-10T21:07:00.000-06:00

GIRL!!!!!!!!

We were right all along and my stupid recent dream meant nothing except to throw me for a loop. Justin never wavered.

Everything looked good, she's already after her daddy's heart by weighing a "perfect" 12 oz....daddy's favorite measurement as he so proudly proclaimed in the room when the tech said that. (Be jealous, he's alllll mine.)

I'm going to try to explain this clearly, I forget some of the terms they used, but the short answer is that I/we shouldn't worry too much about it. The one "concern" they have is that her right kidney appears to be a little more dilated than the other, so if she's working on kidney issues, she's taking after me. :-( They weren't too concerned, the range for a minor concern they said was this certain measurement being between 5 and 10 and hers was 6. Usually it clears up before the baby is born, but they like to keep an eye on it in the event they need to notify the pedi.

He said at the worst case, it will clear up by the time she's two and may have to be on some antibiotics after she's born to avoid any UTIs. That is more rare though. But....he said this is very common, he sees this about once a week and usually will clear up before she gets here. The bright side is that I have another u/s in 7 weeks--just after Christmas to see if anything has changed. We'll get to get another peek at her.

So I'm going to take his word for it and try not to worry. It's a relief to just know what we've got going on in there and very exciting to finally say one way or the other!

We went to Babies R Us to look at girl stuff (since we can now!) and I found some cuuuute outfits. I'm loving Carter's these days, they have a bunch of panda stuff!!! I'll have to post pics later of some of the cute stuff I snagged.

We also went out to dinner to celebrate--which we would have done either way. Justin is "over the moon" excited and thrilled to have a little girl on the way. He confessed (at least this is what he says) that a girl was what he wanted all along. I could have cared less, really, a healthy baby is all I asked for. I'm just happy he's happy. I might have to complain about him one of these days, but the past few weeks he has been wonderful. The first few weeks were rough when I was tired all the time without any "proof", but now that its becoming more real for him and he's seeing the evidence, he's heard the heartbeat, he's seen the baby a few times--he's been wonderful. 99% of the time, he's been so considerate the past few weeks and I am certainly enjoying this Justin.

Anyway, hooray for little girls!!! Now to decorate the nursery and decide on a name!

I'm disappointed we didn't get very good pics this time, except a couple 4Ds of her face. Here she is!

Two Things...One Funny...One Not So Much

2009-11-06T12:35:00.000-06:00

1) I received one of those automated calls from my OB's office last night, reminding me about my ultrasound on Monday.

I had to laugh--this is the moment we've been waiting for!!!! How in the world are we going to forget about this?!?!?! :-) It's been on my calendar for a month. No worries message robot...we'll be there.

2) It appears like my belly button is starting to pop out. I didn't think I had a popper. My belly button, she's always been good to me. She's the one part of my body that I never had any complaints about. Cute, clean, nice to look at. That was her. Now, it appears we may have to deal with an outtie for awhile. I've had an innie for 30 years. I don't know how to deal. I hope its not permanent. Sad. Tragic. Goodbye cute tiny little inside belly button.

19 weeks

2009-11-03T21:23:00.000-06:00

Almost halfway there and six more days until our BIG ultrasound!

Consider these the "Before" Photos

2009-11-03T21:10:00.000-06:00

Here is how the nursery looks...in its "Before" state. The art on the walls is what was in there when it was a guest bedroom. Justin was very excited to get everything arranged, but now it sits empty and undecorated.

I discovered the room is difficult to take photos of. I hope I can get some good ones once we get it all decorated (in pink or blue of course)! As far as furniture goes, we still need to get the hutch, the nightstand, and our glider/recliner.

So far, this is the bedding I like for a girl--Love Bird by Bananafish.

If we go this route, we'll probably put a giant tree decal in the room. I don't know what we'd do for a boy yet, nothing jumps out at me. I've always wanted to do a puppy theme since I love dogs so much and they are a big part of our lives, but our friends who had a baby a couple months ago did the puppy thing already. I don't want to look like I stole their ideas or anything.

If its a boy, I have to keep looking and try to decide on something so I can get Justin his "assignments" to complete over the holidays. :-)

18 Weeks

2009-11-03T20:51:00.000-06:00

Had my 18 week appointment last Thursday and all was well. My bladder is acting up, which is unpleasant, its giving me the symptoms of an infection. I'm pretty sure that any spotting I was seeing was coming from my bladder....pretty awesome right?

My urine test came back negative but the doc thought it might be a good idea to give me a round of antibiotics to kill any bacteria. Apparently the Macrodantin that I'm on does a good job of keeping bacteria at a low level, but there must be enough in there to cause problems for me now.

I asked Justin to come to the appointment so he could feel a bit more involved and I think it was good for him. He hadn't heard the baby's heartbeat yet, so he got to hear it for the first time. It was loud and clear at 155 bpm.

He was also introduced to the little thing all us women are very familiar with - the dreaded speculum. Doc wanted to do an internal exam to see if it was my cervix that was causing any bleeding, but all looked well in there. My cervix is nice and firm and very closed, so I need to stop freaking out about the spotting. There wasn't any evidence of any blood coming from my cervix nor any in my vagina. I had seen it that morning, but it must have been my stupid bladder.

Anyway, he was a little uncomfortable. Luckily I had him rearrange the office before the doctor came in and made him move the chair up by my head. Look at me, thinking ahead and all. :-)

So other than my bladder, all appears to be going well.

Here are pictures from last week:

In addition, remember how I was convinced that it was a girl? I had a dream over the weekend where we were in the ultrasound room for the big ultrasound and we saw it was a boy, loud and clear. The tech hadn't even gotten to the gender determination yet, but we were flashed and it was completely obvious. It was a very vivid dream too, so now I'm wavering big time. I wonder if it meant anything....it had to, right? :-) Justin's still pretty certain its a girl. We'll find out soon!

17 weeks

2009-10-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

18 more days until the big ultrasound!!!! Can you tell I'm excited?!?

I don't have a lot to say.....trying to stave off a bladder infection (again), and having food aversions now. Nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good.... ::sigh:: Wait, the only thing that sounds good ever are waffle fries/french fries. I'm not a huge french fry eater, but geez, I could seriously eat them all day now.

I went shopping over the weekend and stocked up on some clothes. The only problem is that I am having a hard time with shirts. I don't like the "traditional" maternity shirts, with the tie or the empire waist. I'm too short to look good in them, I think they make me look fat and like I'm trying too hard (to look pregnant). I also don't like the side ruching shirts. I like plain maternity shirts that look like normal shirts. I'm trying to maximize the trend of loose, flowy, drapey shirts and keep wearing regular shirts for awhile. I'm sure there might be a time when I don't have that option, but I hope that comes much, much later. Anyway, I got some things at Gap that I'm really excited to wear, I love the fact that they seem to be the only place I can find button down shirts for work that are normal looking!

I'm feeling quite large already. I'm sure I don't look *that* big, but so far, I'm feeling big. It's also getting uncomfortable...I think my organs are all being shoved around. Somedays I feel like my stomach is going to rip open Alien style.

(The shark tat wanted to make an appearance....it has been neglected lately.)

Whooohooooo!

2009-10-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to throw this out there. I am a genius and I know my husband all too well. ::grins::

Let me rewind. Last week, I asked Justin when he wanted to start working on the nursery and getting some ideas, maybe pricing some furniture. He said, "In a few months." I was a little miffed, so I brought up the fact that furniture could take a few months to come in--depending on what we pick out and from where. He grumbled and agreed to go look at some things on Sunday.

We went to Babies R Us (aka BRU) and Buy Buy Baby to look at some furniture and play with some of the carseats/travel systems to start to figure out what we like. He got a little more enthusiastic which was cute, but as I predicted, sticker shock sort of killed him. I was banking on using the desensitization method with him on the price of some of these items. I knew he was completely clueless as to how much some of this costs, so I thought it really would be better to get the shock over with now, versus 3 months from now when we (or really, HE) was ready to order or purchase some of this stuff. ::rubs hands together:: It was a genius idea I tell you. Pure genius. Because.........

This past Friday, on his own accord, he started browsing Craigslist for some baby things, being the cheapskate frugal person that he is. He found a PBK crib for uber-cheap (too cheap IMO) and made arrangements to go look at it that night. I was on my way home since I had got off work early and he asked if I wanted to meet up with him to look at baby stuff. Sure!!! He wanted to go see if the PBK store had this particular crib. They didn't, BUT, they did have my dream crib - the Larkin model that I've been drooling over for um, I think years now. Justin loved it. Unfortunately, he didn't love the $1,200 price tag...which I'm not a fan of either. I suggested we go to another baby store to look at some more furniture. That place was nice, a little expensive as well, and the stuff that was on sale didn't get great reviews in Baby Bargains. So we went over to BRU and then over to Buy Buy Baby.....where we purchased a nursery set.

I didn't even poke and prod. He got super excited about this one set and I thought it was nice as well. I liked another line a little bit more, but this one was probably a close second anyway, and if he is excited about it and loves it, I won't put up a fight. I know when to pick and choose my battles. I wasn't aware that he was quite ready to buy, but he sat down and signed on the dotted line and we walked out of there as new owners of a set of nursery furniture! We went with the Bonavita Peyton line. Bonavita gets an "A-" in Baby Bargains and they seem to be stingy with their A's. I love the color (Espresso) and the style is nice and simple. We bought the crib, the combo (low dresser to be used as changing table), hutch for the combo, the 5-drawer dresser, and the nightstand. Whew! Oh and we got a crib mattress. :-)

Here's a picture of basically most of what we got:

We just need to find a glider/recliner now and we'll have all the furniture already. I have a feeling the nursery might end up being my favorite room in the house. Justin's so excited about putting the crib together and he's gotten all gung ho all of a sudden about getting ready for the baby. We still have almost six months! But I'm not going to complain because I'd rather have him this way than procrastinating.

Cute thing he said today: "If the baby is a girl, we should put up one of those princess chandeliers in there." Now I don't know what he's picturing, it might be a little gawdy for me as I wasn't planning on it, but I thought that was sweet that he's thinking about decor...and the fact that if its a girl, he's planning on treating her like a princess. I just said, "We'll have to see if it fits in with whatever we end up doing."

On the actual baby front, I had an appointment this past Thursday. The heartbeat had slowed down to 160 bpm, so not much but slightly. I got my flu shot. Best news is that we scheduled the "big" anatomy ultrasound for......November 9th at 3 pm! Very exciting but time is crawling. I hadn't gained any weight since my last appointment, which seemed odd considering my food selection lately. The doc said, "You know, you can indulge a bit if you want." I said, "I have been!!!" She laughed. I'm not living on salads and crackers or anything like that.

Here's a pic from today, 15 weeks!

NT Scan

2009-09-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

Our NT Scan/1st Trimester Scan was last Thursday and it went great!

However, I think we already have a stubborn uncooperative child. I say that which much love though. :-) It will be entertaining!

Ultrasound went well, but the baby wouldn't get in the right position to get the measurement they needed for a good 40 minutes. They needed to measure a particular area on the back of the neck to measure the fluid there. It gave us more time to watch it wiggle around in there so that was fine. We got a wave as you'll see in the pictures. I think it was saying, "Hey guys looook at meeeee!"

Finally the tech had to bring the doctor in and he was able to get a measurement and it looked very good, just what they want to see. Best news is that the baby appears to be healthy and normal and growing. Yay!!!

The tech thinks its a girl, only because in her experience, the uncooperative ones usually turn out to be. I think its a girl because it seemed to be practicing ballet in there, it would jump up and do a little turn. Don't know where the dancing came from, mama has two left feet in that arena.

Anyway, I got the results yesterday and it came back negative, meaning we don't have an increased risk for Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 18 (I think that was what they tested). Sometimes they give you a number, but I didn't ask for any the specifics. No need to stress or overanalyze these results.

Anyway, my next appointment is on October 1, but its just a "normal" appointment. With these bladder infections, I've been bugging them so I've made it a goal to not have to call or go in until then. I guess we'll talk about getting the "big" ultrasound scheduled and I am VERY excited for that. We'll see how good my gut instinct really is....and if we'll have to scramble for a boy's name.

Either way, I'm just thrilled to be pregnant. There was a time there that I really doubted that I'd get to experience any of this....even if after I had the surgery that was going to supposedly fix everything. I also think this last time made it become a lot more real for Justin. He's been over the moon and so sweet and so excited about the baby ever since the scan. I think that because it "finally" looked like a real baby that cemented it for him.

Here are some pics of our little guy or girl!

12 Weeks, 2 Days

2009-09-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

Nothing new to report, other than I think today, I am finally feeling better.

I went back to the doctor yesterday because I still had a fever and had a lot of back pain, plus my bladder STILL felt the size of an acorn. They didn't do anything other than insist the meds should work and told me to take the rest of the day off yesterday and take today off to lie around and drown myself drinking water. Oh and to call my urologist to "log" this one in my records with him (that I had 2 bladder infections in 3 weeks in the first trimester) and make sure he agrees with the treatment plan.

So, I have done as instructed. :-) It's been nice.

And, I am feeling better. Haven't had any "out of the ordinary" back pain and I've drank a lot of water.

Here's a belly pic from today:

NT Scan is Thursday morning and I have an appointment with my urologist Friday morning. Should be uneventful since I'm feeling better, but I'm following directions.

I hate my bladder

2009-09-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

So this past Thursday morning, I woke up at about 2 am in excrutiating pain. All too familiar pain too, just like a UTI or bladder infection. I didn't get much sleep the rest of the morning, plus there was bright red blood when I wiped. I was freaking out.

Called the dr as soon as they opened, they had me come in first thing. Turns out, I have ANOTHER bladder infection. They pulled out the doppler and found the baby's hb right away, at 170 bpm just like the previous week. NP took a look up in there and there was no blood in my vag, nor any around my cervix and she poked and prodded it and nothing happened that wasn't supposed to. She thinks the blood was coming from my bladder.

Anyway, I took the rest of the day off to recoup some sleep time and to settle down since I was almost in tears in the morning. I have meds to clear up this second infection (in three weeks mind you) and am now placed on preventative (hopefully they work, fingers crossed!) meds for the duration of my pregnancy to try and not get any more.

It's weird, that I was fine for a few weeks and then BAM. They suspect its because of the way the ute is growing, that my bladder must be in a different spot and its hard to empty it in that position. I hope that it all gets rearranged to where it needs to be and that the meds work and I don't have to put up with this anymore. Can you believe it, I am pregnant, but I can still blame my ute for causing some problems. I'd say this is a good problem.....but....its a little tough to put this in the good category since its not very pleasant.

Anyway, in other "news", as of Thursday's doctor appointment I'm up 4 pounds. I'm dealing with headaches every.single.day. Our NT Scan is the 17th and I'm excited as to have another peek at the baby. I hope everything comes out fine, I'm not really worried, but I'm sure there's always a possibility. Current craving for the week is french fries. I don't really like french fries but they sound amazing. Any kind of french fries. I'm getting so close to being out of the first trimester, I'm really excited. I'm hoping the second trimester is as good as everyone says it is, considering that there is another human growing inside. This going to bed at 8-9 pm is really getting old. Poor Justin has been so bored.

I leave you with a belly pic from earlier this past week at 11 weeks, 2 days. I'm convinced already I'm going to be huge.

Maternity Pants!!

2009-09-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

Well, normal pants got very uncomfortable for me last week. Sunday, we went shopping and got me some maternity pants and I think I might have found not only maternity pants, but pants I might just wear permanently. Hello no button and no zipper, I love you so!

These work pants I got feel like I'm wearing pajama pants that just happen to look like dress/work pants. I'm so in love.

Unfortunately, I dropped $550 and felt like I didn't get very much. I think its Old Navy.com from here on out. We only have 2 stores in the Austin area that carry the maternity line and the one I went to on Sunday was just garbage. Two racks basically. Not a big selection. I got 2 pairs of work pants (that I think are very nice and I really like them), a skirt for work, a really cute brown sweater dress (if fall ever comes here), a pair of Buffalo jeans, and 3 shirts. I think that's it. I've got some loose baggy fit shirts that should work for a while, but the way my midsection is expanding, I don't know how long I've got!

I did try on a huge "realistic" (as the sales lady said) bump that is what I might look like at 8-9 months and both Justin and I cringed. It was scary. I'm so short, it looked really awful. I hope it doesn't turn out like that.

I do miss my flat belly already. I feel like because this was sort of unexpected (yes, even though we were "ttc", I didn't think it would happen on its own), I didn't get to say goodbye. I was bloated when I got the BFP. Here's a pic from today, 10 weeks, 2 days.

I'm getting more comfortable with being pregnant and trying to worry less. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last week, thankfully. I'm just so ready to have this baby already. We went to visit our friend's newborn baby on Sunday and I didn't want to put him down. I'm more than ready for our very own little one. I think it made me more excited and if I already wanted to fast forward to March, its so much stronger now. I'm attempting to try to keep myself busy with worrying about other baby-related things--but good worrying--like thinking of names, looking at nursery pictures online, thinking about parenting scenarios, thinking of how to prepare the pups. I'm trying to enjoy this in-between time.

I have an appointment on Thursday, I'm not sure why, I guess its useful now as they need to see if my bladder infection has cleared up. I don't know if they're going to try to hear the heartbeat, my uterus is tilted backwards so everyone's been telling me to NOT expect to hear it early. I'm preparing myself to not be able to hear it yet, no need to stress more. It would be a pleasant surprise if we can though!

Pandas

2009-08-28T15:38:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd take this opportunity of getting off work a little early to explain the panda in my sig on the Nest/Bump.

This little guy is Xi Lan. He lives at the Atlanta Zoo. We went to visit him in June.

He was about 10 months old at the time and look at him!!! So freakin' adorable. I was standing in the little viewing area snapping photos while one of the zoo volunteers was spouting information off about Giant Pandas. The thing that jumped out at me (and hit home) was that pandas can only get pregnant once a year and they have about a two day window to do so. ONCE A YEAR. Are you kidding me? That's worse than human chances...no wonder these cuties are majorly endangered. The good news is that it does happen for them. Little Xi Lan up there is proof, as is his older sister. (There also was a new panda born recently at the San Diego Zoo.)

I put him in my siggy, 1) because he is adorable and 2) that if pandas somehow manage to get knocked up with seemingly worse chances, dammit, so can us infertiles. He went up the week we got back from Atlanta, which was the week that the miracle cycle started. Call it coincidence, but I think he's my lucky charm.

I have a newfound respect and love for pandas! Giraffes and sharks used to have my heart, but pandas are right up there now. You might even see me with a new panda tattoo in a couple years. ;-)

9 Weeks and 2 Days

2009-08-25T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry for slacking on the updates. I think I've hit the "feel like crap" stage of pregnancy. Overall, everything is fine and believe me, I am more than grateful to have symptoms.

I had some spotting on the 14th that really scared me. It was bright red drops when I would wipe, but luckily it seemed to end as quickly as it began. They still put me on pelvic rest for the weekend and had me come in first thing on Monday. I saw the nurse practioner, she took a look inside, and proclaimed that everything appeared to be fine and my cervix was closed as it should be. I've been spotting off and on since, but its been mere specks...nothing heavier or as bad as it was the first time I saw it. I've been trying not to stress about it, but regardless, I don't like to see it.

I had my first "official" OB appointment on Thursday, it was uneventful. They drew some blood, did another pee test (which was still positive) and ordered another ultrasound for the following day because of the spotting.

Here's a belly pic from last Thursday, 8 weeks and 4 days.

I think the nausea really kicked in last week. Most mornings I can't stand to drink water...usually not until 2 pm does it sound even remotely appealing. I think the nurse on Monday jinxed me because she asked about the nausea, which wasn't bad, and said, "Oh well if you haven't had much by now, you probably won't have much more!" Yeah. If that's not a jinx I don't know what is.

Anyway, the ultrasound Friday went wonderfully, we could see SOMETHING in there, something more than a blob!!! The baby's heartbeat was up to 180 bpm, a little over a week after it was at 153 bpm last ultrasound. And it's still growing! Here's some pictures:

Well, that's all I have energy to post today. I have my next appointment next Thursday (3rd) and I think I'm coming out to work next week! EEEEKKK!! :-)

Saw the Heartbeat!!!!

2009-08-12T20:47:00.000-05:00

I had another ultrasound today as the doc wanted me to come back so they could better date the pregnancy. I saw the sac on the screen as soon as they reached it, it had definitely gotten bigger. We got to see a little flicker on screen and it was the most incredible thing. I could have watched it all day. It was measuring 153 bpm, which they said was about average for how far along I am.

I was measuring right at 7 weeks, 3 days, as previously thought based on my LMP, not a week behind anymore, which is great! I can be out of 1st Tri faster!

Not the greatest pic ever, but on-screen I could see it very clearly.

I've discovered that brushing my teeth is a bit of a challenge. I dry heaved over the sink the other morning, which was unpleasant. I've tried to be very careful since then about my technique and that seems to have helped. I'm varying degrees of nauseous in the mornings, I haven't thrown up yet though. It seems that when I get over the nausea hump, I seem to be incredibly hungry for just about anything and everything. Everything sounds delicious! It's created a bit of a dilemma trying to decide where to go for lunch. I'm worried I'm going to be that girl that gains 100 pounds. I'm already a little afraid to step on a scale. The good news is that I don't have a sweet tooth, so I'm not filling up on junk. My real craving lately has been a sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffin, which I haven't indulged yet, but by God I could have one now.

My biggest problem is just fatigue. I'm worn out from Roatan last week and we have company coming this weekend. I need to try to pick up the house, but I can't get off the couch tonight. I feel so lazy, but seriously, I can't function after I leave work.

I will leave you with a current belly pic. I am so bloated I have few pants that fit right now.

Happiness is the feeling you're feeling when you want to keep feeling it. ~Author Unknown

Ultrasound Results

2009-07-30T17:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had my very first pregnancy ultrasound! There is a sac in the uterus, not in my tube!! I was beyond thrilled. My beta level rose to 7930 as well.

I was a little nervous when they didn't use the vag cam, but I guess we were just looking for a sac and weren't trying to date anything or see a heartbeat, they felt that the "normal" gizmo would work. I was surprised that it did, but the tech spotted the sac right away, right where it should be.

The one unsettling thing is that the sac was only measuring 4 and a half weeks. Based on my LMP, I thought I was more close to 5 and a half weeks. So great, they think I'm due a week later than what I thought, so maybe another week of 1st Tri! I guess I shouldn't worry about it if my levels are rising normally. At least, I try not to. I hope that maybe its just so small and they didn't get a good enough reading because they didn't use the vag cam. The ultrasound doctor wants to see me back August 12 to try to date the pregnancy then. It's a little frustrating to not have a due date, but I just hope the little one is growing and growing as well as can be expected. I don't think its possible that I didn't ovulate until the 10-15th, I just don't.

They want me to have another beta in the morning before we leave for Roatan on Sunday just for added reassurance. I've been a little nervous about the trip, but now that I know I shouldn't have a bursting tube, I've been feeling a lot better. I'm also nervous that because they wanted another beta, that they feel something might be wrong and aren't telling me. I would hope they'd prepare me for the worst. I've never known anyone to get four betas before. Maybe they are just taking me seriously like I wanted them to when I first called about the BFP.

I feel like time is crawling. I'm trying not to be stressed and trying to think very positive thoughts. I just want to be sure that this is going to be our miracle that we've waited for--I never imagined it would be so nervewracking. My symptoms seem to come and go. I get nauseous from time to time, things don't taste like I think they should, but no real morning sickness or food aversions yet. My boobs are extremely sore and I still have heartburn, so I'm going to celebrate that things still seem fine. :-) And the peeing! It's like my bladder shrank in the past week. It's possibly because that I'm so thirsty I'm drinking so much water, but man, that came on immediately.

I don't care. I'll take it. I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise, but I hope this little baby is nice and comfy in there. So far, so good!

(Gosh it seems so surreal to say. I don't know that its sunk in yet. It's starting to, but still sounds crazy.)

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.-- Orison Marden.

5 Weeks

2009-07-27T19:48:00.000-05:00

So far (knock on wood), I feel pretty good. I had a spell of nausea this morning, but it went away after lunch. The worst thing today was the bloating. I didn't feel this "chubby" on Saturday, but man did it come in today. I've been battling headaches most of all. It's probably from caffiene withdrawals. They aren't bad and since I can still function, I don't really want to take anything. I can tough it out. And yes, I know a little caffiene here and there is ok. I allow myself one soda a day. I'm not a coffee drinker, so Coke/Pepsi are my vices. This morning, I didn't finish the can as I was nauseous and it wasn't sitting right.

The cramping is going away, I hope that's just normal and maybe the ute made enough room for now. I'm so scarred from this whole infertile experience that I want every symptom possible, but then I wonder if every twinge or borderline pain is normal. Thankfully the sharp pains do come and go and really are few and far between. I try to tell myself the nausea is a good sign; that this is "real", but it still worried me a bit because that's what I feel on CD1 usually....when I'm definitely NOT pregnant. I just want to be out of the 1st Trimester and I just want to know that everything is progressing normally and as well as can be expected with the baby. This is scary stuff.

Wednesday can't come soon enough. I really hope we can see the sac and give me peace of mind before we go to Roatan that its in the right spot. Justin and I have both had dreams that we can clearly see a sac in the uterus, so I really hope our inclinations are right.

Anyway, 90% of our family and friends already know. Justin's so excited that he can't contain himself. I don't blame him, we've waited 2 years for this, it's hard not to scream it from the rooftops. I'm much more cautious though and I hate that I probably come across to some people as not very excited. I'm just praying that you knowing doesn't jinx anything. Everyone has been thrilled and acted so happy and so supportive, it makes me feel so grateful for them and on the other hand feel so bad and guilty that because of my sadness, I probably was pretty distant at times. Everyone wants updates and promises to pray for good outcomes and hey, the extra prayers never hurt anyone, right? Besides, I'm sure people would find out next week while in Roatan as it would hard to hide it for a week. I know I'd be hit from every angle. "Jen, why aren't you going scuba diving? You were so excited about it last week." "Jen, don't you want a pina colada?" "Jen, don't you want some rum?" Yeah. It would be tough to cover up. Anyway, I hope that the only news we give people is more great news from here on out!

Here's a shot from today. Like I said, I wasn't bloated like this a couple days ago! It's crazy how things change already.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore

I might just believe in miracles!

2009-07-24T15:41:00.001-05:00

Well, as most of you probably know.....I saw this on Tuesday night. CD 30 of Cycle #29.

I was floored. I dipped the test in the cup, washed my hands, went to the bedroom to grab my phone and note the time. I was going to wait the full 3 minutes as the directions state, but I thought I'd see yet another plain old single line on the test so I figured a peek wouldn't hurt.

I peeked....and there were two lines there right away...and a very dark test line. I started shaking and couldn't breathe so I had to sit down. I called Justin because he was conveniently in Houston to let him know.

Me: "Holy sh!t....there are two lines."

Him: "Is that good?"

Me: ::face palm:: "Yes it's good. I'm pregnant."

Him: "OMG that's amazing!!"

I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I was so shaken up...in a good way of course.

Let's back up a bit now. Last week, I thought was like any other PMS-y week. I was tired, grumpy, crampy, and had started spotting as usual. I spotted a bit on Wednesday and a bit on Thursday, but then it stopped and completely went away. I noticed that was odd. I expected AF to arrive on Saturday since my last couple cycles had been 26 days...that would have been CD26. Well, Saturday came and went with only cramps, nothing else. Odd. Usually cramping is accompanied by spotting for me....but I've so given up on the whole TTC thing that I didn't even consider the alternative. I just assumed AF was just messing with me at a nice convenient time, especially since we were leaving for Roatan in two weeks and I wanted her out before Justin's birthday this Friday. Sunday....nothing. Monday....nothing. I joked with Justin that maybe I was pregnant. Tuesday....I felt like AF was arriving at any second all day. I kept going to the bathroom....nothing. I thought it wouldn't hurt to pick up a test....Justin was asking me to anyway. He was a POAS pusher all evening via text...I kept putting it off because I figured it would just be negative, again.

Well, it wasn't. I never in a million years imagined this would happen without any help. Of course, I'm freaked out that its made itself cozy up in my good tube. If what the RE was saying is true, I can't believe it might be in the right spot. It will be a miracle if it is, but I already think that its a miracle there's something going on in my ute after 29 cycles.

I went for b/w Wednesday morning, my progesterone was 30 (which they said was super) and my beta was 543. I broached the ectopic subject with the nurse I spoke to and she blew me off a bit, which I didn't appreciate.

Yesterday I made the mistake of googling ectopic pregnancies and that was a really bad idea. I ended up freaking myself out. Two of the four major risk factors are endometriosis and tubal issues (blocked, damaged, misshapen, etc.) They did say that a pretty telling sign would be the beta not doubling, and the progesterone would be a lot lower. I think only 13% of pregnancies with a progesterone level of over 25 turn out to be ectopic. So there are good things going for me, but some bad things too.

We've had a vacation planned to Roatan for months now and there is not an emergency room on the island. I don't need my good tube to burst while I'm there. This wasn't the best time for me to get knocked up, but I don't even care. I'll take it.

Today, I went in for my second beta and turns out it didn't double, it tripled in 48 hours! It was 1699. Even I was impressed. I was just shooting for 1000. That makes me feel a lot better with the strong showing of the levels and can breathe a little bit more. The nurse I spoke to today was fabulous and was concerned about my concerns so she got me another beta for next Wednesday and got me in for an early ultrasound to try to rule out an e/p. If I can clear this massive hurdle, I swear I will settle down and breathe and try to enjoy this.

I couldn't even tell you when I ovulated, that's how much I had given up. Usually I've at least been monitoring my CM to get a general idea of when I O'd. I thought I ovulated prior to 4th of July weekend, however it could have been after. I definitely couldn't tell you when we conceived either! Not a clue.

I hate to beg, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that the little one is in the right spot. I desperately want this so bad, I don't know when we might get another chance.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

I am in Infertile Hell

2009-04-30T17:57:00.000-05:00

I can't take it anymore.

I'm about to start to hyperventilate...which is demonstrative of how bad I can't take it anymore. Or seriously about to just up and leave work.

2 of my coworker's wives are/were pg. Baby #1 was born 4 weeks ago tomorrow (I won the baby pool we had here), baby #2 is coming any day now. Hopefully next Thursday, but that's beside the point. (Although, how ironic would it be for the infertile to win both baby pools?)

Well, said coworker's know about 11 other people that were due right around now and I sit outside one of their offices (down the hall from the other, which is just like sitting right outside because he's loud) and hear all the baby conversations. Its not only chatting with their new parent/about-to-be-new parent buddies, but coworker #1 talks about the baby and coworker #2 talks about the baby they are about to have to our business associates too. Out of all these baby conversations, I've heard them mention IF treatments very vaguely in reference to only one couple out of the bazillion others. I can tell they obviously don't know much about IF and it takes every bone in my body to not open my mouth and correct them.

I must hear about 5-6 HOURS worth of baby conversations in a given day lately--between people here in the office and them talking to other people on the phone. Today, both cw AND his wife sent me baby pictures.

I feel like I've really been such a trooper about the whole ordeal the past couple months but with the excitement a new baby AND a labor watch going this week, I really can't handle it. If this doesn't die down soon, I'm going to need to be committed...straightjacket and all. My method of coping has been to pretend to just not be interested in babies, which has of course has me coming across as a bit of a baby-hater. If they only knew that the real reason is I'm uninterested is because that its KILLING me. I'm seriously on the verge of tears typing this.

I need some distractions to keep me busy until August. I also think I need to somehow devise a way to work from home until then. :-(

I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people . -Grey's Anatomy

We have a plan!

2009-04-28T20:44:00.000-05:00

First of all, I wish this blog was more exciting. I wish I could entertain the 4 or 5 of you that might actually read this with belly pics or ultrasound photos or pictures of the nursery. Sorry!

Alright, the plan that Justin and I agreed upon.....

We're going to Roatan the first week of April. As soon as we get back (and as soon as we can get it scheduled), I'll have a lap to fix my tube. We will do ONE "Hail Mary" cycle, unless the RE is convinced he did the trick. Then we are moving on to whatever Dr. V thinks can work, short of IVF for now.

Hey, at least its a plan right?

After some arguing and some pondering, that is what we agreed upon. This way, I should be able to scuba dive in Roatan, which long story, is the only reason I care to go at this point. I'm so excited to finally have a opportunity to move forward. It looks like Justin and I will both keep our jobs and make it through this shitstorm that is the economy. ::knocks on wood:: I now need to be distracted for the next 4 months.

I've been training for a 5K, so I have something to work towards and to focus on, rather than my misery. I don't have one in mind, but I figure I'll get comfortable with the distance and when one comes up, I'll sign up. :-)

My quote for this entry is a little random, but the reason it came to mind is because I actually have this old school song on my "Workout" playlist. I downloaded a lot of '90s rap to run to because it gets me going. It brings back memories of working out in high school, back when I could actually kick some ass, and brings back just happy memories...when things were simple and I thought I knew it all. I heard this today and it made me chuckle, I think that maybe 2pac did have an excellent point. Haha!

"There's gonna be some stuff you gonna see that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit." --2pac, Smile

I can't believe I've been neglecting this

2009-04-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

I apologize.

I just wanted to say that we were a "Featured Couple" on TheBump.com last week.

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/ttc_stories/archive/2009/04/08/jennifer-l-923-s-ttc-story.aspx

We were chosen because we're awesome. Seriously though, I'm not sure why.

I need to get better about blogging.

There's not much new with me other than I did discover that our insurance will cover the lap to fix my tube!!! YAY!!!

The only thing holding me back though is this economy. I'm still nervous about my job and the state of things. I work in real estate finance....what two sectors have been hit pretty damn hard? Yeah, real estate and finance. :-(

Today though as I was leaving, my boss actually seemed enthused and encouraged that things are going to start to turn up here soon. That is fantastic! Not only did I have to take a pay cut off of my salary, which is worth it to simply keep my job, but because transaction bonuses make up about 50% of my total package and we've been dead--my income has taken a hit. We've made some cuts and have been really good about socking money away and paying down our debt....just in case.

I sure hope things do turn around. I'd feel better about my job, I'd feel better about having my surgery and moving forward!

Worst Blogger Ever!

2008-10-22T15:30:00.000-05:00

That's me!

I haven't been blogging, even though I really need to. I've been dealing with lots of things in my head, when I really should be writing about them to get them OUT of my head.

The husband and I have been having a really rough time lately and it has been mostly my fault. I feel awful about it. I 'm in this miserable depressed funk inside and outside I can fake it for only so long before the facade crumbles. I'm trying to come to terms with the possibility that we might not have children for awhile...regardless of whether we choose to move forward with treatments or choose to go the adoption route.

I don't think that people understand how this makes a person feel. Scratch that, I KNOW that people don't understand. It sure looks simple from the outside, but now in the throes of IF, I realize that it's not black and white anymore.

I don't wish infertility on anyone, I would never want someone to go through wanting something so badly and not being physically able for it to happen. What I wish for is a little more understanding, rather than implying that we who suffer from IF are raging lunatics. (I'll admit, I have my moments!) Other than a long line of expletives I could choose to shout, I don't think those people will ever see my side. In fact, I hope you don't ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

I think we feel bad enough as it is that we can't help but feel a little less than 100% overjoyed when someone else announces that they are pregnant. I would give anything to change that! You know what sister, it doesn't happen overnight. Why can't I have the right to feel a twinge of jealousy? Why can't I have the right to wonder "When's it my turn?"? Why can't I have the right to wonder why x, y, and/or z hasn't worked for me? None of those take away in my mind from the joy I do truly feel about some one's announcement--I'm glad that they get what they wanted. If the roles were reversed, I would EXPECT them to feel the same pangs and twinges and have those same thoughts. What most people won't understand is that you aren't necessarily grieving for what you don't have....you're sad about what may never be.

The dichotomy of these feelings are confusing - the fact that you can be happy for someone yet sad for yourself at the same time. It's possible and I know that it's not something that qualifies me for a "crazy" label. I have a laundry list of other issues that just may certainly make me a contender, but not this.

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
- Voltaire

I've been tagged!

2008-09-10T13:35:00.000-05:00

PMarie tagged me. Shame on you. ;-) You'll now be spanked. And you'll have to like it.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each peron you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

6 random things about me:
1. I hate bananas.
2. I love chocolate chip cookies.
3. I'm somewhat terrified of flying.
4. I sleep with pit bulls and I like it. (Don't think anything dirty...that's gross!)
5. I love the Twilight series and feel like the biggest dork.
6. I'm not listening to the conference call I should be listening to right now.

Tagging:
Joyco
TXAggieBride06
LeahB
Chrys
Adkins
MrsMayT

Breakdown

2008-08-17T22:30:00.000-05:00

I had a major "Category 5" breakdown the other night. It was one of those long overdue breakdowns....where you just can't hold it in anymore.

I was trying to get what I could (if you know what I mean) since DH was going out of town on his boys trip over the weekend. I couldn't get in the mood, I was ridiculously on edge and already about to crack from the pressure. Midway through, I lost it. I just started bawling--ugly, ugly, ugly tears. I'm so frustrated with forcing sex, with not enjoying it because we've had it for five straight days and I'm tired. For 16 cycles, I feel like we've been trying so hard and in vain. I'm exhausted because I feel like every month is a failure.

I feel like such a putz, I shouldn't complain about having sex with my husband--whom I love and adore. And I'm fine other times of the month! It's just around ovulation time that I just can't let myself enjoy it. I think that my brain has made this awful correlation between sex and disappointment. DH was so good about it. He usually just gets very uncomfortable when I have a ridiculously random outburst, but he put his arms around me and just listened.

As I talked through everything that was wrong, I realized that I just need to let go. I'm putting so much pressure on me and on us. I was angry because there is no way that we can afford to take the next recommended step -- surgery and then maybe --IVF. All our money is tied up in investments that we can't cash out of. I was angry because our insurance won't cover it for us. I'm angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm angry because I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I was angry because its not fair. I was angry because I wouldn't have gotten a new tattoo had I been knocked up right now! (I'll get to that later) I need to let go. I need to trust that this will all work out the way it should.

If you stalk my shitty chart, I regret to inform you that I am putting the thermometer away. I want to put the CBEFM away, but you may need to pry that little gizmo out of my cold dead hands. Since I ovulate all over the place, my LP has been pretty consistent since the surgery so it would be nice to have a general idea of when my period will arrive. The CBEFM only gets used for at most 10 days out of the month. However, it probably will not be used to time sex. Timing isn't the problem...I am convinced now after 6 months of the most perfect timing ever. We're just going to go with the flow. If we want to, we will, if we don't, no pressure. I need a break to save my sanity.

So there you go....until further notice, we are on a TTC break. I need to breathe. Of course we're going to continue to "try", just not so hard. We're going to Vegas to see some family at the end of the month and then we're going to Mexico for our anniversary. I'm very excited for both those trips, I know they will be good for me. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging. ::wink::

"When we come to the edge of all that we know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure: either God will provide something to stand on or we will be taught how to fly."

Sunday Service

2008-07-27T18:28:00.000-05:00

I was raised Catholic, I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until my junior year of college, when i transferred from a private Catholic university to a public university in my home state. That's about 15 years of Catholic School!! I've been bombarded and inundated with their belief system and you can imagine that cramming that down one's throat can cause a lot of internal conflict some of the time.

Anyway, today we went to mass as usual and were ecstatic to see that our favorite priest of the time being was going to performing mass. He's definitely younger, and you can tell in his messages. He says a lot of things that the "traditional" Catholic Church probably wouldn't love. His homily had three wonderful messages that I just needed to hear today. I think that someone was trying to tell me something, and I think I heard loud and clear.

Today's topic was about the Kingdom of Heaven and how you need to open your heart and your mind to see it all around you. I won't bore you with all the details, but here are the three things that stood out to me:

1) You could go to church every day and just "go through the motions" but its not going to put you any further ahead. You have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to open your heart. (I've believed this for YEARS, but no one has ever confirmed my thoughts.) He said, sure, going through the rituals is a nice start to open your relationship with God, but it shouldn't be all there is to it.

2) God is not a vending machine. God isn't going to up and give you what you want, just because you ask for it. He doesn't give you things. He's not going to give you the car you want, your dream job, he's not going to magically drop a husband/wife into your lap, nor a child. (This confirmed my inkling that God doesn't care what happens in specific uteri.)

3) God wants us to be happy. (You don't know how comforting that was to me.)

I trust with all my heart that God does want me to be happy.

I know that most people who haven't been through IF don't understand how much some little offhand comments about receiving a "gift" from God or being "blessed" can sting. Is God looking down at our houses saying "Sorry, ask again later." like Magic 8 Ball? I believe that God doesn't get involved in deciding who gets pregnant and who doesn't. No one is more blessed or deserves it more than the next person in God's eyes. It's all relative.

"I asked for strength...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom...and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity...and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage...and God gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for patience...and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait. I asked for love...and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors...and God gave me opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, he gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted. I received everything I needed. My prayer has been answered."

Disclaimer

2008-07-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

If you're reading this....it's *probably* not you who I'm venting about below. Just to avoid any paranoia, I thought I'd better say that.

I hate things such as....

2008-07-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

1) Being an attention whore and forcing everyone to wonder when you're going to pee on something aka (POAS Watch). Seriously. We don't need the drama leading up to your positive or negative pregnancy test. Pee on something. THEN tell us what the result is. 9 times out of 10, if you're asking IF you should test, you're probably itching to test anyway, regardless of any input. Ooohh or baiting with a symptom, such as being tired, peeing a lot, being nauseous (hey welcome to my world). So just test. Get it over with. THEN tell people. I'll admit, when people ask, I sometimes have encouraged them to test--after glancing at their charts and comparing them to previous cycles. But sometimes I've also suggested that they should wait. What's funny is people get very irritated when you try to talk some sense into them! I don't mind BFP announcements, when I see one from someone I "know", I'll be happy to offer congratulations. I'm very happy for them. POAS Watches to me are equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. And please please please don't post pictures of your pee stick. Yuck.

2) I hate that AF symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are *so* similar. I wish there was some magic light outside your uterus that would go off the moment of implantation that would just definitively tell you--without having to think about it....without having to go days more of wondering.

3) I hate that there is such a thing as infertility. I hate that TTC can't be a level playing field. I hate that having no trouble getting pregnant once doesn't mean that it can be so easy again. I am fine with having a range, saying everyone should conceive in 1-12 months. That would be fine. Understandably, some people would get knocked up right off the bat and that it would take others some time....I'd be thrilled with that. As long as everyone who wants one would get one (or two!) My heart breaks for those that can't even have one.

4) Pill pushing doctors. Hopefully this is self explanatory.

5) People that don't understand how their own body works. Or...those that don't need to.

6) Blocked tubes.

7) Crappy infertility insurance coverage. Boo hiss!

I love things such as.....

1) Having one of the world's most supportive husbands. I don't need to elaborate, I can't convey it in words.

2) Having two of the world's most supportive families, including extended families.

3) Getting crosshairs in Fertility Friend. For some reason, it brings so much gosh darn satisfaction!

4) Those who appreciate how lucky they are and how good they have it.

That's about all I can think of, and isn't that sad?

Anyway, update on me is that I'm 4DPO and my right boob hurts like a mo fo. Don't ask me what's up with that. I think the husband will be out of town this next cycle, so we're praying and hoping for a miracle. They happen to people every day....why can't one happen to me? This one?

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parent to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic...against all experience...like children....we never give up hope." -Grey's Anatomy

Sixteen

2008-07-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

My chart taunted me earlier this month. And I should have known better....and I let it get my hopes up. My temps were higher than usual...and then they dipped. Monday, the day that stupid Fertility Friend wanted me to test, my temp spiked again! I totally actually for a few minutes thought, "Holy shit...this could be it!" So I tested and of course, "big fat holy hell no way are you pregnant" is what the test said to me. But then again, I expected it. So I went another 2 days past my usual LP...which is good news I guess, but still....big FAIL for cycle 15.

I started cycle 16 today and am hating being a woman. I felt so nauseous this morning that I called in sick to work. I have never called in sick for "lady troubles" but I couldn't force myself in. Part of it was probably mental and just the frustration of the past week had built up and just crushed me again. I was all ready to go, took the dogs potty, put them upstairs in their crates, and then started sweating like I was about to lose my cookies and started dry heaving. This is pretty miserable. The only thing that makes me feel better (other than crying) is eating...which in the long run...isn't good when you're trying to lose 10 pounds!

Today I'm sad, I'm sad not only for myself but everyone who is subjected to TTC-ing too long. It's not fair. There are some wonderful, wonderful women going through this and I know they will be amazing mothers. Yet there are women, girls sometimes, getting knocked up everyday that aren't ready for this, that won't make half as great mothers as some of these women. You can't help but question why this is. I'm so grateful (pretty sure my husband is too because I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about it all the time) that I've found a great support group from some women on the Nest. They get it. They know the same hurt, the same sadness, the same things I think day in and day out. I hope someday we all end up at the same place because there must be a reason we all are walking down the same road.

Speaking of going places together, we did all end up going to DisneyLand together...at least in spirit...thanks to Chrys! She put this on a shirt and rocked it for a picture there with our favorite Disney character, Ariel.

The only big news I have is that we are going to Mexico for our 2nd Anniversary in September! I'm super excited and its nice to finally have something to look forward too. :-)

I'm really going to try to get better at blogging. Really.

"When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones-- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up. As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don't lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end. Just keep your faith."

Sex and the City = Insensitive! (Spoiler)

2008-06-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

Overall, I'd say the movie was GREAT! I'll bar any "big" spoilers for you (no pun intended). I'd give the movie a solid B+. It would have scored an "A" in my book except for a comment/comments Charlotte made. I honestly cannot believe that SOMEONE didn't catch this and maybe change it up a bit or cut it out completely. It seems very insensitive of everyone and anyone involved with the whole production to me.

Anyone who has dealt with IF or any T-TTC would understand. There really must have not been ANYONE who had been through that working on the movie. I hate that it portrayed this urban legend that when you "relax" everything just magically happens. That's bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! I relaxed for about six months early on, we weren't even "trying". By that logic, I totally should have been knocked up long ago.

She throws out the relax comment and she says, "My doctor says that she knows a lot of people that his has happened to! After they stop thinking about it and adopt, they get pregnant." Ugh. I can't believe they went there.

Oooohhhh it jaded me for the rest of the movie. I had read about it beforehand though, so I was just waiting for it. And yup, absofuckinglutely pissed me off.

Bottom line, though, don't let it stop you from seeing it if you already hadn't! It was still as funny and as witty as ever.

A happy SATC quote: "We had each other and then we had you, and then we had everything. Love Mommy and Daddy." -From Season 4, Trey's inscription on the Tiffany silver rattle he ordered for Charlotte/their prospective baby

Numb

2008-05-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

Barring the results of my CD3 bloodwork, there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with us. My 7DPO bloodwork from last week checked out all fine. Husband's sperm are fine. A few aren't the prettiest, but overall there is no reason that they shouldn't be able to fertilize an egg. His count was even on the higher side! (Typical...when he does something sometimes he over does it. Heeheehee....)

Anyway, cycle 14 started a few days ago. It wasn't a surprise. At this point, its more expected than anything else. Who am I kidding, I can't get pregnant on my own anyway! It hurts, it hurts more and more every month. I can't cry anymore though, I think I used up the tears a few months ago, probably right around cycle 10 or 11. It's just a numbness I can't describe properly. Like you've hit yourself with a hammer one too many times and you can't feel it anymore.

My husband is starting to "get it" finally. A year after we stopped BCP, he's starting to understand. This is great, but now, I'm starting to feel inadequate. He's just as bummed as I am, ok, in all honesty, probably not AS bummed, but definitely bummed, when my period starts. He was so convinced that we had conceived this month, we did everything "right". Unfortunately, all those things are worthless when my own uterus is toxic to an embryo. He rubbed my belly and talked to whatever was going on in there. I can't give him a baby though, not right now. And I just don't understand why for some people, it has to be so hard and take so much work.

I teared up at church on Mother's Day. It really wasn't because I'm not a mother, it was because of what if I never get to be a mother. During the offeratory, they have baskets up at the altar to collect canned food donations and all the little children love to run up and put their can in the basket. I was watching all of them run back to their moms and dads with the biggest grins on their faces and their eyes fixated on their parents. Grins that said a million things behind them. I started to wonder if there will ever be a little child that looks at me like that, with so much happiness and joy and so much love to give. These days I'm not sure I'll ever be that lucky.

I'm bitter, I'm sad, and I'm disappointed. I can't concentrate on the rest of life. I feel like Meredith mentioned on Grey's Anatomy once, something to the effect of, "I'm so miserable, I can't be around normal people because I'm afraid I'll infect them". I try to remind myself of all I have to be thankful for on a daily basis. This week I'm thankful that the storms that came through our area Wednesday didn't cause any damage to our home or our cars.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday to see if I'm going to ovulate from the right ovary again. Here's to hope, right? Let the hoping and praying begin! Wish us luck and above all, wish that I can believe that miracles can happen to us.

"There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowards and afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter those words is God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is 'no'." -Desperate Housewives

Testing...1...2...3

2008-05-13T16:17:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday began the first round of our testing to see WHAT ELSE we could be up against, we were having his semen analysis and part of my bloodwork done. I think my husband had a little pent-up frustration you could say after our moratorium on sex for a few days. Actually, after the previous week, I think it would have happened anyway, however, you know how you want to do something only because you know you can't? Yeah, that made it a little difficult on BOTH of us.

Anyway, nothing exciting happened, I made it to the lab with the little cup in the RE issued brown paper bag without a hitch. I was worried I'd get caught in traffic or something else dramatic would foil our plans and we'd have to repeat the test much to our disappointment. I was a little embarrassed walking in with my little paper bag, but four vials of blood out of my right arm later, I had survived.

There was a pregnant girl in there with her boyfriend/husband/baby daddy whatever. They were dressed like Nirvana fans would in the early 90s or if we were in say, Seattle maybe? She was taking the glucose test and I heard her say something about having done that before. She couldn't have been older than I am, if so, not by much. So she possibly could have 2 kids or more and here I am, late in Cycle #13 and can't get pregnant.

Neigther one of them seemed very happy or excited -- maybe it was just a bad day, I don't know. In the hour I sat there, I didn't ever catch a single smile out of the two of them. I know its completely irrational to expect anyone pregnant to be estatic every minute of every day, but I don't know what drives me crazier - sad pregnant women, or obnoxiously happy pregnant women! I guess both are a punch to the babymaker in their own ways.

"But the struggles make you stronger...and the changes make you wise. And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time....life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride." - Gary Allen, Life Ain't Always Beautiful

This is GREAT!

2008-04-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

I came across this in another Nestie's blog, I can't believe I missed it on the boards. I want to post it over here so I can re-read it when I need to.

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: just relax and you’ll get pregnant, or adopt and you’ll get pregnant, of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan; maybe God never meant for you to have children. The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life? It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is; a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled. I’ve gained more compassion, deeper courage, greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice; I’ll say “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”

(Thanks MrsMeyer9206!)

Is Knowing Better than Not Knowing?

2008-04-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

Last week, we had our first RE appointment. I'm still not sure how I feel about the man, but oh well, his job is to get us pregnant, not tell me everything is fine and hold my hand. I was glad though to hear him say what I've been thinking the past couple weeks that the husband just.doesn't.get: "Something should have happened by now."

The good news....he agreed that I do ovulate on my own. The bad news...the blocked tube may be causing more problems than I was aware of. I naively thought that maybe when I was ovulating from the right side and now that the endo is cleared up, that my chances of getting pregnant were close to "normal". In reality, because of my blocked tube, that knocks my chances down to about 2/3 of what would be your normal 20% chance per cycle...assuming I ovulate from the right ovary. There's a good chance that there is fluid that can't drain out that side that is just washing back in to my uterus and either flushing things out or creating little "pools" of fluid in my uterine lining that make it difficult for an embryo to implant. That's a bummer. Even if the little egg gets fertilized, there is a possibility that it can't get all comfy and cozy for a nine month stay.

I don't know if its just my RE, but I feel like he's very aggressive...which maybe would be good if my two options weren't surgery to fix/remove the tube or IVF. I'm not quite fond of either idea just yet, mainly because I just had a laparoscopy not even two months ago for the endo. The husband isn't quite fond of the IVF idea because he's all about doing things "naturally". (Freaking hippie). We're going to back fill all the other testing that I haven't done to see what else we are dealing with but the RE sounds confident that everything else is fine. That means I don't know whether to smile or frown.

Today was meeting #2 with the RE to see what side I will ovulate on and the great news is that it will be on the right side! Our chance will be more than zero! Ahem, guess what we will be doing this weekend (wink, wink).

Anyway, now on to the normal hoping and praying for the next few weeks.

I think right now what I'm comfortable with, is that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the summer, we'll go forward probably with the surgery. In the long term, that may be our best bet. This is going to be our last summer sans a kiddo (not if...it will BE) and if I can enjoy my pina coladas, then I'm going to enjoy them and enjoy the last few months of being "just" a wife. I'll be a mommy someday...and for the rest of my life hopefully!

Side note: I just found out this past week that orchids are good fertility joojoo. Ummm, this baffles me. I first fell in love with orchids before our wedding and used them in what I could, I love, love, love them. I now have acquired two plants since we've been married and what is ironic about this whole "being good for fertility" is that 13 cycles later, I'm still not pregnant, and I am so botanically challenged that I'm beyond amazed that these are the only two plants that I have EVER been able to keep alive. Seriously. Any other potted plant anyone has ever given me, I have successfully killed.

Bloodwork to be done next Thursday along with the husband's semen analysis.

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true, but it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and it's enough to break your heart." -Nicholas Sparks

Cycle #13

2008-04-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

Here we are, a place that in a million years, never thought we'd be. We haven't hit the year mark, but because of my short whacko cycles have made it to 13 before May. I knew a year ago that we'd have some trouble...but I thought that meant we'd make it to 7, 8, maybe 9 before getting me knocked up. Boy, was I wrong.

I can't go into too much detail, I'm trying to write somewhat anonymously in the event someone we know stumbles across this but ten, fifteen, years ago - I didn't want kids. My brothers and sisters were born when I was eight. Yes, I used plurals. I was old enough to be the "helpful big sister"...I changed diapers, I fed bottles, I retrieved lost pacifiers. I think I must have changed more diapers in two years than more people change in their lifetimes. Anyway, I harbored a lot of bitterness, maybe not towards my parents or my brothers or sisters specifically, but towards just babies/kids in general. I couldn't go out and get a babysitting job like my friends did in jr. high and high school because well, I was needed at home. I was over the raising kids by the time I went away to college! Now, I'm like their younger hipper mom, and in some ways I have more affection for them in a motherly sort of way if that makes any sense. I'm so proud of the way they turned out and I think that's part of the reason I want kids now--look how great I helped them turn out! Anyway though, there was a period where the idea of babies or children that were spawned from me made me nauseous and wretchedly ill.

So, the original plan was to wait about 4 or 5 years to have kids. We both knew that we wanted them, we just didn't think we wanted them anytime soon. We both come from modest backgrounds and have been so fortunate to end up where we are at. We both ended up graduating from college with somewhat impressive degrees, we both have great jobs that probably pay a little too well for our ages, we've made some smart choices. Because my parents were busy raising our family and his parents were busy working on their college educations, we probably have a lot we need to that some other couples may already have achieved -- like we need to do some traveling and we need to do some saving (yeah, if that's not a conundrum how to do both). Come birthday #27, my clock started ticking. WTF did that come from? All of a sudden, I feel like an alarm went off loud and clear. The worst part was -- I kept trying to hit "snooze" and either I don't have one, its broken, or I kept missing the button. After multiple conversations and psyching ourselves up, we decide I can go off the Pill in May -- about 9 months into our wedding. We decide that you know, why not. We can give our kids the experiences that we didn't have and when we take vacations - a lot of times it will be the first for all of us and we can do it all together. Plus if we need to get away, his parents live in town and have made it more than clear that they were ready for grandchildren.

May, June, July, August go by. We were half-heartedly trying. I was charting, but we weren't using OPKs or anything. Looking back we had some damn good timed sex. But its ok...we weren't seriously TRYING. September brings our one year anniversary and the confidence that dammit, its going to be a great year. September, October, November goes by and I start to have a lot of spotting...oh well, everyone is entitled to a weird cycle every now and then and....well, I'm not pregnant by birthday # 28, but its ok. December, did I ovulate? Hmmm, what is going on now? I start to have ridiculously heavy periods...starting to last for 10 days or so. January, lots of spotting again. A call to the doctor confirms the suspicion I had started to have - I may have endometriosis. She thinks its worth having a laparoscopy to go in and see if there is anything going on in there that shouldn't be. Get it scheduled for early March. At this point, I'm convinced that I have it. It makes sense, my mom and cousin struggled with it.

Surgery is done and my worst fear is realized. I do have endo. Not only do I have endo, but I have a completely blocked left tube. A blocked tube. Meaning I have one tube that may work (and she said she can't guarantee that its in good condition). Because the tube on the left is shot, that ovary is worthless right now. I'm really sad about this. I have to ovulate from the right side to get pregnant, I have to have a tube in decent shape. Not only is the "normal" couple's chance of getting pregnant every month about 20% but what do you think these strikes make my chances? Not so hot. My gynocologist referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). She thinks that the endo will come back and that I either need to be pregnant or on hormone therapy (BCPs or other) to keep it at bay. She thinks that because we don't know how long that window is and because we've been at this for awhile with no luck, that its worth sending me to the RE. It took a couple days of crying because I never thought I'd have to do that, I always hoped that it wouldn't be me, it wouldn't be us.

I had high hopes for the first cycle after the lap. I hear that sometimes that is all some women with endo need - a little clearing out of things and they are as good as new. I decide to get hopeful and think that cycle #12 will be a success. Once again, I was notified that it wasn't. Here goes cycle #13 with our RE appointment on Thursday. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm sad. I know that 12 cycles pales in comparison with those that have been trying for 18, 24 plus cycles. I know that I'm not *there* yet, but there is already this ache in my heart. I'm worn out - emotionally & physically. I don't know that I can take another month of getting my hopes up and being let down again. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, I know by now...but I can't help it. There's always the "what if this was it?" only to be kicking myself later because I should have known.

As I sit here in the dawn of cycle #13, I feel like this hope that I have a love/hate relationship with is slipping away. We hoped a year ago that we could do this naturally. I am terrified of fertility drugs because of what resulted in my brothers and sisters. I can't handle THAT. The more I'm learning though, the more comfortable I'm getting with them. I can only HOPE that our problem is a simple one to solve and that maybe just one little thing is what is going to make all the difference. I read a line today that I'm adopting as my motto for awhile and that is what I will leave this entry with.

"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OKAY, IT'S NOT THE END."

Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like -Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes